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An fSj

Artemus Ward

London,

AND OTHER PAPERS.

WITH COMIC ILLUSTRATIONS BY J. II. HOWARD.

Reprinted from the American Copyri\;lit Edition,

• •• ' • ••

• I • • I

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• .•-•••• ••»•

• '• • '

• :• ■' " iv:».»-.t — #*--T5"..#,t —

• • »

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MONTREAL: R. WORTHINGTON.

1868.

PRINTED BY THE MONTREAL PRINTING AND PUBLISHING COMPANY.

• •-•'«•.• . • ••■

•••*•. •

« • ■ a •

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CONTENTS.

Page.

Artemus Wauh in London . ,

I. — Arrival in London 7

LI. — Personal ll6collcctions , 11

III. — The Grecnlion and Oliver Cromwell li

IV.— At the Tomb of Shakspearc 17

v.— Is introduced at the Club 20

VI.— The Tow'-r of London 2-1

VII. — Science am] Natural History 27

VIII.— A Visit to the British Museum * 31

IX.— Pyrotcchny ol

X.— The Negro Question 38

Essays and Sketches: , .

I. — About Editors 41

II.— Editing 43

III. — Morality and Genius 4-1

IV.—Pop' '. rity 45

v.— All :: Difficulty in the Way 46

VI.— Othello '. 47

VII. — Scenes outside the Fair Ground 49

VIII,- Colored People's Church 51

IX.— Spirits 52

X.— Mr. Blowhard 54

XL — Market Morning 55

XII. — We see two Witches , 57

XIII.^— Rough beginning of the Honeymoon 60

XrV. — Prom a Homely Man 61

XV.— The Elephant 63

XVI.— Busts 65

60179

r %'

Contents.

XVII.— A Colored Man of the name of Jeffries 66

XVIII. — How tho Napoleon of Sellers was Sold 67

XIX.— Ou Autumn 69

XX. — Paying for his Provender by Praying 70

XXL— Names 71

XXII.— Hunting Trouble 72

XXIII.— Ho found bo Would 73

XXIV.— Dark Doings 74

XXV.— A Hard Case.... 75

XXVI.— Reporters .'. 76

XXVII. — Burial in Richmond and Resurrection in Boston 77

XXVIII.-IIe had the little Voucher in liis Pocket '79

XXIX.— Tho Gentlemanly Conductor 80

XXX.— A Mayoralty Election 81

XXXI.— Fishing Excursion.. :.. 83

XXXIL— Red Hand : A Tale of Revenge 84

XXXIII. — The last of tho Culkinses — A Duel in Cleveland — Distance ten paces

— Bloody result — Flight of one of the Principals — Full particulars 87

XXXIV. — How Old Abe received the news of his Nomination 90

XXXV.— Roberto the Rover: A Tale of Sea and Shore 91

0 '

Among THE Fenians, &c. : ' ',

Preliminary 95

Artemus Ward among the Fenians 98

Artemus Ward in Washington .... 102

The Draft in Baldinsville 106

LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS.

; 0

I. — Aittfuiuii introducing himself to Mr. Punch 7

11. — Do his clothes have a Welchy appearance ? 27

III. — ArteniuB Ward as Capting of the Home Guards 41

IV. — A visit to the Tomb of Shakspeare 53

V. — Artemus is taken for a Salor boy <>7

VI.~PlayfulDess of the Rocky Mountain Bear ■* 81

lit]

ARTEMUS WARD

IN LONDON.

Artemus "Ward arrives in London— Introduces himself to Mr. Punch.

PART I. •

I.— ARRIVAL IN LONDON.

Mk. Punch, My dear Sir, — You
prob'ly didn't meet my uncle Wilyim
when he was on these shores. I jedge
so from the fack that his pursoots wasn't
litrary. Commerce, which it has been

trooly observed by a statesman, oi
somebody, is the foundation stone onto
which a nation's greatness rests, glori-
ous C(Jtamerce was Uncle Wilyim's fort.
He sold soap. It smelt pretty, and

ARllIVAL IN LONDON.

• '<

l||:

redily commanded two pents a cake.
I'm the only litrary man in our fam'ly.
It is troo, I once had a dear cuzzun
who wrote 22 versis onto " A Child
who nearly Died of the Measles, 0 ! "
but as he injoodiciously introjuced a
ohorious at the end of each stanzy, the
parrents didn't like it at all. The
father in particler wept afresh, assault-
ed my cuzzun, and said he never felt so
ridicklus in his intire life. The onhappy
result was that my cuzzun abandind
poetry forever, and went back to shoe-
makin, a shattered man.

My Uncle Wilyim disposed of his
3oap, and returned to his nativ land
with a very exolted opinyin of the Bri-
tish public. "It is a edycated com-
munity," said he ; " they're a intelle'c-
tooal peple. In one small village alone
I sold 50 cakes of soap, incloodin
barronial halls, where they offered me
a ducal coronet, but I said no— give it
to the poor." This was the way Uncle
Wilyim went on. He told us, however,
some stories that was rather too much
to be easily swallerd. In fack, my
Uncle Wilyim was not a emblem of
trooth. He retired some years ago on
a hansum comptency derived from the
insurance-money he received on a rather
shaky skooner he owned, and which
turned up while lying at a wharf one
night, the cargo having fortnitly been
remooved the day afore the disaatriss
calamty occurd. Uncle Wilyim said it
was one of the most sing'ler things he
ever heard of; and, after collectin the
insurance-money, he bust into a flood of
tears, and retired to his farm in Peim-
sylvany. He was my uncle by marri-
age only. I do not say that he Vasn't
a honest man. I simply say that if you

have a uncle, and bitter experunce tells
you it is more profitable in a pecoonery
pint of view to put pewter spoons instid
of silver ones onto the table when that
uncle dines with you in a frenly way —
I simply say, there is sumthun wrong in
our social sistem, which calls loudly for
reform.

I 'rived on these shores at Liverpool,
and proceeded at once to London. I
stopt at the Washington Hotel in Liver-
pool, because it was named after a
countryman of mme who didn't get
his living by makin' mistakes, and
whose mem'ry is dear to civilised peple
all over the world, because he was
gentle and good as well as trooly great.
We read in Histry of any number of
great individooals, but how few of 'em,
alars ! should we want to take home to
supper with us ! Among others, I would
call your attention to Alexander the
Great, who conkerd the world, and
wept because he couldn't do it sum
more, and then took to gin-and-seltzer,
gettin' tight every day afore dinner
with the most disgtlstin' reg'larity,
causin' . his parunts to regret they
hadn't 'prenticed him in his early youth
to a biskit-baker, or some other occupa-
tion of a peaceful and quiet character.
I say, therefore, to the great men now
livin' (you could put 'em all into Hydt
Park, by the way, and still leave room
for a large and respectable concourse of
rioters) — be good. I say to that gifted '
'but bald-heded Prooshun, Bismarck, be
good and gentle in your hour of triump.
/always am. I admit that our lines is
different, Bismarck's and mine ; but the
same glo'rus principle is involved. I
am a exhibiter of startlin' curiositys,
wax works, snaix, etsetry, T" either of

ARRIVAL IN LOm)ON.

whom," as a American statesman whose
name I ain't at liberty to mention for
periitical resins, as he expecks to be a
candidate for a prom'nent offiss, and
hence doesn't wish to excite the rage
and jehsy of other showmen — " either
of whom is wuth dubble the price of
admission ") ; I say I am a exhibiter of
startlin cm-iositys, and I also have my
hours of triump, but I try to be good in
'em. If you say, " Ah, ye^, but also
your hours of grfef and misfortin;" I
answer it is troo, and you prob'ly refer
to the circumstans of my hirin' a young
man of dissypated habits to fix hisself
up as A real Caimibal from New Zeelan,
and when I was simply telling the
audience that he was the most feroshus
Cannibal of his tribe, and that, alone
and unassisted, he had et sev'ril of our
fellow-countrymen, and that he had at
one time even contemplated eatin his
Uncle Thomas on his mother's side, as
well as other near and dear relatives, —
when I was makin' these simple state-
ments, the mis'ble young man said I
was a Iyer, and knockt me off the plat-
form. Not quite satisfied with this, he
cum and trod hevily on me, and as he
was a very musculer person and wore
remarkable thick boots, I knew at once
that a canary bird wasn't walkin' over
me.

I admit that my ambition overlept
herself in this instuns, and I've been
Very careful ever since to deal square
with the public. If I was the public I
should insist on squareness, tho' I
shouldn't do as a portion of my audi-
ence did on the occasion jest mentioned,
which they was omplyed m sum naberin'
coal mines. " As you hain't got no
more Cannybals to show us, old man,"

said one of 'em, who seemed to be a
kind of leader among 'em — a tall dis- ,
'greeble skoundril — " as you seem to be
out of Cannybals, we'll sorter look round
here and fix things. Them wax figgers
of yours want washm'. There's Napo-
leon Bonyparte and Julius Caesar — they
must have a bath," with which coarse
and brutal remark he imitated the shrill
war-hoop of the western savige, and,
assisted by his infamus coal-heavin com-
panyins, he threw all my wax-work into
the river, and let my wild bears loose to
pray on a peaceful and inoffensive agri-
cultooral community.

Leavin Liverpool (I'm goin' back
there, tho — I want to see the Docks,
which I heard spoken of at least once
while I was there) I cum to London in
a 1st class car, passin' the time very
agreeable in discussin, with a country-
man of mine, the celebrated Schleswig-
Holstein question. We took that
int'resting question up and carefully
traced it from the time it commenced
being so, down to the present day, when
my countryman, at the close of a four
hours' annymated debate, said he didn't
know anything about it himself, and he
wanted to know if I did. I told him
that I did not. He's at Ramsgate now,
and I am to write him when I feel like
givin him two days in which to discuss
the question of negro slavery in America.
But now I do not feel like it.

London at last, and I'm stoppin' at
the Greenlion tiivem. I like the lan'-
lord very much indeed. He had fallen
into a few triflin errors in regard to
America — ^lie was under the impression,
for instance, that we et hay over there,
and had horns growin out of the back
part of our heads — ^but his chops and

ARRIVAL IN LONDON.

1 .

beer is ekal to any I ever partook. You
must cum and see me, and bring the
boys. I'm told that Garrick used to
cum here, but I'm growin skeptycal
about Garrick's favorit taverns. I've
had over 500 public-houses pinted out
to me where Garrick went. I was in-
dooced one night, by a seleck comp'ny
of Britons, to visit sum 25 public-houses.

and they confidentially told me that
Garrick used to go to each one of 'em.
Also, Dr. Johnson. This won't do, you
know.

May be I've rambled a bit in this
communycation. I'll try and be more
collected in my next, and meanwhile,
b'lieve me Trooly Yours,

Artemus Ward.

* "W --fS^ S(!!!»6«ii>5»>«!^-**«i«««.

PERSONAL RECOLLECTIONS.

You'll be glad to learn that I've
made a good impression onto the mind
of the lan'lord of the Greenlion tavern.
He made a speech about me last night.
Risin' in the bar he spoke as follers,
there bein over 20 individooals present :
" This North American has been a
inmate of my 'ouse oyer two weeks, yit
he hasn't made no attempt to scalp any
member of my fam'ly. He hasn't
broke no cups or sassers, or furniture of
any kind. (Hear, hear.') I find I can
trust him with lited candles. He eats
his wittles with a knife and a fork.
Peple of this kind should be encur-
ridged. I purpose 'is 'elth !" (Loud
*plaw8.')

What could I do but modestly get up
and express a fervint hope that the
Atlantic Cable would bind the two
countries still more clostly together ?
The lan'lord said my speech was full of
orig'nality, but his idee was the old
stage co'ach was more safer, and he tho't
peple would indors that opinyin in doo
time. ^

I'm gettin' on exceedin' well in Lon-
don. I see now, however, that I made
a mistake in orderin' my close afore I
left home. The trooth is the taler in
our little villige owed me for a pig and
I didn't see any other way of gettin my
pay. Ten years ago these close would
no doubt have been fash'n'ble, and per-
haps they would be ekally sim'lar ten

years hens. But now they're diff 'rejitly.
The taler said he know'd they was all
right, because he had a brother in
Wales who kept him informed about
London fashins reg'lar. This was a
infamus falsehood. But as the ballud
says (which I heard a gen'l'man in a
new soot of black close and white kid
gloves sing t'other night), Never don't
let us Despise a Man because ho wears
a Raggid Coat ! I don't know as wo
do, by the way, tho' we gen'relly get
out of his way pretty rapid ; prob'ly on
account of tho pity which tears our
boosums for his onhappy condition.

This last 'remark is a sirkastic and
witherin' thrust at them blotid peple
who live in gilded saloons. I tho't I'd
explain my meanin' to you. I frekently
have to explain the meanin' of my re-
marks. I know one man — and htf's a
man of varid 'complishments — ^who often
reads my articles over 20 times afore
he can make anything of 'em at all.
Our skoolmaster to home says this is a
pecoolerarity of geneyus. My wife
says it is a pecoolerarity of infernal
nonsens. She's a exceedin practycal
woman. I luv her muchly, however, and
humer her little ways. It's a recklis
falshood that she hepecks me, and the
young man in our neighbourhood who
said to me one evenin', as I was misten-
in' my diafram with a gentle cocktail at
the villige tavum — who said to me in

1>ERS0NAL RECOLLECTIONS.

lil*

these very langwidge, " Go home, old
man, onless you desires to have another
teapot throwd at you by B. J.," prob'ly
regrets havin said so. I said, " Betsy
Jane is my wife's front name, gentle
yooth, and I permits no person to alood
to her as B. J. outside of the fam'ly
circle, of trhich I am it principally my-
self. Your other observations I scorn
and disgust, and I must pollish you off."
He was a able-bodied young man, and,
remoovin his coat, he inquired if I
wanted to be ground to powder ? I
said. Yes, if there was a Powder-grindist
handy, nothin Avould 'ford me greater
pleasure, when he struck me a painful
blow into my right eye, causin' me to
make a rapid retreat into the fire-place.
I hadn't no idee that the enemy was so
well organised. But I rallied, and went
for him in a rayther vigris style for my
time of life. His parunts lived near by,
and I m\\ simply state 15 minits had
only elapst after the first act when he
was carried home on a shutter. His
mama met the solium processhun at the
door, and, after keerfully looking her
orfspring over, she said, " My son, I
see how it is distinctually. You've
been foolin' round a Trashin Masheen.
You went in at the place where they
put the grain in, cum out with the straw,
and you got up into the thingamyjig and
let the horses tred on you, didn't you,
my son ?" The pen of no livm Orthur
could describe that disfortnit young
man's sittywation more clearer. But I
was sorry for him, and I went and
nussed him^ill he got well. His reg'lar
original father being absent to the war,
I told him I'd be a father to him myself.
He smilt a sickly smile, and said I'd al-
ready been wuss than two fathers to hmi.

I will here obsarvo that fitin orter be
alius avided, exccp in extreem cases.
My principle is, if a man smites mo on
the right cheek I'll turn my left to him,
prob'ly ; but if he insinooates that my
gran'mother wasn't all right, I'll punch
his hed. But fitin is mis'ble bisniss,
gen'rally speakin, and whenever any
enterprisin countryman of mine cums
over here to scoop up a Briton in the
prize ring I'm alius excessively tickled
when he gets scooped hisself, which it is
a sad fack has thus far been the case —
my only sorror bein' that t'other feller
wasn't scooped likewise. It's diff'rently
with scullin boats, which is a manly
sport, and I can only explain Mr. Hamil's
resunt defeat in this country on the
grounds that he wasn't used to British
water. I hope this explanation will, be
entirely satisfact'ry to all. '

As I remarked afoi-e, I'm getting on
well. I'm aware that I'm in tho great
metropolis of the world, and it doesn't
make me onhappy to admit the fack.
A man is a ass who dispoots it. That's
all that ails him. I know there is sum
peple who cum over here and snap and
snarl 'bout this and that : I know one
man who says it is a shame and a dis-
graice that St. Paul's Church isn't a
older edifiss; he says it stould'be years
and even ages older than it is ; but I
decline to hold myself responsible for
the conduck of this idyit simply because
he's my countryman. I spose every
civ'lised land is endowed with its full
share of gibberin' idyits, and it can't
be helpt — ^leastways, I can't think of
any effectooal plan of helpin' it.

I'm a little sorry you've got politics
over here, but I shall not diskuss 'em
with nobody. Tear me to peaces with

PERSONAL RECOLLECTIONS.

wild omnibus bosses, and I won't diskuss
'em. I've hqd quite enough of 'em at
home, thank you. I was at Birming-
ham t'other night, and went to the great
meetin' for a few minits. I had'nt
been in the hall long when a stem
lookin' artisan said to me,

" You ar from Wales ? "

No, I told him I didn'.t think I was.
A hidgyis tho't flasht over me. It
was of that onprincipled taler, and I
said, " Has my clothin' a Welchy
appearance ? "

" Not by no means," he answered,
and then he said, " And what is your
opinyin of the present crisis ? "

I said, " I don't zackly know. Have
you got it very bad ? "

He replied, " Sir, it is sweepin' over
England like the Cymoon of the Desert!"

" Wall," I said, « let it sweep ! "

He ceased me by the arm and said,
" Let us glance at hist'ry. It is now
some two thousand years — "

" Is it, indeed ? " I replied. '

" Listm ! " he fiercely cried ; it is
only a little over two thousand years
since — "

" Oh, bother ! " I remarkt, « let us
go out and git some beer."

" No, Sir. I want no gross and sen-
sual beer. I'll not move from this spot
till I can vote. Who ar you ? "

I handed him my card, which, in
addition to my name, contains a elabrit
description of my show. " Now, Sir,"
I proudly said, " you know mo ? "

" I soUumly swear," he sternly re-
plied, " that I never heard of you, or
your show, in my life ! "

" And this man," I cried bitterly,
" calls hi&self a intelligent man, and
thinks he orter be allowed to vote !
What a holler mockery ! "

I've no objection to ev'ry intelligent
man votin' if he wants to. It's a plea-
sant amoosement no douljt ; but there
is those whose igrance is so dense and
loathsum that they shouldn't be trustid
with a ballit any more'n one of my
trained serpunts should be trusted with
a child to play with.

I went to the station with a view of
retumin' to town on the cars. " This
way, Sir," said the guard ; " here you
ar," and he pinted to a first-class car-
ridge, the sole ockepant of which was a
rayther prepossessin' female of about 30
summers.

" No, I thank you," I emestly re-
plied, " I prefer to walk."

I am, dear Sir,

Very respectively yours,

Artemus Ward.

ni.

THE GREENLION AND OLIVER CROMWELL.

Mr. Punch, My dear Sir, — It is
now two weeks since a rayther strange
lookin man engaged 'partments at the
Greenlion. He stated ho was from the
celebrated United States, but beyond
this he said nothin. He seem'd to pre-
fer soUytood. He remained mostly in
his room, and whenever he did show
hisself he walkt in a moody and morose
manner in the garding, with his lied
boAved down and his arms foldid across
his brest. He reminded mc sumwhat
of the celebrated but onhappy Mr.
Haller, in the cheerful play of The
Stranger. This man puzzled me. I'd
been puzzled afore several times, but
never so severally as now. Mine Ost
of the Greenlion said I must inter-
rigate this strange bein, who claimed to
be my countryman. " He hasn't called
for a drop of beer since he's been in this
ere Ouse," said the landlord. " I look
to you," he added, " to clear up this
dark, this orful mistry ! "

I wringed the lan'lord's honest hand,
and told him to consider the mistry
cleared up.

I gained axes to the misterus bein's
room, and by talkin sweet to him for a
few minits, I found out who he was.
Then retumui to the lan'lord, wo was
nervisly pacing up and down the bar, I
said,

" Sweet Rolando, don't tremble no
more ! I've torn the marsk from the
hawty stranger's face, and dived into
the recesses of his inmost sole ! He's
a Trans-Mejim !

I'd been to the Beefenham theatre

the previs evenin, and probably the
drammar I saw affected me, because I'm
not in the habit of going on as per
above. I like the Beefenham theatre
very much indeed, because there a
enthoosiastic lover of the theatre like
myself can unite the ligitermit drammer
with fish. Thus, while your enraptured
soul drinks in the lorfty and noble sen-
tences of the gifted artists, you can eat
a biled mack'ril jest as comfor'bly as in
your own house. I felt constrained,
however, to tell a fond mother who sot
immegitly behind me, and who was
accompanied by a gin bottle and a young
infant — I felt constrained to tell that
mother, when her infant playfully
mingled a rayher oily mack'ril with the
httle hair which is left on my vener'ble
hed, that I had a bottle of scented hair
oil at home, which on the whole I tho't
I preferred to that which her orfspring
was greasin me with. This riled the
excellent female, and she said, " Git
out ! You never was a infank yourself,
I spose ! Oh no ! You was too good
to be a infank you was ! You sUd into
the world all ready grow'd, didn't you ?
Git out!" "No, Madam," I replied,
" I too was once a infant ! I was a
luvly child. Peple used to come in
large and enthusiastic crowds from all
parts of the country to see me, I was
such a sweet and intel'gent infant.
The excitement was so intens, in fack,
that a extra hotel was startid in the
town to accomodate the peple who
thronged to my cradle." Having fin-
ished these troothful statements, I smilt

THE GREENLION AND OLIVER CROMWELL.

sweetly on the worthy female. She
said, " Drat you, what do you come
a-chaffing me for ? " and the estymible
woman waa really gettin furis, when I
moUyfied her by praisin her child, and
by axin pardin for all I'd said. " This
little gal," I observed, "this surpris-
ingly luvly gal — " when the mother
said, " It's t'other sect is he. Sir : it's a
boy." "Wall," I said, "then this
little boy, whose eye is like a eagle
arsoaring proudly in the azure sky, will
some day be a man, if he don't choke
hisself to death in childhood's sunny
hours with a smelt or a bloater, or some
other drefful calamity. How surblime
the tho't, my dear Madam, that this
infant as you fondle on your knee on
this night, may grow up into a free and
independent citizen, whose vote will be
wdrth from ten to fifteen pounds, ac-
cordin as suffrages may range at that
joy us perid ! "

Let us now return, jentle reader, to
the lan'lord of the Greenlion, who we
left in the bar in a state of anxiety and
perspire. Rubbing his hot face with a
red hankercher, he said, " Is the stramge
hem a American ? "

" He is." ; •

"AGen'ral?'-'

« No."

"A Colonial?"

"No."

"AMajer?" .*

" Not a Majer."

"ACaptmg?" ^

"He is not." ,

« Aleftenant?" - ■

" Not even that."

" Then," said the lan'lord of the
Greenlion, " you ar deceived ! ^ He is
no countryman of yours."

" Why not ? " I said.

" I will tell you. Sir," said the lan'-
lord. " My son-in-law is employed in a
bankin house where ev'ry American as
comes to these shores goes to git his
drafts casht, and he says that not one
has arrived on these shores during the
last 18 months as wasn't a Gen'ral, a
Colonial, a Majer, a Capting, or a left-
enant ! This man, as I said afore, has
deceeved you ! He's a impostuer ! "

I reeled into a chair. For a mihit I
was speechlis. At length I murmured,
" Alars ! I fear it is too troo! Even I
was a Capting of the Home Gards."

" To be sure," said the lan'lord ;
" you all do it, over there."

" Wall," I said, " whatever nation
this person belongs to, we may as well
go and hear him lectur this evenin. He
is one of these spirit fellers — he is a
Trans-Mejim, and when he slings him-
self into a trans-state, he says the
sperrits of departed great men talk
through him. He says that to-night sev'-
ril em'nent persons will speak through
him — among others, Cromwell."

" And this Mr. Cromwell — is he
dead ? " said the lan'lord.

I told him that Oliver was no more.

" It's a umbug," said the lan'lord ;
to which I replied that we'd best go
and see, and we went. We was late,
on account of the lan'lord's extensiv
acquamtans with the public house keep-
ers along the road, and the hall was
some two miles distant, but we^got there
at last. The hall was about half full,
and the Mejim was just then assumin*
to bo Benjamin Franklin, who was
speakin about the Atlantic Cable.

He said the Cable was really amerry-
torious affiur, and that messiges could

THE GREENLION AND OLIVER CROMWELL

be sent to America, and there was no
doubt about their gettin there in the
course of a week or two, which ho said
was a beautiful idear, and much quicker
than by steamer or canal boat. It
struck me that if this was Franklin a
spiritooal life hadn't improved the old
gentleman's intellecks particly.

The audiens was mostly composed of
rayther pale peple, whose eyes I tho't
rolled round in a somewhat wild manner.
But they was well-behaved, and the
females kept saying, " How beautiful !
What a surblime thing it is," et cetry,
et cetry. Among the females was one
who was a fair and rosy young woman.
She sot on the same seat we did, and
the lan'lord of the Greenlion, whose
frekent intervoos with other lan'lords
that evenin had been too much for him,
fastened his left eye on the fair and
rosy young person, and smilin lovinly
upon her, said, " You may give me, my
dear, four-penny-worth of gin— cold gin.
I take it cold, because "

There was cries of " Silence ! Shame !
Put him out! theSkoffer!"

" Ain't we at the Spotted Boar ? "
the lan'lord hoarsely whispered.

" No," I answered, " It's another
kind of bore. Lis'en. Cromwell is
goin' to speak through our inspired
fren', now."

" Is he ? " said the lan'lord—" is he ?
Wall, I've suthin to say, also. Was
this Cromwell a licensed vittler ? "

" Not that I ever heard," I anserd.

" I'm sorry for that,** said the lan'-
lord with a sigh; " but you think he
was a man who would wish to see
licensed vittlers respected in their
rights ? "

« No doubt."

" Wall," said the lan'lord, "jest you
keep a eye on me." Then risin to his
feet ho said, in a somewhat husky yet
tol'bly distink voice, " Mr. Crumbwell ! "

" Cromwell ! " I cried.

" Yes, Mr. Cromwell : that's the man
I mean, Mr. Cromble ! won't you please
advise that gen'l'man who you're talkin
through ; won't you advise 'im during
your elekant speech to settle his bill at
my 'ouse to-night, Mr. Crumbles," said
the lan'lord, glarin' savigely round on
the peple, " because if he don't, there'll
be a punched 'ed to be seen at the
Greenlion, where I don't want no more
of this everlastin nonsens. ril talk
through 'im ! Here's a sperrit," said
the lan'lord, a smile once more beamin
on his face, " which will talk through
him like a Dutch father! I'm the
sperrit for you, young feller !" " You're
a helthy old sperret," I remarkt ; and
then I saw the necessity of gettin him
out of the hall. The wimin was yellin
and screamin, and the men was hoUerin'
perlice. A perliceman really came and
coUered my fat fren. " It's only a fit,
Sir»Richard," I said. I always call the
perlice Sir Richard. It pleases them
to think I'm the victim of a deloosion
and they always treat me perlitely.
This one did, certainly, for he let us go.
We saw no more of the Trans-Mejim.

It's diffikilt, of course, to say how
long these noosances will be allowed to
prowl round. I should say, however, if
pressed for a answer, that they will
prob'ly continner on jest about as long
as they can find peple to lis'en to 'em.
Am I right ?

Yours, faithful!,
Artemus Ward.

IV.

AT TIIE TOMB OF SIIAKSPEARE.

Mr. Punch, My dear Sir, — I've
been lingerin by the Tomb of the
lamentid Shakspearo.

It is a succesa.

I do not hes'tate to pronounce it as
such.

You may make any use of this opinion
that you see fit. If you think its publi-
cation will subswervo the cause of litte-
ratoor, .you may publicate it.

I told my wife Betsy when I loft
homer that I should go to the birthpliice
of the orthur of Otheller and other
Piays. She said that as long as I kept
out of Newgate she didn't care where I
went. " But," I said, " don't you know
he was the greatest Poit that ever lived ?
Not one of these common poits,like that
young idyit who writes verses to our
daughter, about the Roses as growses,
and the Breezes as blowses — ^but a Boss
Poit — also a philosopher, also a man who
knew a great deal about everything."

She was packing my things at the
time, and the only answer she made
was to ask me if I was goin to carry
both of my red flannel night caps.

Yes. I've been to Stratford onto
the Avon, the Birthplace of Shak-
speare. Mr. S. is no more. He's
been dead over three hundred (300)
years. The peple of his native town
are justly proud of him. They cherish
his mem'ry, and them as sell picturs of
his birthplace, &c., make it proftible

ohorisin it. Almost everybody buys a
pictur to put into their Albiom.

As I stood gazing on the spot where
Shakspearo is s'posed to have fell down
on the ice and hurt hisself when a boy,
(this spot cannot be bought — the town
authorities say it shall never be taken
from Stratford) I wondered if three
hundred years hence picturs .of tny
birthplace will be in demand? Will
the peple of my native town bo proud
of me in three hundred years ? I guess
they won't short of that time because
they say the fat man weighing 1000
pounds which I exhibited there was
stuffed out with pillers and cushions,*
which he said one very hot day in July,
" Oh bother, I can't stand tliis," and
commenced pullin the pillers out from
under his weskit, and heavin 'em at the
audience. I never saw a man lose flesh
so fast in my life. The audience said I
was a pretty man to come chiseUn my
own townsmen in that way. I said,
" Do not be angry, feller-citizens. I
exhibited ,him simply as a work of art.
I simply wished to show you that a man
could grow fat without the aid of cod-
liver oil." But they wouldn't listen to
me. They are a low and grovelin set
of peple, who excite a feelin of loathin
in every breast where lorfty emotions
and original idees have a bidin place.

I stopped at Leamington a few minits
on my way to Stratford onto the Avon,

ifl

AT TIIE TOMB OP SHAKSPEARE.

and a very beautiful town it is. I went
into a shoo shop to mako a purchis, and
as I entered I saw over the door those
dear familiar words, " By Appintmont :
II. R. II.;" apd I said to the man,
*" Squire, excuse mo, but this is too
much. I have seen in London four
hundred boot and shoe shops by Ap-
pintmont : II, R. II. ; and now youWe
at it. It is simply onpossiblo that the
Prince can wear 400 pairs of boots.
Don't tell me," I said, in a voice
choked with emotion — ^" Oh, do not
tell me that you also make boots for
him. Say slippers — say that you mend
a boot now and then for him ; but do
not tell jno that you make 'em reg'lar
for him."

The man smilt, and said I didn't
understand these things. Ho said I
perhaps had not noticed in London
that dealers in all sorts of articles
was By Appintraent. I said, " Oh,
hadn't I ? Then a sudden thought
flasht over me. "I have it !" I said.
"When the Prince walks through a
street, he no doubt looks at the shop
windows."

The man said, " No doubt."

" And the enterprisin tradesman," I
continnerd, " the moment the Prince
gets out of sight, rushes frantically and
has a tin sign painted. By Appintment,
H. R. H. ! It is a beautiful, a great
i^lee ! "

I then bought a pair of saoe strings,
and wrmgin the shopman's honest hand,
I started for the Tomb of Shakspeare m
a hired fly. It looked however more
like a spider.

" And this, " I said, as I stood in the
old church-yard at Stratford, beside a
Tombstone, " this marks the spot where

lies William W. Shakspeare. Alans!
and this is the spot where — "

*' You've got tho wrong grave," said
a man — a wortiiy villager : Shakspearo
is buried inside tho church."

" Oh," I said, " a boy told mo this
was it." The boy larfed and put tho
shillin I'd given him into his left oyo in
a inglorious manner, and commenced
moving backwards towards tho street.

I pursood and captered him, and after
talking to him a spell in a skarcastic
stile, I let him wont. . ' '

Tho old church was damp and chill.
It waa rainin. Tho only persons there
when I entered was a fine bluff old
gentleman who was talking in a excited
manner to a fashnibly dressed . young
man. "No, Ernest Montresser," the
old gentleman said, " it is idle to p»rsoo
this subjeck no further. You can never
marry my daughter. You were seen
last Monday in Piccadilly without a
umbreller ! I said then, as I say now,
any young man as venturs out in a
imcertain climit like this without a
umbreller, lacks foresight, caution,
strength of mind and stability ; and
he is not a proper person to intrust
a daughter's happiness to."

I slapt the old gentleman on the
shoulder, and I said, " You're right !
You're one of those kind of men, you
are "

He wheeled suddenly round, and in
a indignant voice, said, " Go way — go
way ! This is a privit intervoo."

I didn't stop to enrich the old gentle-
man's mind with my. conversation. I
-sort of inferred that he wasn't inclined
to listen to me, and so I went on. But
he was right about the umbreller. I'm
I really delighted with this grand old

AT THE TOMB OF SIIAKSPEARE.

country, Mr. Punch, but you must
admit that it doca rain rayther numer-
ously hero. Wliether this ia owing to
a raoncrkal form of gov'mcnt or not,
I leave all candid and onprejudiced
persons to say.

William Shakspcaro was born in
Stratford in ir)l]4. All the commen-
taters, Shaksperian scholars, etaetry,
arc agi'ocd on this, which is about the
only thing they arc agreed on in regard
to him, except that his mantle hasn't
fallen onto any poet or dramatist hard
enough to hurt said poet or dramatist
much. And there ia no doubt if these
commentatera and persona continner
investigatiu Shakspeare'a career, we
shall not, in doo time, know anything
about it at all. When a mere lad little
William attended the Grammcr School,
because, as he said, the Grammer School
wouldn't attend him. Thia remarkable
remark, comin from one so young and
inexperunced, set poplo to thinkin there
might bo somcthin in this lad. He
subsequently wrote Hamlet and Q-eorge
Barnwell. When hia kind teacher went
to London to accept a position in the
offices of the Metropolitan Railway, little
William was chosen by his fellow pupils
to deliver a farewell address. " Go on,
Sir," he said, " in a glorus career. Be
like a eagle, and soar, and the soarer you
get the more we shall uU be gratified!
That's so." .

My young readers who wish to know
about Shakspeare, better get these vally-
able remarks framed.

I returned to the hotel.' Meetin a
young mari'ied couple, they asked me
if I could direct them to the hotel which
Washmgton Irving used to keep ?

" I've understood that ho was onsuc-
cessful as a lan'lord," said the lady.

" We've understood," said the young
man," " that ho busted up."

I told 'em I was a stranger, and
hurried away. They were from my
country, and ondoubtcdly represented
a thrifty lie well somewhere in Ponnsyl-
vany. It's a common thing, by the-
way, for a old farmer in Pennsylvany
to wake up some mornin and find ile
squirtin all around his back yard. He
sells out for 'normoua price, and his
children put on gorgeoua harness and
start on a tower to astonish pcple. They
succeed in doing it. Meantime the Ile
it squirts and squirts, and Time rolls on.
Let it roll.

A very nice old town is Stratford, and
a capital inn is the Red Horse. Every
admirer of the great S. must go there
once certuily ; and to say one isn't a
admirer of him, is equv'lont to sayin
one has jest about brains enough to
become a efficient tinker.

Some kmd person has sent me Chaw-
cer's poems. Mr. C. had talent, but ho
couldn't spel. No man has a right to
be a lit'rary man onless he knows how
to spel. It is a pity that Chawcer, who
had genyus, was so unedicatcd. He's
the wuss speller I know of.

I guess I'm through, and so I lay
down the pen, which is more mightier
than the sword, but which I'm fraid
would stand a rayther slim chance
beside the needle gun.

Adoo! adoo! , ■

Artemus Ward.

IS INTRODLX'ED AT THE CLUB.

. Mil. Punch, My deau Siu, — It is
seldira that tho Commercial relations
between great Britain and tho United
States is mar'd by Games.

It is Commerce, after all, which will
keep the two counti'ies friendly to'ards
each other rather than statcsmerj.

I look at your last Parliament, and I
can't see that a single speech was encored
during tho entire session.

Look at Congress — but no, I'd rather
not look at Congress.

Entertainin this great regard for Com-
merce " whose sales whiten every sea,"
as everybody happily observes every
chance he gets, I learn with disgust
and surprise that a British subjeck bo't
a Barril of Apple Sass in America
recently, and when he arrove home
he found under a few deloosiv layers
of sass nothin but saw-dust. I should
have instantly gone into tho City and
called a meetin of tho leadin com-
mercial men to condem and repudiate,
as a American, this gross frawd, if I
hadn't learned at the same time that
the draft given by the British subjeck
in payment for this frawdylent sass was
drawd onto a Bankin House in London
which doesn't have a existence, but far
otherwise, and never did.

There is those who larf at these
things, but to me they merit rebooks
and frowns.

With i^% exception of my Uncle

Wilyim — who, as I've l)eforo stated,
is a uncle by marriage only, who is
a low cusa and filled his coat pockets
with pies and biled eggs at his weddin
breakfast, given to him by my father,
and made tho clergyman as united him
a present of my father's new overcoat,
and when my father on discovcrin it got
in a rago and denounced him. Uncle
Wilyim said tho old man (mcanin my
parent) hadn't any ideo of first-class
Ilumcr! — with the exception of this
wretched Uncle, the escutchin of my
fam'ly has never been stained by Games.
The little harmless deceptions I resort
to in my perfcshion I do not call Games.
They are sacrifisses to Art.

I come of a very clover fam'ly.

The Wards is a very clever ftimlly,
indeed.

I believe we are descendid from tho
Puritins, who nobly fled from a land of
despitism to a land of freedim, where
they could not only enjoy their own
religion, but prevent everybody else
from cnjoyin hia.

As I said before, we are a very clover
fam'ly.

I was strolling up Regent Street the
other day, thinkin Avhat a clever fam'ly
I come of, and looking at the gay shop-
winders. I've got some new close since
you last saw me. I saw them others
wouldn't do. They carrid the observer
too far back into tho dim vister of the

IS INT.ttODUCKD AT THE CLUD.

pnft, .i!vl I ;; ivo 'om to a Orfun AHylum.
Tiio close I \v;'ar now I bo't of Mr.
Mo.scH, in tilt' Connaerciailloiul. Thoy
was cxproasly niailo, Mr.Mosos infornu'd
mo, for a nobleman, Imt as they fittt'd
J)un too nniclily, partic'ly the trows'rs
(whicli U hlno, with lar^o red and
wliite ehccks) lio had said, " My dear
feller, make me some more, only mind
— Ix' sure you sell these to some genteel
old feller."

I like to .- nuiter thro' Regent Street.
The shops are pretty, and it docs the
old man's heart good to see the troops
of fine healthy girls which one may
always see there at certain hours in
the afternoon, who don't spile their
beauty by devourin cakes and sugar
things, as too many of the American
and French lasses do. It's a mistake
about everybody being out of town, I
gucsi. Regent Street is full. I'm
hero ; and, as I said before, I come
of a very clever fam'ly.

As I was walkin along, amoosin my-
self by stickin my penkifo into the
calves of the footmen who stood waitin
by the swell-coaches (not one of whom
howled with angwish), I was accosted
by a man of about thirty-five summers,
who said, " I have seen that face some^
wheres afore ! "

Ho was a little shabby in his wearin
apparil. His coat was one of those
black, shiny garments, which you can
always toll have been burnished by ad-
versity ; but he was very gentlemanly.

" Was it in the Crimea, comrade ?
Yes, it was. It was at the stormin of
Sebaatopol, where I had a narrow es-
cape from death, that we^met !"

I said, " No, I wasn't at Sebaatopol,
I escaped a fatal wound by not bein

there. It was a healthy old fortress,"
I added.

'' It was. But it fell. It came down
with a crash."

" And plucky boys they was who
brought her down," I added • " and
hurrah for 'om !"

The man graspt me warmly l)y the
hand, and said he had been in America,
rpper Canada, Africa, Asia Minor, and
oth<'r towns, and he'd never mot a man
he liked as much as he did mo. '• Lot
us," ho added, " lot us to the shrine of
Bachus !" And he dragged me into a
jmblie house. I was determined to pay,
so I said, " Mr. Bachus, giv this gfti'l'-
man what ho calls for."

We Conversed there in a very plea-
sant manner till my dinner-time arrove,
when the agreo'blo gen'l'man insisted
that I should *liiie ^vitli him. " We'll
have a banquet, i^^U', lU f<>r the gods I"

I told him that good plain vittles
would soot me. If the gods wafit/>d to
have the dispopsy, they was welcome
to it.

We had soop and fish, and a hot jint,
and growsis, and wines of rare and
costly vintige. Wo had ices and we had
froots from* Greenland's icy mounting
and Injy's coral strands ; and when the
sumptoous reparst was over, the agreo'-
ble man said he'd unfortnitly left liis
pocket-book at home on the marble
center-table. " But, by Jove !" ho
said, " it was a feast fit for the gods !"

I said, " Oh, never mind," and drew
out my puss ; tho' I in'ardly wished the
gods, as the dinner was fit for 'em, was
there to pay for it.

I come of a very clever fam'ly.
The agreo'blo gentleman then said,
" Now, I will show you our Club. It

IS INTRODUCED AT THE CLUB.

■I

dates back to the time of William the
Conqueror."
" Did Bill belong to it ?" I inquired.
« He did."

" Wall," I said, " if Billy was one of
'em, I need no other endorsement as to its
respectfulness, and I'll go with you, my
gay trooper boy !" And we went off
arm-in-arm.

On the way the agree'ble man told
me that the Club was called the
Sloshers. He said I would notice that
none of 'em appeared in evenin' dress.
He said it was agin the rools of the
club. In fack, if any member appeared
there in evenin dress he'd be instantly
expeld. " And yit," he added, " there's
geneyus there, and lorfty emotions, and
intelleck. You'll be surprised at the
quantities of intelleck you'll see there."
We reached the Sloshers in due time,
and I must say they was a shaky-look-
ing lot, and the public house where they
convened was certingly none of the best.
The Sloshers crowded round me, and
said I was welcome. "• What a beautiful
breastpin you've got," said one of 'em.
" Permit me," and he took it out of my
neckercher. " Isn't it luuly," he said,
parsin it to another, who passed it to
another. It was given me by my Aunt,
on my promism her I'd never swear
profanely ; and I never have, except on
very special occasions. I see that
beautiful boosum pin a parsin from one
Slosher to another, and I'm reminded
of them sad words of the poit, " parsin
away ! parsin away !" I never saw it
no more. Then in comes a athletic
female, who no sooner sees me than she
utters a wild yell, and cries :

" At larst ! at larst ! My Wilyim,
fi\>m the seas*!"

I said, " Not at all, Marm. Not on
no account. I have heard the boat-
swain pipe to quarters — ^but a voice in
my heart didn't whisper Seu-zan ! I've
belayed the marlinspikes on the upper
jibpoop, but Seu-zan's eye wasn't on me,
much. Young woman, I am not you're
Saler boy. Far different."

" Oh yes, you are ! " she howled,
seizin me round the neck. " Oh, how
I've lookt forwards to this meetin !"

" And you'll presently," I said," have
a opportunity of lookin backwards to it,
because I'm on the point of leavin this
institution."

I will here observe that I come of a
very clever fam'ly. A very clever
fam'ly, indeed.

" Where," I cried, as I struggled in
vain to release myself from the eccen-
tric female's claws, " where is the Cap-
ting — the man who was in the Crimea,
amidst the cannon's thunder ? I want
him." . ■

He came forward, and cried, " What
do I see ? Me Sister ! me sweet Adu-
laide ! and in teers ! Willin !" he
screamed, " and you're the serpent I
took to my boosum, and borrowed
money of, and went round with, and
was cheerful with, are you ? — You ought
to be ashamed of yourself."

Somehow my coat was jerked off,
the brest-pocket of which contained my
pocket-book, and it parsed away like the
brestpin. Then they sorter quietly
hustled me into the street.

It was about 12 at night when I
reached the Greenlion.

" Ha ! ha ! you sly old rascal, you've
been up to larks !" said the lan'lord,
larfin loudly, and digging his fist into
my ribs.

IS INTRODUCED AT THE CLUB.

I said, " Bigsby, if you do that a^n,
I shall hit you ! Much as I respect you
and your excellent fam'ly, I shall dis-
figger your beneverlent countenance for

Mel"

"^Vhat has ruffled your spirits,
friend ?" said the landlord.

" My spirits has been ruffled," I
ansorod in a bittur voice, " by a viper

good

who was into the Crhnea. What
was it," I cried, " for Sebastopol to fall
down without enwelopin in its, ruins that
viper ?"

I then went to bed. I come of a
very clever fam'ly.

Artemus Wakd.

VI.

THE TOWER OF LONDON

If!

Mr. Punch, My dear Sir, — I
skurcely need inform you that your ex-
cellent Tower is very pop'lar with peple
from the agricultooral districks, and it
was chiefly them class which I fcund
waitin at the gates the other mornin.

I saw at once that tlie Tower v as es-
tablished on a firm basis. In the entire
history of fii-m basisis I don't find a
basis more firmer than this one.

" You have no Tower in America ?"
said a man in the crowd, who had some-
how detected my denomination.

" Alars ! no," I anserd ; " we bostc
of our enterprise and improovments, and
yit we are devoid of a Tower. America,
oh my onhappy country ! thou has not
cot no Tower! It's a swCet Boon.

The gates was opened after awhile,
and we all purchist tickets, and went
mto a waitin-room.

" My frens," said a pale-faced little
man, in black ciose, " this is a sad day."

" Inasmuch as to how ?" I said.

" I mean it is sad to think that so
many peple have been killed within
these gloomy walls. My frens, let us
drop a tear !"

" No," I said, " you must excuse me.
Others may drop one if they feel like
it ; but as for me, I decline. The early
managers of this institootion were a bad
lot, and their crimes were trooly orful ;
but I can't sob for those who died four
or five himdred years ago. If they was

my own relations I couldn't. It's ab-
surd to shed sobs o\'er things which
occurd durin the rain of Henry the
Three. Let us be cheerful," I con-
tinnerd. " Look at the fcstiv Warders,
in their red flannil jackets. They are
cheerful, and why should it not be
thusly with us ?"

A Warder now took us in charge,
and showed us the Tratcr's Gate, the
armors, and things. The Trater's Gate
is wide enuff to admit about twenty
trators abrest, I should jcdge ; but
beyond this, I couldn't see that it was
superior to gates in gen'ral.

Traters, I will here remark, are a
onfortnit class of peple. If they wasn't,
they wouldn't be traters. They con-
spire to bust up a country — they fail,
and they're traters. They bust her, and
they become statesmen and heroes.

Take the case of Gloster, afterwards
Old Dick the Three, who mav be seen
at the Tower, on horseback, in a heavy
tin overcoat — take Mr. Gloster's case.
Mr. G. was a conspirater of the basist
dye, and if he'd failed, he would have
been hung on a sour apple tree. But
Mr. G. succeeded, and became great.
He was slewd by Col. Richmond, but
he lives in histry, and his equestrian
figger may be seen daily for a six-pence,
in conjunction with other cm'nent per-
sons, and no extra charge for the War-
der's able and bootiful lectnr.

i <

THE TOWER OF LONDON

There's one king in this room who is
mounted onto a foamin steed, his right
hand graspin a barber's pole. I didn't
loam his name.

The room where the daggers and
pistils and other weppins is kept is
interestin. Among this collection of
choice cuttlery I notist the bow and
arrer which tho3e hot-heded old chaps
used to conduct battles with. It is
quite like the bow and arrer used
at this day by certin tribes of Ameri-
can • Injuns, and they shoot 'cm off
wth such a excellent precision that I
almost sigh'd to bo a Injun, when I was
in the Rocky Mountin regin. They
are a pleasant lot them Injuns. Mr.
Cooper and Dr. Catlin have told us of
the red man's wonerful eloquence, and
I found it so. Our party was stopt on
the plains of Utah by a band of Sho-
slioncs, whose chief said, " Brothers !
the pale-face is welcome. Brothers !
the sun is sinkin in the West, and
Wa-na-bucky-she will soon cease speak-
in. Brothers ! the poor red man belongs
to a race which is fast becomin extink."
He then whooped in a shrill manner, stole
all our blankets and whisky, and fled to the
primeval forest to conceal his emotions.

I will remark here, while on the sub-
jeck of Injuns, that they are in the
main a vci" shaky set, with even less
sense than the Fenians, and when I hear
pliilanthropists bewailin the fack that
every yet- 1- " carries the noble red man
nearer the settin sun," I simply have to
say I'm^ glad of it, tho' it is rough on
the settin sun. ^They call you by the
sweet name of Brother one minit, and
the next they scalp you with their
Thomashawks. But I wander. Let us
return to the Tower.

At one end of the room where the
weppins is kept, is a wax figger of
Queen Filizabeth, mounted on a fiery
stuflcd boss, v.hose glass eye flashes
with pride, and whose red morockcr
nostril dilates hawtily, as if conscious of
the ^ royal burden he bears. I have
associated Elizabeth with the Spanish
Armady . She's mixed up with it at the
Surry Theatre^ where Two to the Core
is bein acted, and in which a full bally
core is introjooced on board the Spanish
Admiral's ship, givin the audiens the
idee that he intends openin a moosic-hall
in Plymouth the moment he conkers
that town. But a very interesting dram-
mer is Troo to the Core, notwithstandin
the eccentric conduck of the Spanish
Admiral ; and very nice it is in Queen
Elizabeth to make Martin Truegold a
baronet.

The Warder shows us some instroo-
ments of tortur, such as thumbscrews,
throat-collars, etc., statin that these
was conkerd from the Spanish Armady,
and addin what a crooil peple the
Spaniards was in them days — which
eUssited from a bright- eyed little girl of
about twelve summers the remark that
she tho't it was rich to talk about the
crooilty of the Spaniards usin thumb-
screws, when we was in a Tower where
so many poor peple's heads had been
cut oiF. This made the Warder stammer
and turn red.

I was so pleased with the little girl's
brightness that I could have kissed the
dear child, and I would if she'd been six
years older.

I think my companions intended
makin a day of it, for they all had sand-
wiches, sassiges, etc The sad-lookin
man, who had wanted us to drop a tear

THE TOWEU OP LONDON.

aforo we started to go round, fling'd
such quantities of sassige into his mouth,
that I expected to see him choke hissclf
to death, he said to me, in the Beau-
champ Tower, where the poor prisoners
writ their onhappy names on the cold
walls " This is a sad sight."

" It is, indeed," I anserd. " You're
hlack in the face. You shouldn't cat
sassige in pubUc without-some rehearsals
beforehand. You manage it orkwardly."

"No," he said, "I mean this sad
room."

Indeed, he was quite right. Tho' so
long ago all these drefiFul things hap-
pened, I was very glad to git away from
this gloomy room, and go where the rich
and sparklin Crown Jewils is kept. I
was so pleased with the Queen's Crown,
that it occurd to me what a agree'blc
surprise it would be to send a slm'lar
one home to my wife ; and I asked the
Warder what was the vally of a good,
well-constructed Crown like that. He
told me, but on cypherin up with a pen-
cil the amount of funs I have in the Jint
Stock Bank, I conclooded I'd send her
a genteel silver watch instid.

And so I left the Tower. It is a
solid and commandin edifis, but I deny
that it is cheerful. I bid it adoo without
a pang.

I was droven to my hotel by the
most melancholly driver of a four-
wheeler that I ever saw. He heaved a
deep sigh as I gave him two shillings.
" I'll give you six d.^a more," I said,
" if it hurts you so."

" It isn't that," he said, with a hart-
rendin groan, " it's only a way I have.
My mind's upset to-day. I at one time
tho't I'd drive you into the Thames.
I've been readin all the daily papers to
try and understand about Governor
Ay re, and my mind is totterin. It's
really wonderful I didn't drive you into
the Thames."

I asked the onliappy man what his
number was, so I could redily find him
in case I should want him agin, and bad
him good-bye. And then I tho't what a
frollicksome day I'd made of it. »

Respectably, &c.

Artemus Waed.

REFORM

*°HN BRiCHi

" Has my clothin' a 'Welchy appearance ? "Seepage 13

VII.
SCIENCE AND NATURAL HISTORY.

Mr. Pdnch, My dear Sir, — I was
a little disapinted in not receivin a
invitation to jine in the meetins of the
Social Science Congress.

I don't exackly see how they go on
without me.

I hope it wasn't the intentions of the
Sciencers to exclood me from their deli-
brations.

L6t it pars. I do not repine. Let
us remember Homer. Twenty cites
claim Homer dead, thro' which the livin

'•n

SCIENCE AND NATURAL HISTORY.

^•i

Mr. Homer coldn't have got trusted foi*
a sandwich and a glass of bitter beer,
or words to that effeck.

But perhaps it was a oversight.
Certinly I have been hosspitably rec'd
in this country. Hospitality has been
pored all over me. At Liverpool I was
asked to walk all over the docks, which
are nine miles long ; and I don't re-
member a instance since my 'rival in
London of my gettin into a cab without
a Briton comin and perlitely shuttin the
door for me, and then extendin his open
hand to'ards me, in the most frenly
manner possible. Does he not, by this
simple yit tuchin gesture, welcum me to
Ilngland?* Doesn't he? Oh yes— I
guess he doesn't he. And it's quite
right aipon^; two great countries which
speak the same langwidge, except as
regards H's. And- I've been allowed
to walk round all the streets. Even at
Buckinham Pallis, I told a guard I
wanted to walk round there, and he
said I could walk round there. I
ascertained subsequent that he referd
to the side-walk instid of the Pallis
— but I couldn't doubt his hosspital
feelins.

I prepared a Essy on Animals to read
before the Social Science meetins. It
is a subjeck I may troothfully say I
have successfully wrastlcd with. I
tackled it when only nineteen years old.
At that tender age I writ a Essy for a
lit'ry Institoot entitled, " Is Cats to be
Trusted ? " Of the merits of that Essy
it doesn't becum me to speak, but I may
be excoos'd for menti nui that the In-
stitoot parsed a resolution that ' ■ whether
we look upon the length of this Essy,
or the manner in which it is written, we
feel that we will not express any opinion

of it, and we hope it will be read in
other towns."

Of course the Easy I writ for the
Social Science Society is a more fin-
isheder production than the one on Cats,
which was wroten when my mind was
crood, and afore I had masterd a
graceful and ellygant stile of composi-
tion. I could not even punctooate my
sentences proper at that time, and I
observe with pane, on lookin over this
effort of my yooth, that its beauty is in
one or two instances mar'd by ingram-
maticisms. This was unexcusable, and
I'm surprised I did it. A writer who
can't write in a grammerly manner
better shut .up shop.

You shall hear this Essy on Animals.
Some day when you have four hours to
spare, I'll read it to you. I think youTl
enjoy it. Or, what will be much better,
if I may suggest— omit all pictures in
next week's Punchy and do not let your
contributors write enything whatever
(let them have a holiday ; they can go
to the British Mooseum;) and publish
my Essy intire. It will fill all your
coUumes full, and create comment.
Does this proposition strike you? Is
it a go ?

In case I had read the Essy to the
Social Sciencers, I had intended it
should be the closin attraction. I had
intended it should finish the proceedins.
I think it would have finished them. I
understand animals better than any
other class of human creatures. I have
a very animal mind, and I've been
identifi(d with 'em doorin my entire
perfessional career as a showman, more
especial bears, wolves, leopards and
serpunts.

The leopard is as lively a apimal a^ I

SCIENCI5 AND i^ATtJRAL HISTORY.

ever came into contack with. It is troo
he cannot change his spots, but you can
change 'em for him with a paint-brush,
as I once did in the case of a leopard
who wasn't nat'rally spotted in a
attractive manner. In exhibitin him I
used to stir him up in his cage with a
protracted pole, and for the purpuss of
makin him yell and kick up in a leopardy
manner, I used to casionally whack him
over the head. This would make the
children inside the booth scream with
fright, which would make fathers of
families outside the booth very anxious
to come in — ^because there is a large
class of parents who have a imcontroU-
able passion for takin then: children to
places where they will stand a chance
of being frightened to death.

One day I whacked this leopard mo^
than ushil, which elissited a remon-
strance from a tall gentleman in spec-
tacles, who said, "My good man, do
not beat the poor caged animal. Rather
fondle him."

"I'll fondle him with a club," I
anserd, hittin him another whack.

"I prithy desist," said the gentleman ;
" stand aside, and see the effeck of
kindness. I understand the idiosyncrar
cies of these creeturs better than you
do." With that he went up to the
cage, and thrustui his face in between
the iron bars, ho said, soothinly, " Come
hither, pretty creetur." The pretty
creetur come-hithered rayther speedy,
and seized the gentleman by the
whiskers, which he tore off about enuff
to stuff a small cushion with.

He said, "You vagabone, I'll have
you indicted for exhibitin dangerous and
immoral animals."

J leplied, " Gentle Sir, there isn't a

animal here that hasn't a beautiful
moral, but you mustn't fondle 'em. You
mustn't meddle with their idiotsyn-
cracies." > •

The gentleman was a dramatic cricket,
and he wrote a article for a paper, in
which he said my entertainment was a
decided failure.

As regards Bears, you can teach 'em
to do interestin things, but they're on-
reliable. I had a very largo grizzly
bear once, who would dance, and larf,
and lay down, and bow his head in
grief, and give a mournful wale,
etsetry. But he often annoyed me.
It will be remembered that on the
occasion of the first battle of Bull
Run, it suddenly occurd to the Fed'ral
soldiers that they had business in
Washington which ought not to be
neglected, and they all started for that
beautiful and romantic city, maintainin
a rate of speed durin the entire distance
that would have done credit to the cele-
brated French steed Gladiateur. Very
nat'rally our Gov'ment was deeply
grieved at this defeat; and I said to
my Bear, shortly after, as I was givin a
exhibition in Ohio— I said, " Brewin,
are you not sorry the National arms has
sustained a defeat ? " His business
was to wale dismal, and bow his head
down, the band (a barrel orgin and a
wiolin) playing slow and melancholly
moosic. What did the grizzly old cuss
do, however, but commence darncin
and larfin in the most joyous manner.
I had a namer escape from bemg im-
prisoned for disloyalty. I will relate
another incident in the career of this
retchid Bear. I used to present what
I called in the bills a Beautiful living
Pictur — showing the Bear's fondness

SCIENCE AND NATURAL HISTORY.

for hia Master : in which I'd lay down
on a piece of carpeting, and the Bear
would come and lay down beside me,
restin his right paw on ray breast, the
Band playing " Home, Sweet ffome,^'
very Soft and slow. Altho' I say it, it
was a tuchin thing to see . I've seen Tax-
Collectors weep over that performance.
Well, one day I said, " Ladies and
Gentlemen, wo will now show you the
Bear's fondness for his master," and I
went and laid down. I tho't I observed
a pecooliar expression into his eyes, as
ho rolled clumsily to'ards me, but I
didn't dream of the scene which foUerd.
He laid down, and put his paw on my
breast. " Affection of the bear for hjs
Master," I repeated. " You see the
Monarch of the Western Wilds in a sub-

•

jugated state. Fierce as these animals
natrally are, we now see that they have
hearts, and can love. This Bear, the
largest in the world, and mesurin seven-
teen feet round the body, loves mo as a
mer-ther loves her che-ild ! " But what
was my horror when the grizzly and
infamus Bear threw hiS other paw under
me, and riz with me to his feet. Then
claspin mo in a close embrace he waltzed
up and down the platform in a fr;.^tfid

manner, I yellin with, fear and anguish.
To make matters wuss, a low scurrilus
young man in the audiens hollered
out, " Playfulness of the Bear ! Quick
moosic ! " I jest 'scaped with my life.
•The Bear met with a wiolent death the
next day, by bein in the way when a
hevily loaded gun was fired off by one
of my men.

But you should hear my Easy which
I wrote for the Social Science Meetins.
It would have had a movin effock on
them.

I feel that I must now conclood.

I have read Earl Bright's speech at
Leeds, and I hope we shall now hoar
from John Derby. I trust that not
only they, but Wm. E. Stanley and
Lord Gladstone will cling inflexibly to
those great fundamental principles,
which they understand far better than
I do, and I will add that I do not under-
stand anything about any of them what-
ever in tho least — and let us all be
happy, and live within our mdans, even
if we have to borrer money to do it
with.

Very respectively yours,

Artemus Ward.

v-»

p i-

vm.

A VISIT TO THE BRITISH lilUSEUM.

Mr. Punch, My dear Sir, — You
didn't get a instructiv article from my
pen last week on account of my nervus
sistim havin underwent a drefflo shock.
I got caught in a brief shine of sun, and
it utterly upsot me. I was walkin in
Regent Street one day last week,
enjoyin your rich black fog and bracing
rains, when all at once the Sun bust out
and actooally shone for nearly half an
hour steady. I acted promptly. I
called a cab and told the driver to run
his boss at a friteful rate of speed to
my lodgins, but it wasn't of no avale. I
had orful cramps, my appytite left me,
and my pults went down to 10 degrees
below zero. But by careful nussih
I shall no doubt recover speedy, if the
present sparklin and exileratin weather
eoutinners.

[All of the foregoin is sarcasum.]
It's a sing'lar fack, but I never sot
eyes on your excellent British Mooseum
till the other day. I've sent a great
many peple there, as also to your genial
"Tower of" London, however. It hap-
pened thusly : When one of my excellent
countrymen jest arrived in Lpndon
would come and see me and display a
inclination to cling to me too lengthy,
thus showin a respect for mo which I
feel I do not deserve, I Avould siigjest a
visit to the Mooseum and Tow^r. The
Mooseum would ockepy him a day at
leest, aud the Tower another. Thus I've

derived considerable peace and comfort
from them noble edifisscs, and I hope
they will long continner to grace your
metroplis. There's my fren Col. Lar-
kins, from Wisconsin, who I regret to
say understands the Jamaica question,
and wants to talk with me about it ; I
sent him to the Tower four days ago,
and he hasn't got throogh with it yit.
He likes it very much, and ho writes
me that he can't never thank me sutH-
cient for directin him to so intorestin a
bildin. I writ him not to mention it. The
Col. says it is fortnit we live in a intel-
lectooal age which wouldn't countenance
such infamus things as occurd in this
Tower. I'm aware that it is fashin'ble
to compliment this age, but I ain't so
clear that the Col. is altogether right.
This is a very respectable age, but it's
pretty easily riled; and considerin upon
how slight a provycation we who live in
it go to cuttin each other's throats, it
may perhaps bo doubted whether our
intellecks is so much massiver than our
ancestors' intellecks was, after all.

I alius ride outside with the cabman.
I am of humble parentage, but I have
(if you will permit me to say so) the
spirit of the eagle, which chafes when
shut up in a four-wheeler, and I feel
much eagler when I'm in the open air.
So on the momin on wMch I went to the
Mooseum I lit a pipe, and callin a cab,
I told the driver to take me there as

A Visit TO THE BRITISH MUSEUM.

' !

quick as his Arabian charger could go.
The driver was under the inflooenco of
beer, and narrerly escaped runnin over
a aged female in the match trade,
whereupon I remonstratid with him. I
said, " That poor old woman may be the
only mother of a young man like you."
Then throwing considerable pathos into
my voice, I said, " You have a mother ? "

Ho said, '' You lie ! " I got down
and called another cab, but said nothin
to this driver about his parents.

The British Mooseum is a magnifcent
free show for the people. It is kept
open for the benefit of all.

The humble costymongcr, who tra-
verses the busy streets with a cart con-
taininall kinds of vegetablcii', ?uch as
carrots, turnips, etc., and drawn by a
spirited jackass — ho can go to the Moo-
seum and reap benefits therefrom as
well as the lord of high degree.

« And this," I said, " is the British
Mooseum ! These noble walls," I con-
tinnerd, punchiu;^ them with my umbrel-
ler to see if the masonry was all right —
but I wasn't allowd to finish my enthoo-
siastic remarks, for a man with a gold
band on his hat said, in a hash voice,
that I must stop pokin the walls. I told
him I would do so by all means. " You
see," I said, taking hold of the tassel
which waved from the man's belt, and
drawin him close to me in a confidential
way, " You see, I'm lookin round this
Mooseum, and if I like it I shall buy it."

Instid of larfin hartily at these re-
marks, which was made in a goakin
spirit, the man frowned darkly and
"walked away.

I first visited the stufied animals, of
which the gorillers interested me most.
These simple-minded monsters live in

Afriky, and are believed to be human
beins to a slight extent, altho' they are
not allowed to vote. In this depart-
ment is one or two superior giraffes. I
never wouldcd I were a bird, but I've
sometimes wished I was a giraffe, on
account of the long distance from his
mouth to his stummuck. Hence, if lie
loved beer, one mugful would give him
as much enjoyment while going doAvn as
forty mugfuls would ordinary persons.
And he wouldn't get intoxicated, which
is a beastly way of amusin oneself, I
must say. I like a little beer now and
then, and when the teetotallers inform
us, as they frekently do, that it is vilp
stuff, and that even the swine shrink
from it, I say it only shows that the
swine is a ass who don't know what's
good ; but to pour gin and brandy down
one's throat as freely as though it were
fresh milk, is the most idiotic way of
goin' to the devil that I know of.

I enjoyed myself very much lookin
at the Egyptian mummy s, the Greek
vasis, etc., but it occurd to mo there
was rayther too many "Roman anti-
quitys of a uncertin date . ' ' Now, I like*
the British Mooseum, as I said afore,
but when I see a lot of erthen jugs and
pots stuck up on shelves, and all '' of a
uncertin date," I'm at a loss to 'zactly
determin whether they are a thousand
years old or was bought recent. I can
cry like a child over a jug one thousand
years of age, especially if it is a Roman
jug ; but a jug of a uncertin date doesn't
overwhelm me with emotions. Jugs
and pots of a uncertin age is doubtless
vallyable property, but, like the de-
bentures of the London, Chatham and
Dover Railway, a man doesn't want too
many of them.

A rrSIT TO THE BRITISH MUSE ^M.

I waa debarred dut of the icat
readin-room. A man told mo I must
apply by letter for admission, and that
I must get somebody to testify that I
was respectable. I'm a little 'fraid I
shan't get in there. Scein a elderly
gentleman, with a beneverlenfc-lookin
face near by, I ventured to ask him if
he would certify that I was respectable.
He said he certainly would not, but he
would put me in charge of a policeman,
if that would do mo any good. A
thought struck me. " I refer you to
Mr. Punch,^^ I said.

" Well," said a man, who had lis-
tened to my application, "you have
done it now ! You stood some chance
before . " I will get this infamus wretch's
name before you go to press, so you can
denounce him in the present number of
your excellent journal.

The statute of Apollo is a pretty slick
statute . A young yeoman seemed deeply
imprest with it. He viewd it with
silent admiration. At home, in the
beautiful rural districks where the daisy
sweetly blooms, he would bo swearin in
a honible manner at his bullocks, and
whacking 'em over the head with a hay-
fork ; but here, in the presence of Art,
he is a changed bein.

I told the attendant that if the British
nation would stand tho oxpens of a
marble bust of myself, I would willingly
sit to some taJented sculpist. " I feel,"
I said, "that this is a dooty I owe to

posterity." Ho su. ^ it was hily prob'l,
bii*^ he was inclined to ujink that tho
B Ii natioTi >vouldn't are to enrich
tl MoQseur mi)\ a bust of me, altho'
he entured .o think that if I paid for
one myself it would be accepted cheer-
fully by Madame Tussaud, who would
give it a prom'nent position in her
Chamber of Horrers. The young man
was very polite, and I thankt him kindly.
After visitin the Refreshment room
and partakin of half a chicken " of a
uncertin age," like the Roman anti-
quitys I have previsly spoken of, I pre-
pared to leave. As I passed through
the animal room I observed with pano
that a benevolint person was urgin tho
stufit elephant to accept a cold mu£5n,
but I did not feel called on to remon-
strate with him, any more than I did
with two young persons of diff'rent
sexes who had retired behind the Ry-
nosserhoss to squeeze each other's hands.
In fack, I rayther approved of the latter
proceedin, for it carried me back to the
siuiny spring-time of wy life. I'm in tho
shear and yeller leaf now, but I don't
forgit the time when to squeeze my
Betsy's hand sent a thrill through mo
like folllii off the roof of a two-story
house ; and I never squozed that gentle
hand without wantin to do so some more,
and feelin that it did me good.

Trooly yours,

Artbmus Ward.

.^,.

nil

IX.
PYROTECIINY.

I. — TIIB PEACEFUL HAMLET

Nestling among tho grand hills of
Now Ilampshiro, in tho United States
of America, i3 a village called Water-
bury.

Perhaps you were never there.

I do not censure you if you neijcr
were.

One can get on very well without
going to Waterbury.

Indeed, there are millions of meritori-
ous persons who were never there, and
yet they are happy.

In this peaceful hamlet lived a young
man named Pettingill.

Reuben Pettingill.

lie was an agriculturist.

A broad-shouldered, deep-chested
agriculturist.

Ho was contented to live in this
peaceful hamlet.

Ho said it was better than a noisy
Othello.

• Thus do these simple children of
nature joke in a first class manner.

II. — MYSELF.

I write this romance in the French
style.

Yes : something that way.

The French style consists of making
just as many paragraphs as possible.

Thus one may fill up a coUumn in a
very short time.

I am paid by the collumn, and tho
quicker I can fill up a collumn — but
this is a matter to which wo will not
refer.

Wo will let this matter pass.

III. — PETTINGILL.

Reuben Pettingill was extremely in-
dustrious.

Ho worked hard all the year round
on his father's little farm.

Right he was !

Industry is a very fine thing.

It is one of the finest things of which
we have any knowledge.

Yet do not frown, " do not weep for
me," when I state thai I don't like it.

It doesn't agree with me.

I prefer indolence.

I am happiest when I am idle.

I could live for months without per-
forming any* kind of labour, and at tho
expiration of that time I should feel
fresh and vigorous enough to go right
on in the same way for numerous more
months.

This should not surprise you.

Nothing that a modern novellist does
should excite astonishment in any well-
regulated mind.

IV. — INDEPENDENCE DAY.

The 4th of July is always celebrated
in America with guns, and processions,
and banners, and all those things.

PYROTECIINY.

You know why wo colobrato this day.

Tho American Revolution, in 1775,
was perhaps ono of tho finest revolutions
that was over seen. But I have no
tinio to give you a full history of the
American Revolution. It would con-
sume year.s to do it,and I might weary you.

Ono 4th of July, Reuben Pittingill
went to Boston.

He saw great sights.

IIo saw tho dense throng of people,
the gay volunteers, tho banners, and,
above all, ho saw tho fireworks.

I despise myself for using so low a
word, but tho fireworks " licked" him.

A now world was opened to this
young man.

Ho returned to his parents and the
little farm among the hills, with his
heart full of fireworks.

Ho said, " I will make some myself"

He said this while eating a lobster on
top of tho coach.

He was an extraordinarily skilful
young man in the use of a common
clasp-knife.

With that simple weapon he could
make from soft wood, horses, dogs, cats,
&c. He carved excellent soldiers also.

I remember his masterpiece.

It was " Napoleon crossing the Alps."

Looking at it critically, I should say
it was rather short of Alps.

An Alp or two more would have im-
proved it: but, as a whole, ft was a
wonderful piece of work ; and what a
wonderful piece of work is a wooden
man, when his legs and arms are all right.

V. — WHAT THIS YOUNG MAN SAIA.

He said, " I can make just as good
fireworks as them in Boston."

*' Them " was not grammatical, but
why care for grammar us long us wo
are good ?

VI. — THE father's TEARS.

Pettingill neglected the farm.

Ho Biyd that it might till itself — ho
should manufacture some gorgeous fire-
works, and exhibit them on the village
green on tho next 4th of July.

He said tho Eagle of Fame would
flap his wings over their humble roof
ere many months should pass away.

" If ho does," said old Mr. Pettingill,
"^vo must shoot him, and bile him, and
eat him, because we shall be rather
short of meat, my son, if you go on in
this lazy way."

And the old man wept.

IIo shed over 120 gallons of tears.

That is to say, a puncheon. But by
all means let us avoid turning this ro-
mance into a farce.

VII. — PYROTECHNY.

But the headstrong young man went
to work, making fireworks.

He bought and carefully studied a
work on pyrotechny.

Tho villagers knew that he was a re-
markably skilful young man, and they
all said, " We shall have a great treat
next 4th of July."

Meanwhile Pettingill worked away.

VIII. — THE DAY.

The great day came at last.
Thousands poured into the little vil-
lage from far and near.
There was an oration, of course.

ill

PYROTECHNY.

IX. — ORATORY IN AMERICA.

Yes ; there was an 6ratiou.

We have a passion for oratory in
America — political oratory chiefly.

Our political orators never lose a
chance to " express their views."

They will do it. You cannot stop
them.

There was an execution in Ohio one
day, and the Sheriff, before placing the
rope round the murderer's neck, asked
him if he had any remarks to make ?

" If he hasn't," said a well-known
local orator, pushing his way rapidly
through the dense crowd to the gallows
— " if our ill-starred feller-citizen don't
feel inclined to make a speech, and is
in no hurry, I should like to avail my-
self of the present occasion to make
some remarks on the necessity of a now
protective tariff!"

X. — pettinqill's fireworks.

As I said in Chapter viii., there was
an oration. There were also proces-
sions, and guns, and banners.

" This evening," said the chairman
of the committee of arrangements, " this
evening, fellow-citizens, there vail be a
grand display of fireworks on the village
green, sui^erintended by the inventor
and manufacturer, our public-spirited
townsman, Mr. Reuben Pettingill."

Night closed in, and an immense con-
course of people gathered on the village
green.

On a raised platform, amidst his fire-
works, stood Pettingill.

He felt that the great hour of his life
was come, and, in a firm, clear voice, he
said:

"The fust fireworks, feller-citizens,

will be a rocket, whit', will go up in the
air, bust, and assume the shape of a
serpint."

He applied a match to the rocket, but
instead of going up in the air, it flew
wildly down into the grass, running
some distance with a hissing kind of
sound, and causing the masses to jump
round in a very insane manner.

Pettingill was disappointed, but not
disheartened. Ho tried again.

" The next fireworks," he said, *' will
go up in the air, bust, and become a
beautiful revolvin' wheel."

But, alas ! it did'nt. It only ploughed
a little furrow in the green grass, like
its unhappy predecessor.

The masses laughed at this, and one
man — a white-haired old villager — said,
kindly but firmly, " Reuben, I'm 'fraid
you don't understand pyrotechny."

Reuben was amazed. Why did his
rockets go down instead of up ? But,
perhaps, the others would be more suc-
cessful ; and with a flushed face, and in
a voice scarcely as firm as before, he
said :

" The next specime'n of pyrotechny
will go up in the air, bust, and become a
eagle. Said eagle will soar away into
the western skies, leavin' a red trail
behind him as he so soars."

But, alas ! agaici. No eagle soared,
but, on the contrary, that ordinarily
proud bird buried its head in the grass.
The people were dissatisfied. They
made sarcastic remarks. Some of them
howled angrily. The aged man, who
had before spoken, said, " No, Reuben,
yovu evidently don't understand pyro-
techny."

Pettingill boiled with rage and dis-
appointment.

PYROTECHNY.

" You don't understand pyrotechny !"
the masses shouted.

Then they laughed in a disagreeable
manner, and some unfeeling lads threw
dirt at our hero.

" You don't understand pyrotechny !"
the masses yelled again.

" Don't I ? " screamed Pettmgill, wild
with rage ; " don't you think I do ? "

Then seizing several gigantic rockets
he placed them over a box of powder,
and touched the whole off.

This rocket went up. It did, indeed.

There was a terrific explosion. .

No one was killed, fortunately ; though
many were injured.

The platform was almost torn to pieces.

But proudly erect among the falling
timbers stood Pettingill, his face flashing
with wild triumph ; and he shouted : " If
I'm any judge of pyrotechny, iAai rocket
has went off."

Then seeing that all the fingers on his
right hand had been taken close off in
the explosion, he added : " And I ain't
so dreadful certain but four of my fingers
has went off with it, because I don't see
'em here now I ■ '

+•',

THE NEGRO QUESTION.

I WAS sitting in the bai', quietly
smokin a frugal pipe, when two middle-
aged and stern-lookin females and a
young and pretty female suddenly
entered the room. They were accom-
panied by two umbrellers and a negro
gentleman. " Do you feel for the down-
trodden ? " said one of the females, a
thin-faced and sharp-voiced person in
green spectacles. " Do I feel for it ?"
ansered. the lan'lord, in a puzzled voice
— " Do I feel for it ?" " Yes ; for the
oppressed, the benited?" "Inasmuch
as to which ?" said the lan'lord. " You
see this man ?" said the female, pintin
her umbreller at the negro gentleman.
" Yes, marm, I see him." " Yes !"
said the female, raisin her voice to a
exceedin high pitch, " you see him, and
he's your brother !" " No, I'm darned
if he is !" said the lan'lord, hastily re-
treatin to his beer-casks. " And yours !"
shouted the excited female, addresbin
me. " He Is also your brother !" " No,
I think not, marm," I pleasantly replied.
" The nearest we come to that color in
our family was the case of my brother
John. He had the janders for sev'ral
years, but they finally left him. I am
happy to state that, at the present time,
he hasn't a solitary jander." " Look
at this man 1" screamed the female. I
looked at him. He was an able-bodied,
well-dressed, comfortable-looking negro.
He looked as though he might heave

three or four good meals a day into him
without a murmer. " Look at that
down-trodden man!" cried the female.
" Who trod on him ? " I inquired.
" Villains ! despots ! " " Well," said
the lan'lord, " why don't you go to
the willing about it? Why do you
come here tellin us niggers is our
brothers, and bracdishin your um-
brellers round' like a lot of lunytics ?
You'r wuss than the sperrit-rappers?"
" Have you," said middle-aged female
No. 2, who was a quieter sort of
person, " have you no sentiment —
no poetry in your soul — ^no love for
the beautiful ? Dost never go into
the green fields to cull the beautiful
flowers ?" "I not only never dost,"
said the landlord in an angry voice,
" but I'll bet you five pound you can't
bring a man as dares say I durst."
" The little birds," continued the female,
" dost not love to gaze onto them ?" " I
would I were a bird, that I might fly to
thou?" I humoroiisly sung, casting a
sweet glance at the pretty young woman.
" Don't you look in that way at my
dawter I" said female No. 1, in a violent
voice ; " you're old enough to be her
father." " 'Twas an innocent look,
dear madam," I softly said. " You be-
hold in me an emblem of innocence and
purity. In fact, I start for Rome by
the first train to-morrow to sit as a
model to a celebrated artist who is about

THE NEGRO QUESTION.

to sculp a statue to be called Sweet
Innocence. Do you s'pose a sculpei*
would send for me for that purpose
onless he knowd I was overflowing with
innocency ? Don't make a error about
me." "It is my opinyn," said the
leading female, " that you're a scoffer
and a wretch? Your mind is in a
wusser beclouded state than the poor
negroes we are seeking to aid. You
ai'e a groper in the dark cellar of sin.

0 sinful man !

There is a sparkling fount,
Come, 0 come, and drinlc.

No: you will not come and drink."
" Yes, ho will," said the landlord, " if
you'll treat. Jest try him." " As for
you," said the enraged female to the
landlord, " you're a degraded bein, too
low and wulgar to talk to." " This is
the sparkhn fount for me, dear sister ! "
cried the lan'lord, drawin and drinkin a
mug of beer. Having uttered which
goak, he gave a low rumblin larf, and
relapst into silence. " My colored fren,"

1 said to the negro, kindly, " what is it
all about ?" He said they was trying
to raise money to send missionaries to
the Southern States in America to
preach to the vast numbers of negroes
recently made free there . He said they
were without the gospel. They were
without tracts. I said, " My fren', this
is a seris matter. I admjre you for try-
ing to help the race to which you belong,
and far be it from me to say anything
again carrying the gospel among the

blacks of the South. Let them co to
them by all means. But I happen to
individually know that there are some
thousands of liberated blacks in the
South who are starvin. I don't blame
anybody for this, but it is a very sad
fact. Some are really too ill to work,
some can't get work to do, and others
are too foolish to see any necessity for
workin. I was down there last winter,
and I observed that this class had
plenty of preachin for their souls, but
skurce any vittles for their stummux.
Now, if it is proposed to send flour and
bacon along with the gospel, the idea is
really a excellent one. If, on the t'other
hand, it is proposed to send preachin
alone, all I can say is that it's a hard
case for the niggers. If you expect a
colored person to get deeply interested
in a tract when his stummuck is empty,
you expect too much," I gave negro
as much as I could afford, and the kind-
hearted lan'lord did the same. I said,
" Farewell, my colored fren', I wish you
well, certainly. You are now as free as
the eagle. Be like him and soar. But
don't attempt to convert a Ethiopian
person while liis stummack yearns for
vittles. And you, ladies — I hope you
afe ready to help the poor and unfortu-
nate at home, as you seem to help the
poor and unfortunate abroad." When
they had gone, the lan'lord said,
" Come into the garden. Ward." And
we went and culled some carrots for
dinner.

1 •

ESSAYS AND SKETCHES.

Artemus "Ward as Capting of the Home Gaaxis.^Sec page 15.

PART II.

I.— ABOUT EDITORS.

We hear a great deal, and something
too much about the poverty of editors.
It is common for editors to parade their
poverty and joke about it in their
papers. We see these witticisms almost
every day of our lives. Sometimes the

editor does the " vater vorks business,"
as Mr. Samuel Weller called weeping,
and makes pathetic appeals to his sub-
scribers. Sometimes he is in earnest
when he makes these appeals, but Avhy
•• on airth " does he stick to a business

' 111 I

ABOUT EDITORS.

that will not support him decently ?
Wc read of patriotic and lofty-minded
individuals who sacrifice health, time,
money, and perhaps life for the good of
humanity, the Union and that sort of
thing, hut we don't see them very often.
Wo must say that Ave could count up all
the lofty patriots in this line that we have
ever seen, during our brief but chec-
quered and romantic career, in less than
half a day. A man who clings to a
wretchedly paying business, when ho
can make himself and others near and
dear to him fatter and happier by doing
something else, is about as near an ass
as possible and not hanker after green
grass and corn in the ear. The tj-uth
is, editors as a class are very well fed,
groomed and harnessed. They have
some pains that otter folk do not have,
and they also have some privileges
which the community in general can't
possess. While we would not advise
the young reader to " go for an editor,"
we assure him he can do much worse.
He mustn't spoil a flourishing blacksmith
or popular victualer in making an indif-
ferent editor of himself, however. Ho
must be endowed with some fancy and
imagination to enchain the public eye.
It was Smith, we believe, or some other
man with an odd name, who thought
Shakspeare lacked the requisite fancy
and imagination for a successful editor.
To those persons who can't live by
prmting papers we would say, in the
language of the profligate boarder when
dunned for his bill, being told at the
same tune by the keeper of the house
that he couldn't board people for no-
thing, " sell out to somebody who can."
In other words, fly from a business
which don't remunerate. But as we

intimated before, there is much gammon
in the popular editorial cry of poverty.

Just now wo see a touching para- .
graph floating through the papers to the
effect that editors don't live out half
their years — that, poor souls ! they wear
themselves out for the benefit of a cold
and unappreciating world. We don't
believe it. Gentle reader, don't swal-
low it. It is a footlight trick to work
on your feelings. For ourselves, let us
say, that unless wc slip up considerably
on our calculations, it will be a long
time before our fellow-citizens will have
the melancholy pleasure of erecting to
our memory a towering monument of
Parian marble on the Public Square.

Items. — They are very " scarce."
Readers may complain at the lack of
local news in our papers, but where can
we get it ? We are in about as bad a
fix as the French leader of the orchestra
in a theatre " Out West" was. He was
flourishing his baton in the most frantic
manner — the fiddles were squeaking —
the brass instruments were braying — the
cymbals were clashing, and the orchestra
was making all the noise it possibly could.
But a man in the pit wasn't satisfied.
" Louder ! louder ! louder !" he yelled.
The French leader dropped his baton in
despair, wiped the perspiration from his
brow, told the orchestra to cease playing,
and violently spoke as follows : — " The
gen'lman may cry loud-AR as much as
he please, but vere we get de wind, by
gar ?" A few hours of active study
will show the reader that the comparL
sou is a good one.

EDITING.

Before you go for an Editor, young
man, pause and take a big think ! Do
not rush into the Editorial harness
rashly. Look around and see if there
is not an omnibus to drive — some soil
somewhere to be tilled — a clerkship on
some meat cart to be filled — anything
that ia reputable and healthy, rather
than going for an Editor, which is hard
business at best.

We are not a horse, and consequently
have never been called upon to furnish
the motive power for a threshing ma-
chine ; but we fancy that the life of the
Editor, who is forced to write, write,
write, whether he feels right or not, is
much like that of the steed in question.
If the yeas and neighs could be obtained,
Ave believe the intelligent horse would
decide that the threshing machine is
preferable to the sanctum Editorial.

The Editor's work is never done. He
is drained incessantly, and no wonder
that he dries up preiftaturely. Other
people can attend banquets, weddings,
etc. ; visit halls of dazzling light, get
inebriated, break windows, lick a man
occasionally, and enjoy themselves in a
variety of ways ; but the Editor cannot.
He must stick tenaciously to his quill.
The press, like a sick baby, mustn't be
left alone for a minute. If the press is
left to run itself even for a day, some
absurd person indignantly orders the
carrier-boy to stop bringing " that infei'-
nal paper.. There's nothing in it. I
won't have it in the house!"

The elegant Mantalini, reduced to
mangletuming, described his life as "'a
dem'd horrid grind." The life of the
Editor is all of that.

But there is a good time coming, wo
feel confident, for the Editor. A time
when he will be appreciated. ^Vhen ho
will have a front seat. When ho will
have pie every day, and wear store
clothes continually. When the harsh
cry of " stop my paper " will no more
grate upon his ears. Courage, ISIes-
sieurs the Editors ! Still, sanguine as
we are of the coming of this jolly time,
we advise the aspirant for Editorial
honors to pause ere he takes up the
quill as a means of obtaining his bread
and butter. Do not, at least, do so until '
you have been jilted several dozen times
by a like number of girls ; until you
have been knocked down stairs and
soused in a horse-pond ; until all the
" gushing " feelings within you have
been thoroughly subdued ; until, in
short, your hide is of rhinoceros thick-
ness. Then, 0 aspirants for the bubble
reputation at the press's mouth, throw
yourselves among the inkpots, dust, and
cobwebs of the printing oflSce, if you will.

* * * Good my lord, will you see
the Editors well bestowed ? Do you hear,
let them be well used, for they are the
abstract and brief chronicles of the
time.. After your death you had better
have a bad epitaph than their ill report
while you live.-

Hamlet, sligldly altered.

MORALITY AND GENIUS

We sec it gravely stated in a popular
Metropolitan journal that " true genius
goes hand in hand, necessarily, with
morality." Tlie statement is not a
startlingly novel one. It has been
made, probably, about sixty thousand
times before. But it is untrue and
foolish. Wc wish genius and morality
were affectionate companions, but it is a
fact that they are often bitter enemies.
They don't necessarily coalesce any
more than oil and water do. Innumer-
able instances may be readily produced
in support of this proposition. Nobody
doubts that Sheridan had genius, yet he
was a sad dog. Mr. Byron, the author
of Childe Harold " and other poems,"
was a man of genius, we think, yet Mr.
Byron was a fearfully fast man. Edgar
A. Poe wrote magnificent poetry and
majestic prose, but he was in private
life hardly the man for small and select
tea parties. We fancy Sir Richard
Steele was a man of genius, but he got
disreputably drunk, and didn't pay his
debts. Swift had genius — an immense
lot of it — ^yet Swift was a cold-blooded,
pitiless, bad man. The catalogue might
be spun out to any length, but it were
useless to do it. We don't mean to
intimate that men of genius must neces-

sarily be sots and spendthrifts — we
merely speak of the fact that very
many of them have been both, and in
some instances much worse than both.
Still we can't well see (though some
think they can) how the pleasure and
instruction people derive from reading
the productions of these great lights is
diminished because their morals were
"lavishly loose." They might have
written better had their private lives
been purer, but of this nobody can
determine, for the pretty good reason
that nobody knows.

So with actors. We have seen people
stay away from the theatre because
Mrs. Grundy said the star of the even-
ing invariably retired to his couch in a
state of extreme inebriety. If the star
is afflicted with a weakness of this kind,
we may regret it. We may pity or
censure the star. But we must still
acknowledge the star's genius, and ap-
plaud it. Hence we conclude that the
chronic weaknesses of actors no more
affect the question of the propriety of
patronizing theatrical representations,
than the profligacy of journeymen shoe-
makers affects the question of the pro-
priety of wearing boots . All of which is
respectfully submitted.

IV.

POPULARITY.

I no more

What a queer thing is popularity.
Bill Pug Nose of the " Plug-Uglies "
ac([uire8 a world-wide reputation by
smashing up the "champion of light
weights," sets up a Saloon upon it, and
realizes the first month; while our
Missionary, who collected two hundred
blankets last August, and at that time
saved a like numbei- of little negroes in
the West Indies from freezing, has re-
ceived nothing but the yellow fever.
The Hon. Oracular M. Matterson be-
comes able to withstand any quantity of
late nights and bad brandy, is elected
to Congress, and lobbies through con-
tracts by which he realizes some
$50,000, while private individuals lose
$100,000 by the Atlantic Cable. Con-
tracts are popular — the cable isn't.
Fiddlers, Prima-Donnas, Horse Operas,
learned pigs, and five-legged calves
travel through the country, reaping
" golden opinions," while editors, inven-
tors, professors and humanitarians gen-
erally, are starving in garrets. Revivals
of religion, fashions, summer resorts,
and pleasure trips, are exceedingly
popular, while trade, commerce, chloride
of lime, and all the concomitants
necessary to render the inner life of
denizens of cities tolerable, are decided-
ly NGN EST. Even water, which was so
popular and populous a few weeks
agone, comes to us in such stinted
sprinklings that it has become popular
to supply it only from hydrants in suflS-
cient quantities to raise one hundred
disgusting smells in a distance of two

blocks. Monsieur Rcvierre, with nothing
but a small name and a large quantity
of hair, makes himself exceedingly popu-
lar with hotel-keepers and a numerous
progeny of female Flaunts and Blounts,
while Felix Smooth and Mr. Chink, who
persistently set forth their personal and
more substantial marital charms through
the columns of the New York Herald,
have only received one interview each —
one from a man in female attire, and the
other from the keeper of an unmention-
able house. Popularity is a queer thing,
very. If you don't believe us, try it !

Dull. — It is a scandalous fact that
this city is desperately and fearfully
barren of incident. No " dem'd,
moist unpleasant bodies " are fished up
out of the river; no ambitious young
female runs off with her " feller ; " no
stabbings, gougings, or fisticuffs occur ;
no eminent merchant suspends ; no
banker or railroad man defaults, and
not even a dog-fight disturbs the rigid
and corpse-like quiet of the city. We
want a murder. We insist upon having
a murder. A manslaughter won't do.
It must be murder, premeditated, foul,
and unnatural. It must be a luscious
murder, abounding in soul-harrowing
incidents. Some " man in human
shape" must chop the heads of his
entire family off with a meat-axe, or
insert a butcher-knife ingeniously under
their fifth ribs. Let murder be done.
Bring on your murderers. We want to
be Rochestered

A LITTLE DIFFICULTY IN THE WAY.

i .

An enterprising traveling agent for
a well-known Cleveland Tomb Stone
Manufactory lately made a business
visit to a small town in an adjoining
county. Hearing, in the village, that a
man in a remote part of the township
bad lost his wife, ho thought ho would
go and see him and offer him consola-
tion and a gravestone, on his usual
reasonable terras. He started. The
road was a frightful one, but the agent
persevered, and finally arrived at the
bereaved man's house. Bereaved man's
hired girl told the agent that the
bereaved man was splitting fence rails
" over in the pastur, about two milds."
Tlie indefatigable agent hitched his
horse and started for the "pastur."
After falling into all manner of mud-
holes, scratching himself with briars,
and tumbling over decayed logs, the
agent at length found the bereaved man.

In a subdued voice he asked the man
if he had lost liis wife. The man said
he had. The agent was very sorry to
hear of it, and sympathized with the
man very deeply in his great affliction ;
but death, ho said, was an insatiate
archer, and shot down all, both of high
and low degree. Informed the man
that " what was his loss was her gain,"
and would be glad to sell him a grave-
stone to mark the spot where the beloved
one slept — marble or common stone, as
he chose, at prices defying competition.
The bereaved man said there was " a
little diflBculty in the way." " Haven't
you lost your wife ?" inquired the agent.
" Why yes, I have," said the man,
" but no grave stun ain't necessary :
you see the cussed critter ain't dead.
She*s scooted with another man!"
The agent retired. ,

VI.

OTHELLO.

Everybody knows that this ia one of
I\Ir. W. Shakespeare's best and most
attractive plays. The public k more
familiar with Othello than any other
of " the great Bard's" efforts. It is
the most quoted from by writers and
orators, Hamlet perhaps excepted, and
provincial theatres seem to take more
delight in doing it than almost any
other play extant, legitimate or other-
wise. The scene is laid in Venice.
Othello, a warm-hearted, impetuous and
rather verdant Moorish gentleman, con-
siderably in the military line, falls in
love and marries Desdemona, daughter
of the Hon. Mr. Brabantio, who repre-
sents one of the " back districts" in the
Venetian Senate. The Senator is quite
vexed at this-^rends his linen and swears
considerably — ^but finally dries up, re-
questing the Moor to remember that
Desdemona has deceived her Pa, and
bidding him to look out that she don't
Ukewise come' it over him, " or words to
that effect." Mr. and Mrs. Othello get
along veiy pleasantly for awhile. She
is sweet-tempered and affectionate — a
nice, sensible woman, not at all inclined
to pantaloons, he-female conventions,
pickled-beets and other " strong-minded"
arrangements. He is a likely man and
" a good provider." But a man named
lago, who we believe wants to get Mr.

0. out of his snug government berth
that he may go into it, systematically
and effectually ruins the Othello house-
hold. Had there been a Lecompton
Constitution up, lago would have been
an able and eloquent advocate of it, and
would thus have got Othello's position,
for the^ Moor would have utterly repu-
diated that pet scheme of the Devil and
several other gentlemen, whose names
we omit out of regard for the feelings
of their parents. Lecompton wasn't a
" test," however, and lago took another
course to oust Othello. He fell in with
a brainless young man named Roderigo
and won all of his money at euchre,
(lago always played foul.) We suppose
he did this to procure funds to help him
carry out his vile scheme. Michael
Cassio, whose first name ' ^uld imply
that he was of the Irish persuasion, was
the unfortunate individual selected by
Mr. I. as his principal tool. This
Cassio was a young officer of consid-
erable promise and high moral worth.
He yet unhappily had a weakness for
drink, and through this weaknes Mr.

1. determined to " fetch him." He
accordingly proposed a drinking bout
with Michael. Michael drank faithfully
every time, but lago adroitly threw his
whiskey on the floor. While Cassio ia
pouring the liquor down his throat lago

4§

OTHELLO.

Binfi;a a popular })acchanalian son;;, the
first verso of which ia us follows :

Ami lot in« tho caniikin clink, clink,
And li't mo tho canukiu clink :

A solilifrV (V uiiin,

A lifoV bnt u span,
Why tlion let n Holilim- drink."

And tho infatuated young man docs
drink. The " canakin is clhikcd" until
Michael gets as tight aa a l)oilcd owl.
Ho has ahout seven inches of whiskey in
him. He says he is sober, and thinks
he can walk a crack wiih distinguished
success. He then grows religious and
" hopes to bo saved." Ho then wants
to fight, and allows ho can lick a yard
full of tho Venetian fancy. Ho falls in
with Roderigo and proceeds to smash
him. Montano undertakes to stop Cassio.
when that intoxicated person stabs him,
lago protends to be very sorry to see
Michael conduct himself in this improper
manner, and undertakes to smooth the
thing over to Othello, who rushes in with
a drawn sword and wants to know what's
up. lago cunningly gives his villainous
explanation, and Othello tells Michael
that he loves him but he can't train in
his regiment any more. Desdemona,
the gentle and good, sympathizes with
Cassio and intercedes for him with the
Moor. lago gives the Moor to under-
stand that she does this because she likes
Michael better than she does his own
dark-faced self, and intimate? that their
relations (Desdemona's and Michael's)
are of an entirely too friendly character.

Tho Moor believes tho villain's yarn,
I and commences making himself unhap{)y
' and disagreeable generally. lago tolls
Othello what he heard Cassio say abotit
" sweet Desdemona" in his dreams, but
of cotirse the story was a creation of
lago's fruitful l)rain — in short, a lie.
Tlio poor Moor swallows it, though, and
storms terribly. Ho grabs lago by tho
throat and tells him to give him tho
ocular proof. lago becomes virtuously
indignant and is sorry he mentioned the
subject to the Moor. The Moor relents
and believes lago. Ho then tortures
Desdemona with his foul suspicions, and
finally smothers hor with a pillow while
she is in bod. Mrs. lago, who ia a
woman of spirit, comes in on the Moor
just as ho has finished tho murder. She
gives it to him right smartly, and shows
him ho has been terribly deceived. Mr.
lago enters. Mrs. lago pitches into
him and ho stabs her. Othello gives
him a piece of his mind and subsequently
a piece of his sword. lago, with a sar-
donic smile, says he bleeds but isn't hurt
much. He then walks up to Othello,
and with another sardonic smile, points
to the death-couch of poor Desdemona.
Ho then goes off. Othello tells the
assembled dignitaries that he has done
tho State some service and they know
it ; asks them to speak of him as he is,
and do as fair a thing as they can under
the circumstances ; calls himself a cir-
cumcised dog, and kills himself, which
is the most sensible thing he can do.

SCENES OUTSIDE THE FAIR GROUND.

There is sorao fun outaidc the Fair
Ground. Any number of mountebanks
have pitched their tonts there, and arc
exhibiting all sorts of monstrosities to
large and enthusiastic audiences. There
are some eloquent men among the show-
men. Some of them are Demosthenic.
Wo looked around among them during
the last day wo honored the Fair with
our brilliant presence, and were rather
pleased at some things wo heard and
witnessed.

Tho man with the fat woman and the
little woman and tho litttlo man was
there. " 'Ero's a show now," said he,
" worth seeing. 'Ere's a entertainment
that improves tho morals. P. T. Bamum
— ^you've all hcarn o' him. What did
he say to me ? Sez he to me, sez P.
T. Bamum, ' Sir, you have the damdist
best show travelin' ! — and all to be seen
for the small sum of fifteen cents!"

The maji with the blue hog was there.
Says he, " GentleMEN, this beast can't
turn round in a crockery grate ten feet
square and is of a bright indigo blue.
Over five hundred persons have seen
this wonderful being this mornin', and
they said as they come out, ' What can
these 'ere things be 'f Is it alive ?
Doth it breathe and have a being ? Ah
yes, they say, it is true, and we have
saw a entertainment as wo never saw
afore. 'Tis nature's [only fifteen cents
— 'ere's your change, Sir] own sublime
handiworks' — and walk right in."

The man with the wild mare was

there. " Now, then, u\y friends, is your
time to see tho gorratist qucoriosity in
tho livin' world — a wild mare without
no hair — captercd on tho roarin' wild
prahayrics of the far distant West by
sixteen Injuns. Don't fail to sec this
gcrratc exhibition. Only fifteen cents.
Don't go hum without scein' the State
Fair, an' you >von't sec tho State Fair
without you sec my show. Gcrratist
exhibition in the known world, an' all
for the small sum of fifteen cents."
Two gentlemen conncctec^ with tlic press
here walked up and Jiskrd the showman,
in a still small voice, if ho extended the
usual courtesies to editors. He said he
did, and requested them to go in. Wliilo
they were in some sly dog told him their
names. When they came out tho show-
man pretended to talk with thciji, though
he didn't say a word. Tliey were evi-
dently in a hurry. " There, gentlcMEN,
what do y^u think them gentlemen say ?
They air editors — editors, gentlcMEN —

Mr. of the Cleveland , and

Mr. of the Detroit , and

they say it is tho gerratist show they
ever seed in theirborn days !" [Nothing
but tho tip ends of the editors' coat-tails
could bo seen when the showman con-
cluded this speech.]

A smart-looking chap was doing a
brisk business with a gambling contriv-
ance. Seeing two policemen approach,
ha rapidly and ingeniously covered the
dico up, mounted his table, and shouted :
" 'Ere's the only great show on the

SCENES OUTSIDE THE FAIR GROUNP,.

grounds ! The highly trained and per-
forming Mud Turtle with nine heads and
seventeen tails, captured in a -well-forti-
fied hencoop, after a desperate struggle,
in the lowlands of the Wabash ! ! " The
facetious wretch esc:.ped.

A grave, ministerial-looking and
cldery man in a white choker had a
gift-enterprise concern. " My friends,''
he solemnly said, " you will observe that
this jewelry is elegant indeed, but I
can afford to give it away, as I have a
twin brother seven years older than I
am, in New York City, who steals it a
great deal faster than I can give it away.
No blanks, my friends — all prizes — and
only fifty cents a chance. I don't make
anything myself, my friends — all I get
goes to aid a sick woman — ni_y uunt in the
country, gentlemen — and besides I like
to see folks enjoy themselves !" The
old scamp said all this with a perfectly
grave countenance.

The man with the " wonderful calf
with five legs and a burning head," and
" the philosophical lung-tester," were
there. Then there was the Flying
Circus and any number of other in-
genious contrivances to relieve young
ladies and gentlemen from the rural
districts of their spare change.

A young man was bitterly bewailing
the loss of his watch, which had been
cut from his pocket by some thief.
" You ain't smart," said a middle-aged
individual in a dingy Kossuth hat with
a feather in it, and who had a very
you-can't-fool-me look. " Iv'e been to
the State Fair before, I want yer to
understan', and know my bizniss aboard
a propellar. Here's my money," he
exultingly cried, slapping his pantaloon's
pocket. About half an hour after this

we saw this smart individual rushing
frantically around after a policeman.
Somebody '^ad adroitly relieved him of
HIS money. In his search for a police-
man he encountered the young man
who wasn't smart. "Haw, haw, haw,"
violently laughed the latter, " by G — ,
I thought you was smart — I thought
you had been to the State Fair before."
The smart man looked sad for a moment,
but ft knowing smile soon crossed his
face, and drawing the young man who
wasn't smart confidentially towards him,
said : " There wasn't only fifty cents
in coppers in my pocket — my money is
in my boot — they can't fool me — I've

LEEN TO THE StATE FaIR BEFORE ! ! "

He Declined " Biling. " — The
students of the Conneaut Academy
gave a theatrical entertainment a few
winters ago. They " executed" Julius
Csesar. Everything went off satisfac-
torily until Caesar was killed in the
market-place. The stage accommoda-
tions were limited, and Caesar fell nearly
under the stove in which there was a
roaring fire. And when Brutus said —

" People and Senators ! — bo not affrighted ;
Fly not i stand still— ambition's debt is paid I"

he was amazed to see Caesar rise upon
his feet and nervously examine his
scorched garments. " Lay down, you
fool," shouted Brutus, wildly, " do you
want to break up the whole thing?"
" No," returned Caesar, in an excited
manner, " I don't : I want to act out
Gineral Caesar in good style, but I ain't
goin' to bile under that cussed old stove
for nobody !" This stopped the play,
and the students abandoned theatricals
forthwith.

V'll.

COLORED PEOPLE'S CHURCH.

Theuw is a plain little mcctin^-house
on Barnwell street in which the colored
people — or a goodly portion of them —
worship on Sundays. The seats are
cushionless and have perpendicular
backs. The pulpit is plain white —
trimmed with red, it is true, but still
a very unostentatious affair for colored
people, who are supposed to have a
decided weakness for gay hues. Should
you escort a lady to this church and
seat yourself beside her, you will in-
fallibly be touched on the shoulder, and
poUtely requested to move to the "gentle-
men's side." Gentlemen and. ladies are
not allowed to sit together in this church.
They arc parted remorselessly. It is
hard — we may say it is terrible — to be
torn asunder in this way, but you have
to submit, and of course you had better
do so gracefully and pleasantly.

Meeting opens with an old fashioned
liymn, Avhich is very well sung indeed,
by the congregation. Then the minister
reads a hymn, which is simg by the
choir on the front seats near the pulpit.
Then the minister prays. He hopes no
one has been attracted there by idle
curiosity — to see or bo seen — and you
naturally conclude that he is gently
hitting you. ■ Another hymn follows the
[n-ayer, and then wo have the discourse,
wliich certainly has the merit of pecu-
liarity and boldness. The minister's
name is Jones. Ho don't mince matters

at all. He talks about the " flames of
hell" with a confident fierceness that
must be quite refreshing to sinners.
" There's no half-way about this," says
he, " no by-paths. There arc in Cleve-
land lots of men who go to church
regularly, who behave well in meeting,
and who pay their bills. They ain't
Christians, though. They're gentlemen
sinners. And whar d'ye spose they'll
fetch up? I'll tell ye— they'll fetch
tip in hell, and they'll come up stand-
ing, too — there's where they'll fetch
up ! Who's my backer ? Have I got
a backer ? Whar's my backer ? This
is my backer (striking the Bible before
him) — the Bible will back me to any
amount !" To still further convince
his hearers that he was in earnest, he
exclaimed, " That's me — that's Jones !"

He alluded to Eve in terms of bitter
censure. It was natural that Adam
should have been mad at her. "I
shouldn't want a woman that wouldn't
mind me, myself," said the speaker.

He directed his attention to dancing,
declaring it to be a great sin. " Whar
there's dancing there's fiddling — whar
there's fiddling there's unrighteousness,
and imrighteousness is wickedness, and
wickedness is sin ! That's me — that's
Jones."

Bosom, the speaker invariably called
" buzzim," and devil, " debil," with a
fearfully strong accent on the " il."

;i 13

IX.

SPIRITS.

fi i

Mr. Davenport, who has been for
some time closely identified with the
modern spiritual movement, is in the
City with his daughter, who is quite
celebrated as a medium. They are
accompanied by Mr. Eighme and his
daughter, and are holding circles in
Hoffmjji's Block every afternoon and
evening. We were present at the
circle last evening. Miss Davenport
seated herself at a table on which was
a tin trumpet, a tamborine, and a guitar.
The audience were seated around the
room. The hghts were blown out, and
the spirit of an eccentric individual,
well known to the Davenports, and
whom they call George, addressed the
audience through the trumpet. He
called several of those present by
name in a boisterous voice, and dealt
several stunning knocks on the table.
George has been in the spirit world
some two hundred years, lie is a
rather rough spirit, and probably run
with the machine and " killed for
Kyscr" when in the flesh. lie ordered
the seats in the room to be wheeled
round so the audience would face the
table. He said the people on the front
seat must be tied with a rope. The
order was misunderstood, the rope being
merely dra^vn before those on the front
seat. He reprimanded Mr. Davenport
for not understanding the instructions.
What he ment was that the rope should

be pasded once around each person on
the front seat and then tightly drawn,
a man at each end of the seat to hold
on to it. This was done and George
expressed himself satisfied. There was
no one near the table save the medium.
All the rest were beliind the rope, and
those on the front seat were particularly
charged not to let any one pass by
them. George said he felt first-rate,
and commenced kissing the ladies
present. The smack could be dis-
tinctly heard, and some of the ladies
said the sensation was very natural.
For the first time in our eventful life
we sighed to be a spirit. We envied
George. We did not understand whether
the kissing was done through a trumpet.
After kissing considerably, and indulg-
ing in some playful remarks with a
man whose Christian name was Napo-
leon Bonaparte, and whom George
called " Boney," ho tied the hands
and feet of the medium. He played
the guitar and jingled the tamborine,
and then dashed them violently on the
floor. Tlie candles were lit and Miss
Davenport was securely tied. She
could not move her hands. Her feet
were bound, and the rope (which was
a long one) was fastened tQ the chair. No
person in the room had been near her
or had anythmg to do with tieing her.
Every person who was m the room will
take his or her oath of that. She could

SPIRITS.

hardly have tied herself. We never
saw such intricate and thorough tieing
in our life. The believers present were
convinced that George did it. The un-
believers didn't exactly know what to
think about it. The candles were ex-
tinguished again, and pretty soon Miss
Davenport told George to " don't. "
She spoke in an affrighted tone. The
candles were lit, and she was discovered
sitting on the table — ^hands and feet tied
as before, and herself tied to the chair
withal. The lights were again blown
out, there were sounds as if some one
was lifting her from the table ; the
candles were re-lit, and she was seen
sitting in the chair on the floor again.

No one had been near her from the
audience. Again the lights were ex-
tinguished, and presently the medium
said her feet were wet. It appeared
that the mischievous spirit of one Biddie,
an Irish Miss who died when twelve
years old, had kicked over the water-
pail. Miss Eighme took a seat at the
table, and the same mischievous Biddie
scissored off a liberal lock of her hair.
There was the hair, and it had indis-
putably just ,been taken from Miss
Eighme's head, and her hands and feet,
like those of Miss D., were securely tied.
Other thinffs of a stasgerinif character

to the skeptic were done

during

the

evenmg.

■ )• t

tit

MR. BLOWHARD.

The reader lias probably met Mr.
Blowhard. lie is usually round. You
find him in all public places. Ho is
particularly " numerous " at shows.
Knows all the actors intimately. Went
to school with some of 'em. Knows
how much thoy get a month to a cent,
and how much liquor they can hold to
a teaspoonful. He knows Ned Forrest
like a book. Has taken sundry drinks
with Ned. Ned likes him much. Is
well acquainted with a certain actress.
Could have married her just as easy as
not if he wanted to. Didn't like her
" style," and so concluded not to marry
her. Knows Dan Rice well. Knows
all of his men and horses. Is on terms
of affectionate intimacy with Dan's rhi-
noceros, and is tolerably well acquainted
with the performing elephant. We en-
countered Mr. Blowhard at the circus
yesterday. He was entertaining those
near him with a full account of the
whole institution, men, boys, horses,
"muils" and all. He said the rhino-
ceros was perfectly harmless, as his teeth
had all been taken out in infancy. Be-
sides, the rhinoceros was under the in-
fluence of opium, while he was in the
ring, which entirely prevented his iiyur-

ing anybody. No danger whatever. In
due course of time the amiable beast
was led into the ring. When the cord
was taken from his nose, he turned sud-
denly and manifested a slight desire to
run violently in among some boys who
were seated near the musicians. The
keeper, with the assistance of one of the
Bedouin Arabs, soon induced him to
change his mind, and got him in the
middle of the ring. The pleasant quad-
ruped had no sooner arrived here than
he hastily started, with a melodious
bellow, towards the seats on one of
which sat Mr. Blowhai-d. Each particu-
lar hair on Mr. Blowhard's head stood
up " like squills upon the speckled
porkupine" (Shakspearc or Artcmus
Ward, wo forget which), and he fell
Avith a small shriek, down through the
seats to the ground. He remained
there until the agitated rhinoceros ))o-
came calm, when he craAvled slowly back
to his seat. " Keep mum," ho said, with
a very wise shake of the head, " I only
wanted to have some fun with them follcs
above us. I swar, I'll bet the whisky
they thought I was scared !" Great
character, that Blowhai-d.

Artomus Ward visits tho Tomb of Shakspearo and makes a slight
.,,-, mistake. — See jnigo IS. ,

XI.

MARKET MORNING.

Hurrah ! this is market day,

Up, lads, and gaily away !— Old Comedy.

On market mornings there is a roar
and a crash all about the comer of
Kmsman and Pittsburgh streets. Tho
market building, so called we presume

because it don't in the least resemble a
market buildmg, is crowded with beef
and butchers, and almost countless meat
and vegetable wagons of all sorts, are
confusedly huddled together all around
outside. These wagon's mostly come

MARKET MORNING.

from a few miles out of town, and arc
always on the spot at daybreak. A
little after sunrise the crash and jam
commences, and continues with little
cessation until 10 o'clock in the fore-
noon. There is a babel of tongues, an
excessively cosmopolitan gathering of
people, a roar of wheels, and a lively
smell of beef and vegetables. The soap
man, the head-ache curative man, the
razor man, and a variety of other toler-
able humbugs are in full blast. We
meet married men with baskets in their
hands. Those who have been fortunate
in their selections look happy, while some
who have been unlucky wear a dejected
air, for they are probably destined to
get pieces of their wives' minds on
their arrival home. It is true, that all
married men have their own way, but
the trouble is they don't all have their
own way of having it ! We meet a
newly married man. He has recently
set up house-keeping. He is out to buy
steak for breakfast. There are only
himself and wife and female domestic
in the family. He shows us his basket,
which contahis steak enough for at least
ten able-bodied men. We tell him so,
but he says we don't know anything
about war, and passes on. Here comes
a lady of high degree, who has no end
of servants to send to the market, but
she likes to come herself, and it won't
prevent her shming and sparkling in
her elegant drawing-room this afternoon.
And she is accumulating muscle and
freshness of face by these walks to
market.

And here h a charming picture.
'Standing besside a vegetable cart is a
maiden beautiful, and sweeter far than
any daisy in the fields. Eyes of purest
blue, lips of cherry red, teeth like pearls,
silken, golden hair, and form of exquisite
mould. We wonder if she is a fairy, but
instantly conclude that she is not, for in
measuring out a peck of onions she spills
S3me of them, a small boy laughs at the
mishap, and she indignantly shies the
measure at his head. Fairies, you know ,
don't throw peck-measures at small boys'
heads. The spell was broken. The
golden chain which for a moment bound
us fell to pieces. We meet an eccentric
individual in corduroy pantaloons and
pepper-and-salt coat, who wants to know
if we didn't sail out of Nantucket in 1852
in the \/haling brig Jasper Green. Wo
are compelled to confess that the only
nautical experience we ever had was to
once temporarily command a canal boat
on the dark-rolling Wabash, while the
captain went ashore to cave in the head
of a miscreant who had winked lascivi-
ously at the sylph who superintended
the culinary department on board that
gallant craft. The eccentric individual
smiles in a ghastly manner, says perhaps
we won't lend him a dollar till to-morrow ;
to which we courteously reply that we
certainly/ won't, and he glides away.

We return to our hotel, remvigorated
with the early, healthful jaunt, and be-
stow an imaginary purse of gold upon
our African Brother, who brings us a
hot and excellent breakfast.

xn.

WE SEE TWO WITCHES.

Two female fortune-tellers recently
came hither, and spread "small bills"
throughout the city. Being slightly
anxious, in common with a wide circle
of relatives and friends, to know where
we were going to and what was to be-
come of us, we visited both of these
eminently respectable witches yesterday
and had our fortune told " twict."
Physicians sometimes disagree, lawyers
invariably do, editors occasionally fall
out, and we are pained to say that even
witches unfold different tales to one in-
dividual. In describing our interviews
with these singularly gifted female
women, who are actually and positive-
ly here in this city, we must speak
considerably of " we" — not because we
flatter ourselves that we are more in-
teresting than people in general, but
because in the present case it is really
necessary. In the language of Hamlet's
Pa, " List, 0 list !"

We went to see " Madame B." first.
She has rooms at the Burnett House.
The following is a copy of her bill :

MADAME B.

The celebrated Spanish Astrologist,
Clairvoyant and female Doctress, would
respectfully announce to the citizens
that she has just arrived in this city,
and designs remaming for a few days
only. The Madame can be consulted
on all matters pertaining to life, either

past, present, or future, tracing the line
of life from Infancy to Old Age, par-
ticularizing each event, in regard to
Business, Love, Marriage, Courtship,
Losses, Law Matters, and Sickness of
Relatives and Friends at a distance.

The Madame Avill also show her visitors
a life-hko representation of their Future
Husbands and Wives.

Lucky Numbers in Lotteries can also
be selected by her, and hundreds who
have consulted her have drawn capital
prizes. The Madame will furnish medi-
cine for all diseases, for grown persons,
male or female, and children.

Persons wishing to consult her con-
cerning this mysterious art and human
destiny, particularly with reference to
their own individual bearing in relation
to a supposed Providence, can be ac-
commodated by calling at Boom No. 23, .
Burnett House, corner of Prospect and
Ontario streets, Cleveland.

The Madame haa traveled extensively
for the last few years, both in the United
States and the West Indies, and the
success which hrs attended her in all
places has won for her the reputation of
being the most wonderful Astrologist of
the present age.

The Madame has a superior faculty
for this business, having been bom with
a Caul on her Face, by virtue of which
she can more accurately read the past,
present and future ; also enabling her

WE SEE TWO WITCHES.

to cure many diseases without using
(\v\vis or medicines. The Madame ad-
vertises nothing but what she can do.
Call on her if you would consult the
greatest Foreteller of events now living.
Hours of Consultation, from 8 A.M.
to 9 o'clock P.M.

Wo urbanely informed the lady with
the " Caul on her Face" that we had
called to have our fortune told, and she
said "hand out your money." This
preliminary being settled, Madame B.
(who is a tall, sharp-eyed, dark-featured
and angular woman, dressed in painfully
positive colors, and heavily loaded with
gold chain and mammoth jewelry of
various kinds) and Jupiter indicated
powerful that we were a slim constitu-
tion, which came down on to us on our
father's side. Wherein our constitution
was not slim, so it came down on to us
from our mother's side. "Is this so ?"
and we said it was. " Yes," continued
the witch, " I know'd t'was. You can't
deceive Jupiter, me, nor any other
planick. You may swim over Hell's-
Pomt same as Leander did, but you
can't deceive the planicks. Give me
yer hand ! Times ain't so easy as they
has been. So — so — ^but 'tis temp'ry.
T'wont last long. Times will be easy
soon. You may be tramped on to onct
or twict, but you'll rekiver. You have
talenk, me child. You kin make a Con-
gresser if sich you likes to be. [We
said we would be excused if it was all,
the same to her.] You kin be a lawyer.
[We thanked her, but said we would
rather retain our present good moral
character.] You kin be a soldier. You
have courage enough to go to the
Hostriau wars and kill the French.

[We informed her that wo had already
murdered some " EngUsh."] You won't
have much money till you're thirty-threo
years of old. Then you will have large
sums — forty thousand dollars perhaps.
Look out for it ! [Wo promised we
would.] You have traveled some, and
you will travel more, which will make
your travels more extcnsiver than they
has been. You will go to Califomy by
way of Pike's Pick. [Same route taken
by Horace Greeley.] If nothin' happens
on to you you won't meet with no acci-
dents and will get through pleasant,
which you otherwise will not do under
all circumstances however which doth
happens to all both great and small
likewise to the rich as also the poor.
Hearken to me ! There has been deaths
in your family, and there will be more !
But Reserve your constitution and you
will live to be seventy years of old.
Me child, her hair will be black — black
as the Ra/ing's wing. Likewise black
will also be her eyes, and she'll be as
different from which you air as night
and day. Look out for the darkish man !
He's yer rival ! Beware of the darkish
man ! [We promised that we'd intro-
duce a funeral into the " darkish man's"
family the moment we encountered him !]
Me child, there's more sunshine than
clouds for ye, and send all your friends
up here.

A word before you goes. Expose not
yourself. Your eyes is sailer which is
on accounts of bile on your systim.
Some don't have bile on to their systims
which their eyes is not sailer. This bile
ascends down on to you from many
generations which is in their graves and
peace to their ashes.

WE SEE TWO WITCHES.

MADAME CROMPTON.

Wc then proceeded directly to
• Madame Crompton, the otlier forcunc-
teller.

Below is her bill :

MADAME R. CROMPTON,

The world-renowned Fortune Teller and
Astrologist. Madame Crompton begs
leave to inform the citizens of Cleveland
and vicinity, that she has taken rooms
at the Farmers' St. Clair House, corner
of St. Clair and Water Streets, where
she may be consulted on all matters
pertaining to Past and Future Events.
Also, giving information of Absent
Friends, whether liv-ing or dead.

P.S. — Persons having lost or having
property stolen of any kind, will do Avell
to give her a call, as she will describe the
person or persons with such accuracy
as will astonish the most devout critic.

Terms Reasonable.

She has rooms at the Farmci*s' Hotel,
as stated in the bill above. She was
driving an extensive business, and we
were forced to wait half an hour or so
for a chance to see her. Madame
Crompton is of the English persuasion,
and has evidently searched many long
years in vain for her H. She is small
in stature, but considerably inclined to
corpulency, and her red round face is
continually wreathed in smiles, remind-
ing one of a new tin pan basking in the
noonday sun. She took a greasy pack

of common playing-cards, and requested

us to " cut them in three," which wo

did. She spread them out before her

on the table, and said : " Sir to you

which I speaks. You 'av been terrible

crossed in love, and your 'art 'as been

much panged. But you'll get all over

it and marry a light complected gale

with rayther reddish 'air. Before some

time you'll have a leggercy fall down on

to you, mostly • in solick Jold. There

may be a lawsuit about it and you may

be sui>prisoned as a witnesses, but you'll

git it — mostly in solick Jold, which you

Avill keep in chista, and you must look out

for them. [We said we would keep a

skinned optic on " them chists."] You

'as a enemy and he's a lightish man.

He wants to defraud you out of your

'onesty. He is tellink lies about you

now in the 'opes of crushin' yourself-

[A weak invention of" the opposition."]

You never did nothin' bad. Your 'art

is right. You 'ave a great taste for

bosses and Uke to stay with 'em.

Mister to you I sez ! Gard aginst the

lightish man and all will be well." The

supernatural being then took an oval-

shaped chunk of glass (which she called

a stone) and requested us to " hang on

to it." She looked into it and said :

" If you're not keerful when you get

your money you'll lose it, but which

otherwise you will not, and fifty cents is

as cheap as I kin afford to tell anybody's

fortune and no great shakes made tl^en

as the Lord in Heving knows."

!' ' 1

XIII.
ROUGH BEGINNING OF THE HONEYMOON.

It '

15 ■!

Iv ■: ' ■

On last Friday morning an athletic
jroung farmer in the town of Waynes-
burg took a Itvir girl, "all bathed in
olushes," from her parents, and started
For the first town across the Pennsyl-
vania lino to be married, where the
ceremony could be performed without a
license. Tlie happy pair were accom-
panied by a sister of the girl — a tall,
gaunt, and sharp-featured female of
some thirty-seven summers. The pair
crossed the lino, were married, and
returned to WellsvUlo to pass the night.
People at the hotel where the wedding
party stopped observed that they con-
ducted themselves in a rather singular
manner. The husband would take his
sister-in-law, the tall female aforesaid,
into one corner of the parlor and talk
earnestly to her, gesticulating wildly the
while. Tlien the tall female would
" put her foot down" and talk to him
in an angry and excited manner. Then
the husband would take his fair young
bride into a corner, but he could no
sooner commence talking to her than
the gaunt sister would rush in between
them and angrily join in the conversa-
tion. The people at the hotel ascer-
tamed what all this meant about 9
o'clock that evening. There was an
uproar in the room which had been
assigned to the newly-married couple.
Female shrieks and masculine " swears"
startled the people at the hotel, and they
rushed to the spot. The gaunt female
was pressing and kicking against the
door of the room, and the newly-married

man, mostly undressed, was barring her
out with all his might. Occasionally
she would kick the door far enough
open to disclose the stalwart husband,
in his Gentleman Greek Slave apparel.
It appeared that the tall female insisted
upon occupying the same room with the
newly-wedded pair ; that her sister was
favorably disposed to the arrangement,
and that the husband had agreed to it
before the wedding took place, and was
now indignantly repudiating the con-
tract. " Won't you go away now,
Susan, peaceful ?" said the newly-mar-
ried man, softening his voice.

" No," said she " I won't— so there!"

" Don't you budge an inch!" cried
the married sister within the room.

" Now — now, Maria," said the young
man to his wife, in a piteous tone,
" don't go for to cuttin' up in this way ;
now don't ! "

" I'll cut up 's much I wanter ! " she
sharply replied.

" Well," roared the desperate man,
throwing the door wide open and stalk-
ing out among the crowd, " well, jest
you two wimin put on your duds and go
right straight home and bring back the
old man and woman, and your grand-
father, who is nigh on to a hundred;
bring 'em all here, and Fll marry tlie
whole d — d caboodle of ^cnif and we'll
all sleep together/ "

The difficulty was finally adjusted by
the tall female taking a room alone.
Wellsville is enjoying itself over the
" sensation."

xrv.

FROM A HOMELY MAN.

now.

Dear Plain Dealer, — I am a plain
man, and thoro is a melancholy fitness
in my unbosoming my sufferings to the
" Plain " Dealer. Plain as you may bo
in your dealings, however, I am con-
yinced you never before had to deal
with a correspondent so hopelessly
plain as I. Yet plain don' t half express
my looks. Indeed I doubt very much
whether any word in the English lan-
guage could be found to convey an
adequate idea of my absolute and utter
homeliness. The dates in the old
family Bible show that I am in the de-
cline of life, but I cannot recall a period
in my existence when I felt really
young. My very infancy, those brief
months when babes prattle joyously and
know nothing of care, was darkened by
a shadowy presentiment of what I was
to endure through life, and my youth
was rendered dismal by continued repe-
titions of a fact painfully evident " on
the face of it," that the boy was growing
homelier and homelier c very day. Mem-
ory, that with other people recalls so
much that is sweet and pleasant to think
of in connection with their youth, with
me brings up nothing but mortification,
bitter tears, I had almost said . curses,
on my solitary and homely lot. I have
wished — a thousand times wished — that
Memory had never consented to take a
seat " in this distracted globe."

You have heard of a man so homely

that ho couldn't sleep nights, his face
ached so. Mr. Editor, 1 an^ that melan-
choly individual. Wlioevcr perpetrated
the joke — for joke it was no doubt in-
tended ■'. j be — knew not how much truth
he was uttering, or how bitterly the idle
squib would rankle ui the heart of one
sv.fforing man. Many and many a
night have I in my childhood laid awake
thinking of my homeliness, and as the
moonlight has streamed in at the win-
dow and fell upon the handsome and
placid features of my little brother slum-
bering at my side, God forgive me for
the wicked thought, but I have felt an
almost unconquerable impulse to forever
disfigure and mar that sweet upturned
innocent face that smiled and Loked so
beautiful in sleep, for it was ever
reminding me of the cui-se I was doomed
to carry about me. Many and many a
night have I got up in my night-dress,
and lighting my Uttle lamp, sat for hours
gazing at my terrible ugliness of face
reflected in the mirror, drawn to it by a
cruel fascination which it was impossible
for me to resist.

I need not tell you that I am a
single man, and yet I have had what
men call affairs of the heart. I have
known what it is to worship the heart's
embodiment of female loveliness, and
purity, and truth, but it was generally
at a distance entirely safe to the object
of my adoration. Being of a suscepti-

FRO^r A HOMELY MAN.

bio nature I was continually fallin;; in
love, l)ut never, save with one single
exception, tliil I venture t(» declare my
flame. I saw my heart's palpitator
walking in a grove. Moved by my
Consuming love I rushed towards her,
and throwing myself at her feet began
to poor forth the long pent-up emotions
of my heart. She gave one look and
then

"Shrieked till all tho rocks roplicil;"

at least youM thought they replied if you

had Been me leave that grove with a
speed greatly accelerated by a shower
of rockw from tho hands of an enraged
brother, who was at hand. Tl'at pre-
|)ossessing young lady is now slowly
recovering her reason in an institution
for the insane.

Of n)y further troubles I may peihiii;8
inform you at some future time.

IloiMKLY Man.

XV.

THE ELEPHANT.

SoMP. two yoara huicc, on the strength
of what wc regarded as reliable informa-
tion, wo announced the death of the
elephant Hannibal nt Canton, and ac-
companied the announcement with a
short biographical sketch of that re-
markable animal. Wo happened to bo
familiar with several interesting incidents
iu the private life of Hannibal, and our
sketch was copied l)y almost every paper
in America and by several European
journals. A few mouths ago a " traveled"
friend showed us the sketch in a Parisian
journal, and possibly it is " going the
rounds" of the Chinese papers by this
time. A few days after wo had printed
his obituary Hannibal came to town
with Van Amburgh's Menagerie, and the
same typo which killed the monster re-
stored him to life again.

About once a year Hannibal

" Geta on a spreo,
And goes bobbin' around,"

to make a short quotation from a once
popular ballad. These sprees, in fact,
" is what's the matter with him." The
other day, in Williamsburgh, Long
Island, ho broke loose in the canvas,
emptied most of the cages, and tore
through the town like a mammoth pesti-
lence. An extensive crowd of athletic
men, by jabbing him with spears and
pitchforks, and coiling big ropes around
bis legs, succeeded in capturing him.

The animals he had set free were caught
and restored to their cages without much
difficulty. We doubt if we shall ever
forget our first view of Hannibal — which
was also our first view of any elephant —
of the elephant, in short. It was at the
close of a sultry day in tTunc, 18 — .
The sun had spent its fury and was
going to rest among the clouds of gold
and crimson. A solitary horseman
might have been seen slowly ascending
a long hill in a New England town.
That solitary hoi-scman was ««, and
we were mounted on the old white maro.
Two bags were strapped to the foaming
steed. That was before wo became
wealthy, and of course we are not
ashamed to say that we had been to
mill, and consequently them bags con-
tained flour and middlin's. Presently
a large object appeared at the top of the
hill. We had heard of the devil and had
been pretty often told that he would have*
a clear deed and title to us before long,
but had never heard him painted like
the object which met our gaze at the
top of that hill, on the close of that
sultry day in June. Concluding (for
we were a mere youth) that it was an
eccentric whale, who had come ashore
near North Yarmouth and was making
a tour through the interior on wheels,
we hastily turned our steed and made
for the mill at a rapid rate. Once we
threw over bali^rt. after the manner of

THE ELEPHANT.

balloonists, and as the object gaineJ
on us wo cried aloud for our parents.
Fortunately we reached the mill in safety
and the object passed at a furious rate,
with a portion of a woodshed on its
back. It was Hannibal, who had run
away from a neighboring town, taking
a shed with him.

Drank Standin'. — Col.

IS a

big "railroad man."

raih'oad supper

He attended a
once. Champagne

flowed freely, and the Colonel got more
than his share. Speeches were made
after the removal of the cloth. Some-
body arose and eulogised the Colonel in
the steepest possible manner — called
him great, good, patriotic, enterprising,
&c., &c. The speaker was here inter-
rupted by the illustrious Colonel him-
self, who, arising with considerable
difficulty, and beaming benevolently
around the table, gravely said : " Let's
(hie) drink that scdimunt standin' ! "
It was done.

XVI.
BUSTS.

: "Let's
andin'!"

There arc in this city several Italian
gontlcmen engaged in the bust business.
They have their peculiarities and eccen-
tricities. They are swarthy-faced, wear
slouched caps and drab pea-jackets,
and smoke bad cigars. They make
busts of Webster, Clay, Bonaparte,
Douglas, and other great men, living
and dead. • The Italian buster comes
upon you solemnly and cautiously.
" Buy Napo-leon ? " he will say, and
you may probably answer " not a buy."
" How much giv-ee ? " he asks, and
perhaps you will ask him how much he
wants. " Nine dollar," he will answer
always. Wo are sure of it. We have
observed this peculiarity in the busters
frequently. No matter how large or
small the bust may be, the fii-st price is
invariably " nine dollar." If you dc-
cUne paying this price, as you undoubt-
edly will if you are right in your head,
he again asks, " how much giv-ee ? "
By way of a joke you say " a dollar,"
when the buster retreats indignantly to

the door, saying in a low, wild voice,
" 0 dam !" With- his hand upon the
door-latch, he turns and once more asks,
" how much giv-ee ? " You repeat the
previous offer, when he mutters, " 0
ha!" then commg pleasantly towards
you, he speaks thus : "Say! how much
giv-ee ? " Again you say a dpUar, and
he cries, " take 'um — take 'um ! " —
thus faUing eight dollars on his original
price.

Very eccentric is the Italian bustor,
and sometimes he calls his busts by
wrong names. We bought Webster
(he called him Web-STAR) of him the
other day, and were astonished when
he called upon us the next day with
another bust of Webster, exactly like
the one we had purchased of him, and
asked us if we didn't want to buy
" Cole, the wife-pizener !" We endea-
vored to rebuke the depraved buster,
but our utterance was choked and we
could only gaze upon him in speech-
less astonislunent and indignation.

'nl

XVII.

A COLORFD MAN OF THE NAME OF JEFFRIES.

One beautiful day last August, Mr.
Elmer, of East Cleveland, sent his hired
colored man, of the name of Jeffries, to
town with a two-horse wagon to get
a load of lime. Mr. Elmer gave
Jeffries $5 with which to pay for
the lime. The horaes Avere excel-
lent ones, by the way, nicely matched,
ami more than conmionly fast. The
colored man of the name of Jeffries
came to town and drove to the Johnson
street Station, where he encountered a
frail young Avoman of the name of Jen-
•dns, who had just been released from
Jail, where she had been confined for
naughtycal conduct (drugging and rob-
bing a sailor.) " Will you fly with me,
adorable Jenkins?" ho unto her did
say, " or words to that effect," and unto

him in reply she did up and say : " ]My
African brother, I will. Spirit," she
continued, alluding to a stone jug under
the seat in the wagon, " I follow ! "
Then into the two-horse wagon this fair
maiden got, and knavely telling the
" perlico " to embark by the first packet
for an unromantic land, where the cli-
mate is intensely Ti;bpical, and where
even Laplanders, who like fire, giet more
of a good thing than they want— douig
and saying thus the woman of the name
of Jenkins mounted the seat with the
colored man of the name of Jeffries ,
and so these two sweet, gushing children
of Nature rode gaily away. Away
towards the setting sun. Away towards
Indiana — bright land of cheap whiskey
and com doin's !

■ ••;*

" Young woman, I'm not your Saler boy. Far iliffereut.'" — Hccimijc 2*'.

xvni.

now THE NAPOLEON OF SELLERS WAS SOLD.

We have road a gvcat many stories
of whicli Winchdl, the great Avit and
uiiniio, was the hero, showing always

cannot donbt that these stories arc all
substantially true. But there is one
instance which we will relate, or perish

how neatly and entirely he sold yonie- 'in the attempt, where the jolly Winchell
body. Any one who is familiar with , was himself sold. The other evening,
Wjnclicirs wonderful powers of mimicry I while he was conversing with several

1 ,'1

now THE NAPOLEON OP SELLERS WAS SOLD.

gentlemen at one of the hotels, a dilapi-
dated individual reeled into the room
and halted in front of the stove, where
he made Avild and unsuccessful efforts to
maintain a firm position. He evidently
had spent the evening in marching torch-
light processions of forty-rod whiskey
down his throat, and at this particular
time was decidedly and disreputably
drunk. With a sly wink to the crowd,
as much as to say, " we'll have some fun
with this individual," Winchell assumed
a solemn face, and in. a ghostly voice
said to one of the company :

" The poor fellow we were speaking of
is dead !"

" No ?" said the individual addressed.

" Yes," said Winchell ; " you know
both of his eyes were gouged out, his
nose was chawed off, and both of his
arms were torn out at the roots. Of
course he couldn't recover."

This was all said for the benefit of the
drunken man, who was standmg, or try-
ing to stand, within a few feet of Win-

chell, but he took no sort of notice of
it and was apparently ignorant of the
celebrated delineator's presence. Again
Winchell endeavored to attract his atten-
tion, but utterly failed as before. In a
few moments the drunken man staggered
out of the room.

" I can 'generally have a little fun
with a drunken man," said Winchell,
" but it is no go in this case."

" I suppose you know Avhat ails the
man who just went out ?" said the
gentlemanly host.

" I perceive he is alarmingly inebri-
ated," said Winchell ; " does anything
else ail him?"

" Yes," said the host, " he's deaf

AND DUMB !"

This was true. There was a " larf,"
and Winchell, with the remark that he
was sorry to see a disposition in that
assemblage " to deceive an orphan,"
called for a light and went gravelv to
bed.

XIX.

ON AUTUMN.

Poets are wont to apostrophize the
leafy month of June, and there is no
denying that if Spring is " some" June
is Summer. But there is a gorgeous
magnificence about the habiliments of
Nature, and a teeming fruitfulness upon
her lap during the autumnal months, and
wo must confess we have always felt
genially incUned towards this season.
It is true, when we "concentrate our field
of vision to the minute gai*niture of earth,
we no longer observe the beautiful petals,
nor inhale the fragrance of a gay parterre
of the " floral epistles" and " angel-like
collections" which Longfellow (we be-
lieve) 80 graphically describes, and
which Shortfellows so fantastically carfy
about in their button-holes ; but we have
all their tints reproduced upon a higher
and broader canvas in the kaleidoscopic
colors with which the sky and the forest
daily enchant us, and the beautiful and
luscious fmits which Autumn spreads
out before us, and

"Crowns the rich promise of the opcuiug Spring."'

In another point of view Autumn is
suggestive of pleasant reflections. The
wearying, wasting heat, of summer and
the deadly blasts Avith which her breath

has for some years been freighted, are
past, and the bracing north winds begin
to bring balm and healing on their wings.
The hurly-burly of travel, and most sorts
of i)ublicity (except newspapers), are
faat playing out, and we can once more
hope to see our friends and relations in
the happy sociality of home and fireside
enjoyments. Yielding, as we do, the
full force to which Autumn is seriously
entitled, or rather to the serious reflec-
tions and admonitions which the decay
of Nature and the dying year always
inspire, and admitting the poet's decade :

" Leaves have their time to fall,
And stars to set. — but all,
Thou hast all seasons for thine own, 0 death !"

there is a brighter Autumn beyond, and
brighter opening years to those who
choose them rather than dead leaves and
bitter fruits. Thus wc can conclude
trancpiilly with Bryant as wc began
gaily \nt\\ another, —

" So live, that when thy summons comes to join
The innumerablo caravan, which moves
To thnt mysterious realm, whore each shall tako
Ills chamber in the pilout halls of death.
Thou Ko not, lilto the quarry-slave at night.
Scourfted to his dunseon. but, sustained and soothed
By an unfaltering trust, approach thy grave
Like one who wraps the draiiery of his couch
About him, and lies down to pleasant dreams."

XX.

PAYING FOR HIS PROVENDER LY PRAYING.

We have no intention of making fun
of serious matters in telling the follow-
ing story ; we merely relate a fact.

There is a rule at Oberlin College
that no student shall board at any house
wheve prayers are not regularly made
each day. A certain man fitted up a
boarding-house and filled it with board-
ers, but forgot, until the eleventh horn*,
the prayer proviso. Not being a pray-
ing man himself, he looked around for
one who was. > At length he found one
— a meek young man from Trumbull
County — who agreed to pay for his
board in praying. For a while all
went smootldy, but the boarding-master
furnished his table so poorly that the

boarders began to grumble and to
leave, and the other morning the pray-
ing boarder actually " struck !" Some-
thing like the following dialogue occurred
at the table :

Landlord — Will you pray, Mr. Mild ?

Mild— No Sir, I will not.

Landlord— Why not, Mr. Mild ?

Mild — It don't pay, sir. I can't pray
on such victuals as these. And imless
you bind yourself in Avriting to set a
better table than you have for the last
three weeks, nary another prayer do
you yet out of me !

And that's the way the matter stood
at latest advices.

XXI.

NAMES.

Any name which is suggestive of a
joke, however poor the joke may bo, is
often a nuisance. " We were once con-
fined" in a printing-office with a man
named Snow. Everybody who came in
was bound to have a joke about Snow.
If it was Summer the mad wags would
say we ought to be cool, for we had
Snow there all the time — which was a
fact, though Ave sometimes wi?hed Snow
was whore ho would speedily melt. Not
that we didn't like Snow. Far from it.
His name was what disgusted us. It
was also once our misfortune to daily
mingle with a man named Berry. Wc
can't tell how many million times wc
heard him called Elderben-y, Raspberry,
Blueberry, Huckleberry, Gooseberry,
etc. The thing nearly made him de-
ranged. He joined the filibusters and
has made energetic efforts to get shot,
but had not succeeded at last accounts.

although wc fear he has been " slewd "
mimerously. There is a good deal in a
name, our usually correct friend W.
Shakespeare to the contrary notwith-
standing.

Our own name is unfortunately one
on which jokes, such as they are, can
1)0 made. We cannot present a tabular
statement of the times we have done
things brown (in the opinion of partial
friends), or have been asked if we were
related to the eccentric old slave and
horse " liberator" whose uecent Virginia
Reel has attracted so much of the public's
attention. Could we do so the array of
figures would be appalling. And some-
times wc think wc will accept the first
good offer of marriage that is made to
us, for the purpose of changing our
unhappy name, setting other interesting
considerations entirely aside.

XXII.

HUNTING TROUBLE.

TIuNTixa trouble is too fasliionablo in
this world. Contentment ami jollity are
not cultivated as they should be. There
are too many prematurely wrinkled, long
and melancholy faces among us. Thercf
is too mucli swearins, sweatinjr and

sweanng,

slashing, fuming, foaming and fretting
around and about us all.

*' A mad world, my masters."

People rush out doors bareheaded and
barefooted, as it were, and dash blindly
into all sorts of dark alleys in (juest of
all sorts of Trouble, when " Goodness
knows," if they will only sit calmly and
pleasantly by their firesides. Trouble Avill
finock soon enough at their doors.

Iluntmg trouble is bad business. If
we ever arc induced to dosend from our
present proud position to become a
member of the Legislature, or ever ac-
^ cumulate sufficient musde, impudence,
and taste for bad liquor to go to Con-
gress, wo shall introduce a " william"
for tlio suppression of Trouble-hunting.
We know Miss. Slinkins, who incessant-
ly frets because Miss Slurkins is better
harnessed than she is, won't like it ; and
we presume the Simpkinses, who worry
so much because the Perkinses live in a
freestone-fronted house whilst theirs is

only plain brick, won't like it also. It is
doubtful, too,' whether our long-haired
friends-, the Reformers (who think the
macliinery of the world is all out of
joint, while we think it only needs a
little greasing to run in first-rate 8t}?io),
will approve the measure. It is pro-
bable, in<lcc(l, that very many societies,
of a refonnatory (and inflammatory)
character, would frown upon the mea-
sure. But the measure would be a good
one nevertheless.

Never hunt trouble. However dead
a shot one may be, the gun he carries
on such expeditions is sure to kick or
go off half cocked. Trouble will come
soon enough, find when ho does come
receive him as pleasantly as possible.
Like the tax-collector, he is a disagree-
able chap to have in one's house, but the
more amiably you greet him the sooner
he will go away. *

A MAN in Buffalo — an entire stranger
to us — sends us a quarter-column puff
of his business, with the cool reqxxest
that we " copy as editorial, and oblige."
If he does not eventually subside into a
highway robber it won't bo for lack of
the necessary impudence.

xxni.

HE FOUND HE WOULD.

Several years ago Bill McCrackcn
lived in Peru, Indiana. [We were in
Peru several years ago, and it was a
nice place wo do7it think.] Mr.
McCrackcn was a screamer, and had
whipped JiU the recognized fighting men
on the Wabash. One day somebody
told him that. Jack Long, blacksmith at
Logansport, said ho would give Imu
(McCracken) a protracted fit of sick-
ness if ho would just come down there
and smell of his bones. The McCracken
at once laid in a stock of provisions, con-
sisting of whiskey in glass and chickc'ns
in the shell, and stai-ted for Logansport.
In a few days he was brought home in a
bungedup condition, on a cot bed. One

eye was gouged out, a portion of his
nose was chawed off, his left arm was in
a sling, his head was done up in old rag,
and he was pretty badly off himself. lie
was set down in the village bar-room, and
turning to the crowd hp, in a feeble
voice, said, hot tears bedewing his face
the while, " Boys, you know Jack tong
said if I'd come down to Loginsput he'd
whale h — 11 out of mo ; and, boys, you
know I did'nt believe it, but I've been
down thar and Ifoxind he wdultl."

IIo recovered after a lapse of years
and led a better life. As he said him-
self, he returned from Logansport a
changed man.

• I

XXIV.

DARK DOINGS.

Four promising young men of this
city attended a ball in the rural districts
not long since. At a late hour they
retiredjleaving word with the clerk of the
hotel to call them early in the morning,
as they wanted to take the first train
home. The clerk was an old friend of
the " fellers," and he thought ho would
have a slight joke at their expense. So
ho 1)urnt some cork, and, with a sponge,
blacked the faces of his city friends after
thoy had got soundly asleep. In the
morning he called them abou^ ten
minutes before the train came along.
Feller No. 1 awoke and laughed boister-
ously at the sight which met his gaze.
But he saw through it — the clerk had
played his good joke on his three com-
rades, and of course he would keep mum.
But it was a devilish good joke. Feller
No. 2 awoke, saw the three black men
in the room, compreliended the joke, and
laughed vociferously. But he would
keep mum. Fellers No. 3 and 4 awoke,

and experienced the same pleasant feel-
ing ; and there was the beautiful spec-
tacle of four nice yoiuig men laughing
heartily one at another, each one sup-
posing the " urbane clerk" had spared
iiim in his cork-daubing operations.
They had only time to dross before the
train arrived. They all got aboard, each
thinking what a glorious joke it was to
have his three companions go back to
town with black faces. The idea was so
rich that they all commenced laughing
violently as soon as they got aboard the
cars. Tho other passengers took to
laughing also, and fun raged fiist and
furious, until tho benevolent baggage-
man, seeing how matters stood, brought
a small ' pocket-glass and handed it
around to the young men. Tiiey sud-
denly stopped laughing, rushed wildly
for the baggage-car, washed their faces,
and amused r.nd instructed each other
during the remainder of the trip with
some eloquent flashes of silence.

•

•»

♦ .

7")

XXV.

•

• ■

•

A HARD CASE.

•

"We have licard of some very hard
casea since we have cnlivoiied this world
with our brilHant presence. Wo once
saw an able-bodied man chase a party
of little school children and rob tlieni of
their dinners. Tho man who stole the
copi^crs from his deceased grandmother's
eyes lived in our neighborhood, aufl we
have read about tho man who went to
church for tho sole purpose of stealing
the testaments and hymn-books. But
the hardest case we ever heard of lived
in Arkansas, lie was only fourteen
years old. One night ho deliberately
murdered his father and mother in cold
blood, widi a meat-axe. lie was tried
and found guilty. Tho judge drew on
his black cap, and in a voice choked
with emotion asked the young prisoner
if he had anything to say before the
sentence of the Court was passed on

him. 'J'he court-room was densely
crowded and there was not a dry eye
in tjio vast assembly. The youth oftlie
ja'isoncr, his beauty and innocent looks,
the mild lamblike numner in which bo
had conducted himself daring the trial
— all, all had thoroughly enlisteil the
sympatiiy of the spectators, tho ladies
in particular. And even the .lury, who
had found it to bo their stern duty to
declare him guilty of the appalling crime
— even the Jury now wept aloud at this
awful moment. " Have you anything
to say ?" repeated tho deeply moved
Judge. . " Why, no," replied the prison-
er, " I think I haven't, though I hope
yer Honor will show some consideration

FOR THE FEELINGS OF A POOR ORl'IIAN !"

The Judge sentenced the perfect young
wretch without .delay.

?•

XXVI.
REPORTERS.

The Oillowing paragraph is goiiix tin.'
rounds :

"■ I low many ft ;!;rcat man la now bask-
ing in the sunshine of fame <;cncrously
bestowed upon him Ity the prolifie genius
of some I'eporter ! II'»w many stupid
orations have been made brilliant, how
many wandering, pointless, objectless
speeches put in form and rendered at
least readable, by the luiknown re-
porter. IIow many a disheartened
8})eaker, who was conscious the night
before of a failure, before a thin, cold,
spiritless audience, awakes delighted to
learn that he has addressed ap over-
whelming assemblage of his enthusiastic,
appreciating fellow-citizens, to find his
speech sparkling with ' cheers,' ])reaking
out into ' iravncnso applause,' and con-
cluding amidst ' the wildest excite-
ment!'"

There is considerable truth in the
above, wo are sorry to state. Re-
porters arc too apt to smooth over and
give a fair face to the stupidity and
bombast of political and other public
humbugs. For this they are not only
seldom thanked but frecpicntly are
kicked. Of course this sorb of thing
is wrong. A Reporter should be inde-
pendent enough to meet the approaches
of gentlemen of the Nincompoop per-
suasion with a flat rebuff. Ho should
never gloss over a political humbug,

whether he belongs to " our side" or
not. IIo is not thanked for doing it,
and, furthermore, ho loses the respect
and confidence of his readers. There
are many amiable gentlemen ornament-
ing the various walks of life who are
luider the impression that for a dozen
bad cigars or a few drinks of worse
whiskey they can purchase the "opinion"
of almost any Rejiorter. It has been
our pleasure on several occasions to
disabuse those gentlemen <>f this im-
pression.

Should another occasion of this kind
ever offer wo feel that wo should bo
" adequate" to treat it in a similar
manner. A ' Reporter, we modestly
submit, is as good as any])ody and
ought _ to feel that ho is, everywhere
and at all times. For one, let us quietly
and without any show of vanity remark,
that wo are not only just as good as
anybody else but a great deal better
than very many we know of. We love
God and hate Indians ; pay our <lebts ;
support the Constitutioa of the United
States ; go in for Progress, Sunshine,
Calico, and other luxuries ; are perfectly
satisfied and happy, and wouldn't swop
*' sits" with the President, Louis Napo-
leon, the Emperor of China, Sultan of
Turkey, Brigham Young, or Nicholas
Longworth, Success to us !

XXVTI.

*' BURIAL IN RICHMOND AND IIESUIIIIECTION IN BOSTON."

A DRAMA with this title, wiilteu \>y a
colored citizen (iin artist l)y profession),
the djaractcra })(>in^ perfoniied l»y col-
ored citizens, was played at tho Melo
deon last evening. There were several
white persons present, though most of
tlio audience woro colored. The great
variety of colors made a gay, and iiu
deed wo may say gorgeous spectacle.

A hasty sketch of this gi-oat moral
production may not bo uninteresting.
Act Ist, scene Ist, discloses a log-
cabin, with fifteen minutes' intennis-
sion between each log. " William, a
spiritad slave," and "John, tho obedi-
ent slave," are in tho cabin. William,
tho spirited slave, says he will be free.
His blood is up. " Why," says Wil-
liam, " am I here thus ? Wiis this frame
made to bo a bondage ? Shall these
voice bo hushed ? Never, never, never !"
" Oh, don't say it thus," says John, the
obe4ient slave, " for thus it should not
be. An' I tole ye what it was, now,
jes take keer of them pistiles or they'll
work yer ruins. Mind what I say
Wilyim. As fer me I shall stay here
with my dear Julia !" (Immense ap-
plause.) " And so it has come to this,
ha ?" said William, the spirited slave,
standing himself up straight and bran-
dishing his arms in a terrific manner.
" And so it has come to this,.ha ? And
this is a free land, so it has come to
this — to this — to thi^.'* William ap-

peared to be Homewhut confused at this
point, but a wealthy newsboy in tho
audience helped him out by crying,
" or any other man." "John and William
then embraced, bittor tears moisteniiig
their manly breasts. " Farewel, Wil-
yim," said John, the obedient slave,
" and bless you, bless you, mo child."
Tho spirited slave walks off and tho
obedient slave falls into a swoon.
Tableau : The Goddess of Liberty ap-
pears in a Mackinaw blanket and pours*
incense on the ol)edient slave. A
member of the orchestra gets u[) and
softly warbles on a bass drum. Angels
arc hoarn singing in the distance.
Curtain falls, the audience being soak-
ing wet with tears.

Act 2, scene first, discloses the house
of Mr. Lyons, a slaveholder in Virginia.
Mr. Lyons, as we learn by the play,
is " a member of the Whig Congress."
He learns that William, his spirited
slave, has escaped. This makes him
very angry, and he says he will break
every bono in William's body. Ho
goes out and searches for William, but
cannot find him, and comes back. Ho
takes a heavy drink, is stricken with
remorse and declares his intention to
become a nun. John, the obedient
slave, comes in and a-sks permission to
marry Julia. Mr. Lyons says, certainly,
by all means, and preparations are made
for tho wedding.

BURIAL IN RICHMOND, ETC.

in.

The wedding takc3 place. Tuo scene
that follows is rather incomprehensible.
A young mariner has a clandestine in-
terview Avith the obedient slave and
receives $10 to make a large box. An
elderly mariner — not that mariner, but
another mariner — -rushes madly in and
fires a horse-pistol into the air. lie
wheels, and is about going oif, when a
black Octoroon rushes madly in and
fires another horse-pistol at the retreat-
ing mariner, who falls. He says he is
going to make a die of it. Says he
should have acted differently if he had
only done otherwise, which was right,
or else it Avouldn't be so. He forgets
his part, and don't say anything more,
but he wraps himself up in the American
Flag and expires like a son of a gentle-
man. "More warblings on the bass drum.
The rest of the orchestra endeavor to
accompany the drum, but arc so deeply
affected that they can't. There is a
death-like stillness in the house. All
was so still that had a cannon been fired
off it could have been distinctly seen.

The next scene discloses a large
Sfj^uare box. Several colored persons
are seen standing round the sijuaro
box. The mariner who was killed in
the last scene commences knocking off
the cover of the box. He pulls the
cover off, and up jumps the obedient
slave and his wife ! The obedienfe slave
and his dear Julia fall out of the
box. Great applause. They rush
to the foot-lights and kneel. Quick
music by the orchestra, in which the
bass drum don't warble so much as
she did. " I'm free ! J'm free ! I'm
FREE ! ! " shrieks the obedient slave,
" 0 I'm free !" The stage is suddenly
hghted up in a go. ^^ous manner. The

obedient slave and his dear Julia continue
kneeling. The dead mariner blesses
them. The Goddess of Liberty appears
again — this time in a IJcaver overcoat
— and pours some more incense on to
the obedient slave. An allegorical
picture of Virtue appears in a red vest
and military boots, on the left pros-
cenium. John Brown the Barber ap-
pears as Lady ^lacbeth, and says
there is a blue tinge into his nails,
and consequently he is an Octoroon.
Another actor wants to define his posi-
tion on the Euclid street improvement,
but is hissed domi. Curtain descends
amidst the admiriiig shouts of the audi-
ence, red fire, music, and the violent
assertion of the obedient slave that he
is free.

The play will not be repeated this
evening, as was announced. Due notice
will be given of its next performance.
It is tho greatest effort of the kind that
we ever witnessed. * n

Eatikq Match for the Champiox-
feiiip. — Wo understand that preparations
are making for a grand Eating-Match
for the Championship of America, to
take place in this city some time next
month. Two of our most voracious
eaters, whose names we are not per-
mitted to give, will meet somewhere
beyond the city limits and proceed to
devour mush and milk until one of them
bursts. The one who don't burst will
be declared the victor, and come into
possession of the Championship and the
stakes, whatever they may be. Tlic
contestants are now training for the
trial.

ilia continue
ncr blesses
rty appears
or overcoat
Jcnse on to
allegorical
a red vest
left pros-
Barber ap-
and says
i his nails,
Octoroon,
ine his posi-
iprovement,
in descends
)f the audi-
tho violent
ave that he

peatcd this

Due notice

crformance.

le kind that

ClIAMPIOX-

reparations
ting-Match
merica, to
time next
voracious
e not pcr-
mmewhere
irocecd to
le of them
burst will
come into
p and the
he. The
; for HxQ

L 's stalwart frame.-. He had heard

L spoken of as a fighting man.

He preferred not to grapple with him.
The train was a light one, and it so

happened that L was the only man

in this, the hind car. So the conductor
had the train stopped, and quietly un-
hitched this car. " Good day, Mr.
I.

XXVIII.

HE HAD THE LITTLE VOUCIIEll IN HIS POCKET.

L lived in this city several years

ago. lie dealt in horses, carriages, &.c.
Hearing of a good chance to sell buggies
up West he embarked with a lot for that
" great" country. At Toledo he took
a Michigan Southern train. Soin<;body
had, by way of a joke, Avarncd him
against the conductor of that particular
train, telling him that said conductor
had an eccentric way of taking up tickets
at the beginning of the journey, and of
denying that he had done so and de-
manding fare at the end thereof. This

the confiding L swallowed. He

deter;':li'.v;a not to be swindled in this
way, anct so when the conductor came
around and asked him for his ticket he
declined giving it up. The conductor

insisted — L still refused. " I've

got the little voucher in my pocket,"
he said, with a knowing look, slyly
slapping the pocket which ccmtained
the ticket. The conductor danced at

-," he yelled, "just keep that
little vouchor in your pocket and be

d d to you !" L jumped up

and saw the other cars moving rapidly
away. He was left solitary and alone
in a dismal piece of woods, known as
the Black Swamp. He remained there
in the car \mtil night, when the down
train came along and took him to Toledo.
He had to pay fare, his up through-
ticket not being good on that train.
His buggies had gone unattended to
Chicago. He was very angry. He
finally got tlirough, but he will never
hear the last of that " little voucher.'*

XXIX.

THE r.EXTLEMAXLY CONDUCTOR.

Fi:\v have any itlea of the trials and
tribulations of the railway eoniluct^)r —
" the i;entlcinanlv conductor," as one-
horse iiowspajiers deh'Jit in styling him.
Unless you ai-e gifted with the i)aticnce
of the lamented Job, who, tradition in-
forms us, had '* biles" all over his body
and didn't swear once, never go for a
a Conductor, nie boy !

The other evening we enlivened a
railroad car with our brilliant presence.
Starting tiuie was not (]uite up, and the
passengers were amusing themselves by
laughing, sweanng, singing, and talking,
according to their particular fancy. The
Conductor came in and the following
were a few of the (jviestions put to him:
One old fellow, who was wrapped u[) in
a horse-blanket and who apparently had
a'iout two pounds of pigtail in his mouth,
wanted to know '* What junt of compass
the keers was travelin' in V An old

lady, surrounded by bard-boxos and
enveloped in Hannels, w mted to know
what time the H o'clock train left llock
Island for " Dultu-kue V" A carroty-
hairej young man wanted to know if
" free omyibuse?'' run from the cars to
the taverns iu Toledo 'i A tall, nizor-
faced individual, e\idcntly from the
interior of Connecticut, desired to know
if •' cgnductin " paid as well eout West
as it did deoun in his country ; and a
portly, close-shaven man, with round
keen eyes, and in whose face you could
read the interest-table, asked the price
of corner lots in Omaha. These and
many other eipially absurd (piestions
the conductor answered calmly and in
a resigned maimer. And we shuddered
as we thought how he would have to
answer a similar string of (piestions in
each of the%rce cars ahead.

^r-x

Ifatural Hi-stury— SiiddcMi nml unoxpoc^tod Plajfiilness of tlia
llt'ur.— Sec paije 'M.

XXX.

A MAYORALITY ELECTION.

Messrs. Senter and Ci)ffiiii)crry, two
eBteemed citizens, an' the candidates.
Here's a faint attempt at a Hpeeinien

tickct-pcddlcrs scent him (" even as the
war-horse snufts the battle," etc.), sec
him and make a grand rush for him.

scene : An innocent German is dis- , Tliey surround liim, each shoves a buncb
covered about half a mile from the i of tickets under his nose, and all com
polls of this or that ward. A dozen mencc bellowing in his cars : Here's the

A MAYORALTY ELECTION.

ticket yer want — Coffinbcrry. Here's
Scnter — Senterbcrry and Coffinter.
What the h — 1 yer tryiu' to fool the
man for ? Don't yer spose he knowa
who he wants ter vote for, say ! 'Ere's
the ticket — Sen — Coff— don't crowd —
get off my toes, you d — d fool ! Workin'
men's ticket is the ticket you want!
To h — 1 wid yez workin' men's ticket,
'ere's the ticket yez want ! No, by
Cot, vote for Shorgc P. Senter — he
says he'll py all the peer for dems as
votes for him as much more dan dey can
trinks, by tam ! Senter be d — d ! Go
for Coffinberry ! Coffinbcrry was killed
eight times in the Mexican war, and is
in favor of justice and Pop'lar Sovrinty !
Oh gas ! Senter was at the battle of
Tippe-ca-noo, scalped twelve Injuns and
wrote a treatise on Horae-shoeing !
Don't go for Coffinberry. He's down
on all the Dutch, and swears he'll have
all their heads chopped off and run
into sausages if he's lected. Do you
know what George B. Senter says

about the Germans ? He says by

they're in the habit of stealing live
American infants and hashing 'em up

into head cheese, by ! That's a

lie I T'aint — I heard him say so with
my own mouth. Lot the man alone —
stop yer puUin — I'll bust yer car for
yer yet. My Cot, my Cot, what tam
dimes dese 'lections is. Will yez crowd
a poor -Tarman till dcnth, yer d — d
spalpanes, yez ? kjen — Coff — Senter-
bcrry and Coffinter -^Working Men's
— Repub — Dem — whoop — h — 1 — whoo-
raw — bully — y-c-o-u-c-h ! !

The strongest side got thn unfortu-
nate German's vote, and he went sore
and bleeding home, satisfied, no doubt,
that this is a great country, and that
the American Eagle will continue to be
a deeply interesting bird while his w^ igs
are in the hands of patriots like the
above. Scenes like the above (only
our description is very imperfect) were
placed over and over again, at every
ward in the city, yesterday.

Let us be thankful that the country
is safe — but Ave should like to see some
of the ward politicians gauged to-day,
for we are confident the operation would
exhibit an astonishing depth of whiskey.

Hurrah for the Bar-Stangled Spanner !

XXXI.

FISHING EXCURSION.

The Leviathan, Capt. Wm. Sholl, left
the foot of Superior Street at G o'clock
yesterday morning for a fishing excur-
sion down the lake. Tliero were about
twenty persons in the party, and we
think we never saw a more lovely lot
of men. The noble craft swept majes-
tically out of tho Cuyahoga into the
lake, and as she sped past a retired
coal-dealer's office, the Usher borrowed
our pocket-hankerchief (which in the
excess of his emotion he forgot to return
us) to wipe away four largo tears which
trickled from his light bay eyes. On
dashed the Leviathan at the rate of forty-
five knots an hour. The fishing-ground
reached, the clarion voice of Sholl was
heard to ejaculate, " Reef homo the
jib-boom, shorten the mainbraco, sphce
the Ibrecastle, and throw the hurricane-
dock overboard ! Lively, my lads !"
" Aye, aye. Sir !" said Marsh, the
chaplain of the expedition, in tones of
thunder, and the gallant party sprang
to execute the Captain's orders, the
agile form of first-officer Ililliard' being
especially conspicuous in reefing tho
jib-boom. Lines wore cast and the sport
commenced. It seemed as though all
tlic fish in the lake know of our coming,
and had collected in that particular spot
for tho express purpose of being caught !
What teeth they had — sufficiently good,
certainly, to bite a cartridge or anything
else. The Usher caught tho first fish
— a small but beautiful bass, whose
weight was about three inches and a
half. Tho Usher was elated at this

streak of luck, but his hand did not
tremble, and he continued to haul tho
fish in until at noon ho had caught
thirteen firkins full, and he annoiinced
that he should fish no more. Cruelty
was no part of his nature, and he did
not think it right to slaughter fish in
this way. Cross, Barney, and the rest,
were immensely successful, and hauled
in tremendous quantities of bass, perch,
Mackinaw trout, and Connecticut shad.
Bono didn't catch a fish, and we shall
never forget the sorrowful manner in
which the poor fellow gazed upon our
huge pile of beautifiil bass, which occu-
pied all of tho quarter-deck and a large
portion of the forecastle. Having fished
enough the party went ashore, where
they found Ab. McHrath (who was
fanning himself with a bam door), the
Grand Commandant (who in a sonorous
voice requested the parties, as they
alighted from the small boats, to " keep
their heads out of water"), the General
(who was discussing with the Doctor tho
propriety of annexing East Cleveland
to the United States,) and several dis-
tinguished gentlemen from town, who
had come down with life-preservers and
ginger-pop. After disposing of a sump-
tuous lunch the party amused and in-
structed each other by conversation, and
about 3 o'clock the shrill whistle of the
Leviathan was sounded by Mike, the
urbane and accomplished engineer, and
the party were soon homeward bound.
It was a good time.

xxxn.

RED IIAND: A TALE OF REVENGE.

Chapter I.

" Life's but a •walking shadow— a poor player."
'Shakespeare,

" Let me die to sweet music."— J. W.Shuckers.

" Go forth, Clarence Stanley ! Hence
to the bleak world, dog! You have re-
paid my generosity with the blackest
mgratitude. You have forged my Kamc
on a five thousand dollar check — have
repeatedly robbed my money-drawer —
have perpetrated a long series of high-
handed villainies, and now to-night, bo-
cause, forsooth, I'll not give you more
money to spend on your dissolute com-
panions you break a chair over my aged
head. Away ! You are a young man
of small moral principle. Don't ever
speak to me again !"

These harsh words fell from the lips
of Horace Blinker, one of the merchant
princes of New York city, lie spoke
to Clarence Stanley, his adopted son
and a beautiful youth of nineteen
summers. In vain did Clarence plead
his poverty, his tender age and inex-
perience ; in vain did he fasten thot>e
lustrous blue eyes of liis appealini;ly
and tearfully upon Mr. Blinker, and
tell him ho would make the j)oc\unary
matter all right Ik tlie fall, an<l that lie
merely shattered a chair tn'or his beau
by way of a joke. The stony-hearted
man was remorseless, and that night

Clarence Stanley became a wanderer in
the wide, wide world! As he went
forth he uttered these words : "II.
Blinker, beware ! A Red Hand is
around, my fine feller!"

Chapter II.

" a man of stranpe, wild mien — one wlio

has seen trouble." — Sir Walter Scott.

" You ask mo, dou't I wish to see the Con.
rttitution dissolved and broken up. I answer,
never, never, nevbk !"—//. JV. Faxon.

" They will join our expedition." — Anon.

" Go in on your nnisclo." — President Bu-
chanan's instructions to the Collector of Toledo.

" "Westward the hoe of Empire Stars its way."
— George X. True.

" "WTiero liberty dwells there is uiykcdcntry."
— C. R. Dennett.

Seventeen years have become in-
gulfed in the vast anu moist ocean of eter-
nity since the scene depicted in the last
chapter occurred. We are in Mexico.
Come with me to the Scarlet Banditti's
cave. It is night. A tempest i.s raging
tempestuously without, but within we
iind a scene of dazzUng magnificence.
The cave is spacious. Chandeliers of
solid ff)h\ hang up susj)e««lc(l round
the gorgeously furnished rcjom, and tho
marble floor is star-studded with flashing
diamonds. It must have cost between
two hundred dollars to fit this cave up.

RED HAND: A TALE OF REVENGE.

It embraced all of the modern improve-
ments. At the head of the cave life-
size pbotographo (by Ryder) of the
bandits, and framed in gilt, were hung
up suspended. The bandits were seated

■ aroimd a marble table, which was sculped
regardless of expense, and were drinking
gin and molasses out of golden goblets.
When they got out of gin fresh supplies
were brought in by slaves from a two-
horse wagon outside, which had been
captured that day, after a desperate and
bloody struggle, by the bandits, on the
plains of Buena Vista.

At the head of the table sat the Chief.
His features were swarthy but elegant.
He was splendidly dressed in new clothes,
and had that voluptuous, dreamy air of
grandeur about him which would at once
rivet the gaze of folks generally. In
answer to a highly enthusiastic call he
arose and delivered an able and eloquent
speech. We regret that our space does
not permit us to give this truly great
speech in full — we can merely give a
synopsis of the distinguished speaker's
remarks : " Comrades ! listen to your
chief. .You all know my position on
Lecompton. Where I stand in regard
to low tolls on the Ohio Canal is equally
clear to you, and so with the Central
American (|uostion. I believe I under-

' stand my little Biz. I decline defining
my position on the Horse Railroad until
after the Spring Election. Whichever
way I says I don't say so myself unless
I says so also. Comrades ! be virtuous
and you'll ho happy." The Chief sat
down amidst great applause, and v/as
immediately presented with an elegant
gold-headed cane by his comrades, a" a
Blight testimonial of their respect

Chapter III.

"This iH tho last of Earth."— Paj/e.

" Tho hope of America lies ia its well^con-
ducted Bchool-houses." — Bone.

" I wish it to be distinctly understood that I
want tho Union to bo Reserved."— jV. T. Nash.

''Sine qua non Ips Dixit Quid pro quo cut
bono Ad iufinitim E TJnibus plurum." — Drown.

Two hours later. Return wo again
to the Banditti's Cave. Revelry still
holds high carnival among the able and
efficient bandits. A knock is heard at
the door. From his throne at tho head
of the table the Chief cries, " Come in !"
and an old man, haggard, white hjured,
and sadly bent enters tlie cave.

"Messieurs," he tremblingly ejacu-
lates, " for seventeen years I have not
tasted of food !"

" Well," says a kind-hearted bandit,
" if that's so I expect you must be rather
faint. We'll get you up a warm meal
immediately, stranger."

" Hold !" whispered the Chief in tones
of thunder, and rushing slowly to the
spot ; " this is about played out. Behold
in me Red Hand, tho Band.t Chief,
once Clarence Stanley, whom vou cruel-
ly turned into a cold world seventeen
years ago this very niglii! Old man,
prepare to go up !" Saying which the
Chief drew a sharp carving knife and
cut off Mr. Blinker's ears. He then
scalped Mr. B., and cut all of his toe?
off. The old man struggled to extricate
himself from his unpleasant situation,
but was unsuccessful.

" My goodness," he pitoously ex-
claimed, " I must say you are pretty
rough. It seems to me ."

This is all of this intensely interesting
tale that will be published in the Plain

RED HAND: A TALE OF REVENGE.

Dealer. Tho remainder of it may bo
found in the great moral family paper,
" The Windy Flash," published in New
York, by Stunpkina. The Windy Flash
curculates 4,000,000 copies weetJy.

IT la TBI ALL-riRIDI8T PAPBR ITIR PRINTID.
IT IS TIU ALL-nRIDI8T PAPBB IVIR PRINTID.
IT IB TUB ALL-riRIDIBT PAPIR IVIR PRINTED.
IT la TBI ALIrriBIDUT PAPIB BTIB PBUITID'

it's Tin crssiDisT bcat paprr in thb world.

IT'I thb CCHSRDIHT UKHT PAPIR LV Tin WORLD.
IT'B TUU CL'SSEDIHT rest PAPKR in tub WORLD.
IX'a TBI CU88BOBST BIST PAPBR IN TUB WOIOO.

it's a moral PAPBR.
it's a moral PAPIR.
it's a moral PAPIR.
it's a moral PAPIR.

SOLD At ALL THI OORNIR GROCBRIIS.
SOLD AT ALL TBI CORNIU OROCIRIU.
SOLD AT ALL Tni CORNIB QBOCIRIIS.
SOLD AT ALL TUB OOENBB OBOOBBIBI.

'■>■'■'. "^ •

':'»• j ;>■■

>;*»

XXXIII.

THE LAST OF THE CULKINSES— A DUEL IN CLEVELAND-
DISTANCE TEN PACES— BLOODY llESULT— FLIGHT OF
. ONE OP THE PRINCIPALS— FULL I^ARTICULAIIS.

A FEW weeks sinco a youn^; Ireh-
man named (!ulkiiis wandered into
Cleveland from Now York. Ho had
boon in America only a short time.
He overflowed with hook leaniin-', hut
was mournfully i^^ioraut of American
customs, and as iiuiocent mid conlidiu'j;
withal as the Bahes i)i the Wood. He
talked much of his family, their com-
manding position in Connaught, Ireland,
their immense respectahility, their chiv-
alry, and all that sort of thin^'. He
was the only representative of that
mighty raco in this country. " I'm the
last of tho Culkinses!" ho would fre-
quently say, with a tingo of romantic
Badness, meaning, wo suppose, that ho
would bo tho last when tho elder Culkins
(in the admiretl language of tho classics)
"slipped his wind." Young Culkhis
proposed to teach Latin, Greek, Spanish,
Fardown Irish, and perhaps Choctaw,
to such youths as desired to become
thoroiigh linguists. He was not very
successful in this line, and concluded to
enter the office of a prominent law firm
on Superior Street, as a student. He
dovo among tho musty and ponderous
volumes with all the enthtisiasm of a
wild young Irishman, and commenced
cramming his head with law at a start-
ling rate. Ho lodged in the back-room
of the office, and previous to retiring,
]n> used to sing the favorite ballads of
his own Emerald Isle. The boy who was

employed in the office directly across
iho hall iised to go to tho Irishman's
door and stick his car to the kcy-holo
with a view to drinking in the gashing
melody by tlie (puirt or [)erha];»s pailful.
This vexed Mr. Culkins, and consider-
ably marred the pleasure of the thing,
as witness tho following :

" Oh c(»ino to nio when duylight nots

[What ycz doing at that door yor
d d spaljjane V]

Bwoet, then como to mo !

[I'll twist tho nose off of ycz pre-
sently, mo honey ?]

When softly kUJo our gondolctts

[Bcdad, I'll do murthcr to ycz, young
guitlcmin!]

O'er tho mooulit Hca.

Of course this couldn't continue.
This, in short, was rather more than
tho blood of tho Culkinses could stand,
so tho young man, through whose veins
such a powerful lot of that blood courses,
sprang to tho door, seized the eaves-
dropping boy, drew him within and
commenced to severely chastise him.
The boy's master, the gentleman who
occupied the office across tho hall,
here interfered, pulled Mr. Culkins
off, and thrust him gently against the
wall and slightly choked him. Mr.

THE LAST OF THE CUI KINSES.

Culklns bottled liis furiou-^ wruili for
that iii^ht, l)ut ill the morniiig lio un-
corkccl it and threatened the gentleman
(whom for convenience sake wo will call
Smith ) with all sorts of vcn/^eancc. He
obtained u, small lior8owhi|) and tore
furiously through the town, on the look-
out for iSiuith.

He sent Smith a challenge, couched
in lan;^uago so scathingly hot that it
burnt holes through the paper, and when
it reached Smith it was riddled like un
old-fashioned milk strainer. No notice
was taken of the challenge, and (^ulkins'
wrath liecamo absolutely terrific. He
wrote hand-bills which ho endeavored
to have printed, posting Smith as a
coward. He wrote a communication for
the New Herald, explaining the whole
matter. (This wasn't very rich, we
expect.) He urged us to publish his chal-
lenge to Smith. Somebody toKl him
that Smith was intending to flee the
city in fear on an afternoon train, and
Culkins proceeded to the depot, horse-
wliip in hand, to lio in wait for him.
This was Saturday last. During the
afternoon Smith concluded to accept the
challenge. Seconds and a surgeon were
selected, and we are mortified to state
that at 10 o'clock in the evening Scran-
ton's Bottom wa.s desecrated with a regu-
lar duel. The frantic glee of Culkins
when he learned his challenge had been
accepted can't bo described. Our pen
can't do it — a pig-pen couldn't. He
wrote a long letter to his uncle in New
York, and to his father in Connaught.
At about ten o'clock the party pro-
ceeded to the field. The moon was
not up, the darkness was dense, the
ground was unpleasantly moist, and the
lights of the town, which gleamed in the

distance, otdy made the scene mo: 6
desolate and 'Ireary. The ground was
pace(l off ana uio men ;irrangc<l. Whilo
this wa.s being d^nc the sun^eon, by the
light of a dark lantern, arran^ 'd his in-
struments, which consisted of 1 common
handsaw, 1 hatchet 1 butcher knife, a
large variety of smaller knives, and a
small mountain of old rag. Neither of
the principals exhibited any fear. Cul-
kins insisted that, as the challenging
party, ho had the right to the word
fire. This, after a bitter discussion, was
granted. Ho urged his seconds to place
him lacing towards the town, so that the
lights would bi' in his favor. This was
done without any trouble, the immense
benefits of that position not being dis-
covered by Smith's second.

" li' I fall," said Culkins to his second,
" see me respectably buried and forward
bill to Connaught. Believe me, it will
be cashed. The arms (horse-pistols)
were given to the men, and one of
Culkins' seconds said :

" Gentlemen, are you ready ?"

Smith — Heady.

Culkins — Ready. The blood of the
Culkinses is aroused.

Second — One, Two, Three — fire !

Culkins' pistol didn't go off. Smith
didn't fire. " That was generous in
Smith, not to fire," said a second. " It
was inDADE," said Culkins, "■ I did not
think it of the low-lived scoundrel !"

The rtOi'd was again given. Crack
went both pistols simultaneously. The
smoke slowly cleared away, and the
principals were discovered standing
stock-still. The silence and stillness
for a moment were awful. No one
moved. Soon Smith was seen to reel
and then to slowly fall. His second

THE LAST OF THE CULKINSES.

and tho surgeon rusliod to him, Culkina
made a tremendous effort to fly from
tho field but was restrained by hia
seconds. "Tho honor of tho Culkinsos,"
ho roared, •' is unturnislied — -wliy tho
dovil won't ycz let mo go'i' II — IPs
blazos, men, will yez bo after giving
mo over to tho bailiffs ? Doctlier,
Docthcr," ho shouted, " is ho mortally
wounded ?" Tlio doctor said they
could not tell — that ho was wounded in
tho shoulder — that a carriage would bo
sent for and tho wounded man taken to
his house. Hero a heart-rending groan
came from Smith, and Culkins, with a
Donnybrook shriek, burst from his
seconds, knocked over the doctor's
lantern, and fled towards tho town
liko greased lightning amidst a chorus
of excited voices.

" Hold him !"

" Stop him !'*

" Grab him by tho coat-tails !"

" Shoot him !"

"Head him off!"
And half of tho party started after him
at an express-train rate. There was
some very fine running indeed. Culkins
was brought to a sudden stop against a
tall board fence, but ho sprang back
and cleared it liko an English hunter,
and tore liko a lunatic for the city.
Half an hour later tho party might have
boon seen, if it hadn't been so pesky
dark, groping blindly around the office
in which Culkins had boon a student at
law.

" Are you hero, Culkins ?" said one.

"Before Culkins answers that," said
a smothered voice in the little room,
tell mo who yez arc."

" Friends — ^your seconds !"

" Gmtlemin, Culkins is here. The

last of tho Culkinsos is under tho
bed."

Ho was dragged out. " I hope," ho
said, " the ignoble wretch is not dead,
but I call you to witness, gintlemin, tluit
ho grossly insulted me." [Wo don't
care what folks say, but choking a niiin
is a gross insult. Eds. V. 1).] He
was persuaded to retire. There was no
danger of his being disturbed that night,
as tho watch were sleeping sweetly as
usual in tho 1 lig arnt-chairs of tho various
liotels, and ho would 1)0 able to fly tho
city in the morning. Tic had a haggard
and worn-out look yeterday morning.
Two large bailiffs, ho said, hiid sur-
rounded tho building in tho night, and
ho had not slept a wink. And to add
to his discomfiture his coat was covered
with a variegated and moist mixture,
which ho thought must bo some of tho
brains of his opponent, they having
spattered against him as ho passed the
dying man in his flight from the field.

As Smith was not dead (though the
surgeon said ho would bo confined to
his house for several weeks, and there
was some danger of mortification setting
in), Culkins wisely concluded that the
mixture might bo something else. A
liberal purse was made up for him, and
at an early hour yesterday morning tho
last of tho Culkinsos wont down St.
Clair street on a smart trot. He took
this morning's Lakeshoro express train
at some way-station, and is now on his
way to New York. Tho most astonish-
ing thing about tho whole affair is the
appearance on tho street to-day, ap-
parently well and unhurt, of the gentle-
man who was so badly " wounded in tho
shoulder." But a duel was actually

((

fit."

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Sciences
Corporalion

23 WIST MAIN STREET

WEBSTER, N.Y. USSO

(716)872-4503

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XXXIV.

B.:

HOW OLD ABE RECEIVED THE NEWS OF HIS NOMINATION.

i-i :.

There are several reports afloat as
to how " Honest Old Abe" received the
news of his nomination, none of which
are correct. We give the correct
report.

The Official Committee arrived in
Springfield at dewy eve, and went to
Honest Old Abe's House. Honest Old
Abe was not in. Mrs. Honest Old Abe
said Honest Old Abe was out in the
woods splitting rails. So the Official
Committee went out into the woods,
where sure enough they found Honest
Old Abe splitting rails with his two
boys. It was a grand, a magnificent
spectacle. There stood Honest Old Abe
in his shirt-sleeves, a pair of leather
home-made suspenders holding up a
pair of home-made pantaloons, the seat
of which was neatly patched with sub-
stantial cloth of a different color. " Mr.
Lincoln, Sir, you've been nominated,

Sir, for the highest office, Sir ."

" Oh, don't bother me," said Honest
Old Abe, " I took a stent this mornin'
to spUt three million rails afore night, and
1 don't want to be pestered with no stuff
about no Conventions till I get my stent
done. I've only got two hundred thousand

rails to split before sundown. I kin do
it if you'll let me alone." And the great
man went right on splitting rails, paying
no attention to the Committee whatever.
The Committee were lost in admiration
for a few moments, when they recovered,
and asked one of Honest Old Abe's boys
whose boy he was ? " I'm my parents'
boy," shouted the urchin, which burst
of wit so convulsed the Committee that
they came very near " ^n'in eout" com-
pletely. In a few moments Honest Old
Abe finished his task, and received the
news with perfect self-possession. He
then asked them up to the house, where
he received them cordiaUy. He said
he split three million rails every day,
although he was in very poor healtili.
Mr. Lincoln is a jovial man, and has a
keen sense of the ludicrous. During
the evening he asked Mr. Evarts, of
New York, " why Chicago was like a
hen crossing the street ?" Mr. Evarts
gave it up. "Because," said Mr.
Lincoln, " Old Grimes is dead, that
good old man !" This exceedingly
humorous thing created the most up-
roarious laughter.

XXXV.

^^ATION.

ROBERTO THE ROVER: A TALE OF SEA AND SHORE.

n. 1 kin do
Lnd the great
rails, paying
ee whatever.
n admiration
J recovered,
d Abe's boys
my parents'
which burst
nmittee that
Q eout" com-
I Honest Old
received the
ession. He
louse, where
. He said

every day,
M>r health.

and has a
is. Daring

Evarts, of

was like a
Mr. Evarts

said Mr.
dead, that
exceedingly
e most up-

Chapter I. — France.

Our story opens in the early part of
the year 17 — . France was rocking
wildly from centre to circumference.
The arch despot and unscrupulous man,
Richard the III., was trembling like an
aspen leaf upon his throne. He had
been successful, through the valuable
aid of Richelieu and Sir Wm. Donn, in
destroying the Orleans Dysentery, but
still he trembled! O'Mulligan, the
snake-eater of Ireland, and Schnapps-
goot of Holland, a retired dealer in
goi. and sardines, had united their
forces — some nineteen men and a
brace of bull pups in all — and were
overtly at work, their object bemg to
oust the tyrant. O'Mulligan was a
young man between fifty-three years
of age, and was chiefly distinguished
for being the son of his aunt on his
grandfather's side. Schnappsgoot was
a man of liberal education, having passed
three weeks at Oberlin College. He
was a man of great hardihood, also, and
would frequently read an entire column
of " railway matters" in the Cleveland
Herald without shrieking with agony.

Chapter II. — The King.

The tyrant Richard the III. (late
Mr.-Gloster) sat upon his throne in the

Palace d' St. Cloud. He was dressed in
his best clothes, and gorgeous trappings
surrounded him everywhere. Courtiers,
in glittering and golden armor, stood
ready at his beck. He sat moodily for
a while, when suddenly his sword
flashed from its silvern scabbard, and
he shouted-^

" Slaves, some wine, ho !"

The words had scarcely escaped his
Ups ere a bucket of champagne and a
hoe were placed before him.

As the king raised the bucket to his
lips, a deep voice near by, proceeding
from the mouth of the noble Count
Staghisnibs, cried — *' Drink hearty, old
feller."

" Reports, travelling on lightning-
wings, whisper of strange goings on
and cuttmgs up throughout this king-
dom. Knowest thou aught of these
things, most noble Hellitysplit ?" and
the king drew from the upper pocket
of his gold-faced vest a paper of. John
Anderson's solace and proceeded to take
a chaw.

" Treason stalks monster-Uke through-
out unhappy France, my liege!" said
the noble HeUityspUt. The ranks of
the. P. Q. R.'s are daily swelling, and
the G. R. J. A.'s are constantly on the
increase. Already the peasantry scout
at cat-fish, and demand pickled salmon
for their noonday repasts. But, my
liege," and the brave HeUityspht's eyes

my'

ROBERTO THE ROVER;

W''. ', . I

P ;

1,1

It'.

I i

flashed fire, " myself and sword are at
thy command !"

" Bully for you, Count," said the
king. " But soft : methinks report —
perchance unjustly — ^hast spoken suspici-
ously of thee, most Royal d'Sardine ?
How is this ? Is it a newspaper yam ?
What's up?"

D'Sardine meekly approached the
throne, knelt at the king's feet, and
said : " Most patient, gray, and red-
headed skinner ; my very approved
shin-plaster: that I've been asked to
drink by the P. Q. R.'s, it is most true ;
true, I have imbibed sundry mugs of
lager with them. The very head and
front of my offending hath this extent,
no more."

" Tis well !" said the King, rising and
loookmg fiercely around. " Hadst thou
proved false I would with my own good
sword have cut off yer head, and spilled
your ber-lud all over the floor ! If I
wouldn't, blow me !"

Chapter III. — The Rover.

THRiLLiNa as the scenes depicted m
the preceding chapter indubitably were,
those of this are decidedly thrillinger.
Again are we in the mighty presence of
the King, and again is he surroimded
by splendor and gorgeously-mailed
courtiers. A sea-faring man stands
before hun. It is Roberto the Rover,
disguised as a common sailor.

" So," said the King, " thou wouldst
have audience with me !"

" Aye, aye, yer 'onor," said the
sailor, "just tip us yer grapplin irons
and pipe all 'hands on deck. Reef home
yer jibpoop and splice yer main topsuls-

Man the jib-boom and let fly yer top-
gallunts. I've seen some salt water in
my days, yer landlubber, but shiver my
timbers if I hadn't rather coast among
seagulls Uian landsharks. My name is
Sweet William. You're old Dick the
Three! Ahoy! Awast! Dam my eyes!"
and Sweet William pawed the marble
floor and swung his tarpaulin after the
manner of sailors on the stage, and con-
sequently, not a bit like those on ship-
board.

" Marmer," said the King, gravely,
" thy language is exceedmg lucid, and
leads me to infer that things is workin'
bad."

" Aye, aye, my hearty !" yelled
Sweet William, in dulcet strains, re-
minding the King of the " voluptuous
smell of phasic," spoken of by the late
Mr. Byron.

" What wouldst thou, seafarmg man ?"
asked the King.

" This !" cried the Rover, suddenly
taking off liis maritime clothing and
putting on an expensive suit of silk,
bespangled with diamonds. " This ! I
am Roberto the Rover ! "

The King was thunder-struck. Cower-
ing back in his chair of state, he said in
a tone of mingled fear and amazement,
" Well, may I be gaul-damed !"

" Ber-lud! ber-lud! ber-lud !" shriek-
ed the Rover, as he drew a horse-pistol
and fired it at the King, who fell fatally
killed, his last words being, " We are

governed too much — THIS IS THE LAST

OF earth!!!" At this excitmg junc-
ture Messrs. O'MuUigan and Schnapps-
goot (who had previously entered into
a copartnership with the Rover for the
purpose of doing a general killmg busi-
ness) burst mto the room and cut off

theh(
the n(
then
heroes
Bann(

A TALE OF SEA AND SHORE.

et fly yer top-
le salt water in
, but shiver my
r coast among
My name is
old Dick the
Dam my eyes!"
ed the marble
lulin after the
stage, and con-
those on ship-
King, gravely,
ling lucid, and
igs is workin'

arty!" yelled
>t strains, re-
B " voluptuous
Df by the late

the heads and let out the inwards of all
the noblemen they encountered. They
then killed themselves and died like
heroes, wrapped up in the Star Spangled
Banner to slow music.

The Rover fled. He was captured
near Marseilles and thrust into prison,
where he lay for sixteen weary years,
all attempts to escape being futile. One

night a lucky thought struck him. He
raised the window and got out. But he
was unhappy. Remorse and dyspepsia
preyed upon his vitals. He tried
Boerhave's Holland Bitters and the
Retired Physician's Sands of Life, and
got well. He then married the lovely
Countess D'Smith, and lived to a green
old age, being the triumph of virtue and
downfall of vice.

ifaring man ?

i^er, suddenly

clothing and

suit of silk,

3. " This ! I

ruck. Cower-
ite, he said in
i amazement,
ned !"

•lud !" shriek-
a horse-pistol
ho fell fatally
g, " We are

3 IS THE LAST

xciting junc-
nd Schnapps-
entered into
lOver for the
killing busi-
and cut off

AMONG THE FENIANS.

PRELBnNARY.

There is a story of two "smart"
Yankees, one named Hosea and the
other Hezekiah, who met in an oyster
shop in Boston. Said Hosea, " As to
opening oysters, why nothing's easier
if you only know how." " And how's
hm ? " asked Hezekiah. " Scotch
snuff," replied Hosea, very gravely. —
" Scotch snuff. Bring a littlfi of it ever
so near their noses, and they'll sneeze
their lids off." "I know a man wlio
knows abetter plan," observed Hezekiah.
"He spreads the bivalves in a circle,
seats himself in the centre, reads a
chapter of Artemu» Ward to them, and
goes on until they get interested. One
by one they gape with astonishment at
A. Ward's whoppers, and as they
gape my friend whips 'em out, peppers
away, and swallows 'em."

Excellent as all that Artemus Ward
writes really is, and exuberantly over-
flowing with humour as are nearly all
his articles, it is too bad to accuse him
of telling " whoppers." On the contrary,
the old Horatian question of "Who shall
forbid me to speak truth in laughter ? "
seems ever present to his mind. His
latest production is the admirable paper
on the Fenians. Sparkling with genuine
fun and bristling with pungent satire, it
is an epitome of Artemus Ward's most
genial humour and of his keenly sar-
castic truth. The domgs of the Fenians

have hitherto been sufficiently ludicrous
to merit the ridicule which Artemus has
added to the stock they have so liberally
provided for themselves. To use the
periphrasis of Senator Sumner, they
have hitherto been "the muscipular
abortion of the parturient mountain ; "
whatever their folly may yet lead them
to effect of a more serious nature in
time to come. As a curiosity of litera-
ture, worthy of being preserved for the
amusement of posterity, a leading
article on the Fenians, extracted from
a New York paper of most extensive
circulation, is given below.* Such

* " The Fenian Troubles at an End— The
Head Centre Yictorious.

" The unmitigated blackguards and miserable
spalpeens ■who raised the standard of revolt
against the brave and gallant O'Mahony are
knockedinto the most infinitesimal smithereens,
and chawed up until there is not as much left
of them as remained after the tooth-and-noil
conflict of the Kilkenny cats. The blessed and
holy St. Patrick (may the heavens be his bed
in glory!) never more thoroughly extinguished
the toads, snakes, bedbugs, mosquitos, and
varmint in general, which he drove out of Ould
Ireland, than O'Mahony, the gallant Head
Centre, squelched, exterminated, crushed out,
and extinguished the cantankerous Senators
and rebellious disciples of the brotherhood who
thought to clutch the evergreen laurels and
verdant greenbacks with which a patriotic and
confiding people have encircled his brow and
lined his wallet. As the blessed St. Patrick
aforesaid compelled the varmints to betake
themselves to the swamps and morasses, and

oil

ft r

til

ir'

PRELIMINARY.

m-:.-

i-f<' ■'

another " leader " as the one here given
could not bo met with in the press of
any land in the world, except in that of
the United States.

If Artemus has on any occasion really
told "whoppers," it has been in his
announcements of being about to visit
England. From time to time he has
stated his intention of visiting this

' chased tho frogs iuto the bogs ; ' so the
redoubtable O'Mahony has compelled the
rebellious Fenians to hide their diminished
head? nnd letake themselves to tho recesses of
oblivion, where their contortions will be
watched by tho observer of futurity, as the
visitors of Blarney Castle are edified by the
gambols of the ' comely eels in tho verdant
mud.' The bravo O'Mahony has come forth
from the contest like gold from tho crucible, or
whisky from tho still, purified, etherealized,
and elevated, while his antagonists have shrunk
away like dross or swill, never more to mingle
with the Olympian deliberation, and Jove-like
councils of tho Mofiatt Mansion. Instead of
participating in these august deliberations, they
will go back to their shanties, and there behold
the glories they are unworthy to share. As if
the O'Mahony bludgeon had not knocked the
breath completely out of tho revolters, the
idolized Stephens, who, like the Roman Curtius
jumped into tho gulf of Irish nationality,
published a letter and a proclamation which
must satisfy the public that the recreants are
'kilt intirely,' and may as well give their
neighbours a pleasant wake and a decent buriaj
as expect to survive the period of their inevitable
dissolution. His proclamation comes down on
them like a shillaly in Donnybrook ; and if it
does not ventilate their skulls, it is because
those cranial envelopes are as impervious to
physical force as to the gentle influence of
reason or patriotism. Having demolished the
rebellious Senate and their backers, tho next
thing O'Mahony has to do is to wipe out the
bloody Saxon {ind re-establish the nationality
of the Emerald Isle as it existed in the days of
Brian Boru. As Queen Victoria is a woman,
we do not expect to see her locked up like Jeff.
Davis, but she will be allowed to emigrate to
Kew York, and open a boarding-school or a
drygoods-store, where she will remain un-
molested as long as she behaves herself."

country, and from time to time has he
disappointed his English friends.

Ho was coming to England after his
trip to California, when, laden with gold,
he-could think of no better place to spend
it in.

He was on his way to England when
he and his companion, Mr. Ilingston,
encountered the Pi-uto Indians, and
narrowly escaped scalping. . '

He was leaving for England with
" Betsy Jane" and tho " snaiks" be-
fore the American war was ended.

He had unscrewed the head of each
of his " wax-figgers," and sent each on
board in a carpet-bag, labelled, "Eor
England," just as Mr. Lincoln was
assassinated.

He was hastening to England when
thi news came a few weeks ago that he
had been blown up in an oil-well !

He has been on his way to England
in every newspaper of the American
Union for the last two years.

Here is the latest announcement : —

" Artemus Ward, in a private letter,
states that Dr. Kumming, the famous
London seer and profit, having foretold
that the end of the world will happen on
his own birthday, in January, 1867, he,
Artemus, will not visit England, until
the latter end of 1866, when the peopliJ
t)iere will be selling oflF and dollars will
be' plentiful. Mr. Ward says that he
shall leave England in the last steamer,
in time to see the American eagle spread
his wings and with the stars and stripes
in his beek and tallents sore away to his
knativ erapjvehxim"— American Paper.

But even this is likely to be a
" whopper," for a more reliable private
letter from Artemus declares his fixed
purpose to leave for England in the

PRELIMINARY.

steamship City of Boston early in June ;
and the probabilites are that ho will bo
stepping on English shores just about
the time that these pages go to press.

Lest anything should happen to him,
and England bo for ever deprived of
seeing him, tho most recent production
of his pen, together with two or three of
his best things, are here embalmed for
preservation, on the principle adopted
by the affectionate widow of the bear-
trainer of Perpignan. " I have nothing
left," said the woman. " I am abso-
lutely without a roof to shelter me and
the poor animal." " Animal ! " ex-
claimed the prefect ; " you don't mean
to say that you keep the bear that
devoured your husband ?" " Alas !"
she replied, " it is all that is left to me
of the poor dear man !"

If any other excuse be needed for thus
presenting the British public with A.
Ward's " last," in addition to the pertin-
ency of the article and its real merit,
that excuse may be found in the fact
that it is thoroughly new to readers on
this side of the Atlandc.

The general public will undoubtedly
receive ^^ Artemus Ward among the
'Fenians ^* with approving laughter.
Should it fall into the hands of a philo-
Fenian, the effect may be different. To
him it would probably have the wrong ac-
tion sf the Yankee bone-picking machine.

" I've got a new machine," said a
Yankee pedlar, " for picking bones out
of fish. Now, I tell you it's a leetle
bit the darndest thing you ever did see.
All you have to do is to set it on a table
and turn a crank, and the fish flies right
down your throat and the bones right
under the grate." Well, there was a
country greenhorn got hold of it the

other day^^nd he turned the crank the
wrong way ; and, I tell you, the way tho
bones flow down his throat was awful.
Why, it stuck that fellow so full of bones,
that he could not c;et his shirt off for a
whole week !"

In addition to the paper on the Fenians,
two other articles by Artemus Ward are
reprinted in the present volume. One
relates to the city of Washington, and
the other to the author's imaginary
town of Baldinsville. Both are highly
characteristic of the writer and of his
quaint spellings — a heterography not
more odd than that of the postmaster of
Shawnee County, Missouri, who, return-
ing his account to the General OflSce,
wrote, " I hearby sertify that the four
going A-Counte is as nere Rite as I now
how to make It, if there is any mistake
it is not Dun a purpers."

Artemus Ward has created a new
model for funny writers ; and the fact
is noticeable that, in various parts of
this country as well as in his own, ho has
numerous puny imitators, who suppose
that by simply adopting his comic spell-
ing they can write quite as well as he
can.
they .

Thomas ilood, who said that he could
write as well as Shakespere if he had
the mind to, but the trouble was — he

had not got the mind.

• * *

15«»J>t«e, 1866.

P. S.— June 16th. Artemus Ward
really arrived in London yesterday.
He has come to England at last, though,
like La Belle Hilene at the Adelphi
Theatre, he "has been some time in
preparation."

P haps it would be as well if
inhered the joke of poor

ARTEMUS WARD AMONG THE FENIANS.

:i i

To Home, April, 1866.

The Finians conveoned in our town
the other night, and took steps toord
freein Ireland. They met into the
Town Hall and by the kind invite of
my naber,Mr. Mulroony O'Shaughnessy,
whose ancestors at least must have Irish
blood in their veins, I went over.

You may not be awair, by the way,
that I've been a invalid here to home
for sev'ril weeks. And it's all owin to
my own improodens. Not feelin' like
eathig a full meal when the cars stopt
for dinner, in the South, where I lately
was, I went into a Resterater and et 20
hard biled eggs. I think they effected
my Liver.

My wife says, Po, po. She says I've
got a splendid liver* for a man of my
time of life. I've heard of men's livers
gradooally wastin' away till they hadn't
none. It's a dreadful thing when a
man's liver gives him the shake.

Two years ago comin this May, I had
a 'tack of fever-'n-ager, and by the
advice of Miss Peasley (who continues
single and is correspondinly unhappy in
the same ratio) I consulted a Spiritooul
mejum— awritin'mejum. I got a letter
fi"om a cel'brated Injin chief, who writ
me, accordin' to the mejum, that he'd
been ded two hundred and seventeen
(217) years, and liked it. He then

'' In America perhaps nine complaints out
of ten are attributed to some derangement of
the liver.— Ed.]

said, let the Pale face drink sum yarb
tea ! I drinkt it, and it really hclpt me.
I've writ to this talented savige this time
thro' the same mejum, but as yet I hain't
got any answer. Perhaps he's in a spear
where they hain't got any postage stamps.

But thanks to careful nussin', I'm
improvin' rapid.

The Town Hall waz jam-full of people,
mostly Irish citizens, and the enthusiasm
was immense. They cheer'd everybody
and everything. They cheer'd me.

" Hurroo for Ward ! Hurroo !"

They was all good nabers of mine,
and I ansered in a pleasant voice, " All
right, boys, all right. Mavoorneen, och
hone, aroon, Cooshla' macree !"

These Irish remarks bein' received
with great applaus, I added " Mushier!
Mushier!"

" Good ! good !" cried Captain Sping-
ler, who desires the Irish vote for county
clerk—" that's fus' rate."

" You see what I'm drivin' at, don't
you. Cap ?" I said

" Certainly."

" Well," I ansered, « I'm very glad
you do, becaus I don't."

This made the Finians larf, and they
said " Walk up onto the speaker's plat-
form, sir."

The speeches was red hot agin
England and hir iron heel, and it was
resolved to free Ireland at onct. But
it was much desirable before freein' her'
that a large quantity of funds should be
nused. And, like the gen'rous souls as

sum yarb
hclpt me.
Q this time
et I hain't
I in a spear
ge stamps.
8sin', I'm

of people,
nthusiasm
everybody
d me.
•00 !"
I of mine,

)ice.

All
■neon, och

received
Mushier!

lin Sping-
br county

at, don't

\rery glad

and they
er's plat-
hot agin
id it was
ict. But
•eein' her'
ihould be
s souls as

they was, funs was lib'rally contribooted.
Then arose a cxcitin' discussion as to
which head center they should send 'cm
to— O'Mahony or McRoberts. There
was grate excitement over this, but it
was finally resolved to send half to one
and half to t'other.

Then Mr. Finnigan rose and said,
" We have hero to-night sum citizens of
American birth, from whom we should
be glad to hear. It would fill our harts
with speechless joy to hear from a man
whose name towers high in the zoological
and wax-figger world — from whose pearly
lipa "

Says I, " Go slow, Finny, go slow."

" We wish to hear," continued Mr.
Finnigan, moderatin' his stile summut,
" from our townsman, Mr. Ward."

I beg'd to bo declined, but it wan't
no use. I rose amid d perfeck uproar
of applaus.

I said we had convened there in a
meetin', as I understood it, or rather in
a body as it were, in ref rence to Ireland.
If I knew my own hart, every one of us
there, both grate and small, had an
impulse flowin' in his boosum, " and
consequentially," I added, " we will
stick to it similar and in accordance
therewith, as long as a spark of man-
hood, or the peple at large. That's the
kind of man I be!"

Squire Thaxter interrupted me. The
Squire feels the wrongs of Ireland deep-
ly, on accounts of bavin' onct courted
the widder of a Irish gentleman who
had Hngered in a loathsum dunjm in
Dublin, placed there by a English tavern-
keeper, who despotically wanted him to

Peace. " Mr. Ward," ho said, "you've
bin drinkin'. You're under the iu-
floo'nco of licker, sir!"

Says I, " Squire, not a drop of good
licker has passed my lips in fifteen
years."

[Cries of " Oh, here now, that won^t
do."]

" It is troo," I said. " Not a drop
of good licker has passed ray lips in all
that time. I don't let it pass 'cm. I
reach for it while its going by !" says I.
" Squire, harness me sum more !"

" I beg pardon," said tho Squire,
" for the remark ; you are sober ; but
what on airth are you drivin' at ?"

" Yes !" I said, " that's just it. Thaf s
what I've bin axin myself durin' the
entire evenin'. What is this grate
meetin' dririn' at? What's all the
grate Finian meetins drivin' at all over
the country ?"

" My Irish frens, you know me well
enufiF to know that I did'nt come here to
disturb this meetin'. Nobody but a
loafer will disturb any kind of a meetin'.
And if you'll notiss it, them as are up
to this sort of thing, aller^ come to a bad
end. There was a young man — I will
not mention his name — who disturb'd
my show in a certain town, two years
ago, by makin' remarks disrespectful
of my animals, accompanied by a allosan
to the front part of my hed, which as
you see, it is Bald — sayin', says this
young man, ' You sandpaper it too
much, but you've got a beautiful head
of hair in the back of your neck, old
man.' This made a few ignent and low-
mindid persons larf ; but what was the

pay for a quantity of choi»fi»d*V?er jie- fjit^ of:*bBfe yojipg man ? In less than
had consoom'd. Besides; !4heV.*Sq»Ji*€i' a mcsih'Jj^Utiiii. died and left him a
wants to be re-elected Just^cej ^of tbe fwccp in Oxford* »qounty, Maine! The

100

ARTEMUS WARD AMONG THE FENUNS.

ih»-

human mind can piotur' no greater mis-
fortin than this.

" No, my Irish frens, I am hero as
your naber and fren. I know you
are honost in this Finian matter.

'' But let us look at them Head
Centers. Let us look at them rip-
roarin' orators in New York, who've
bin tearin' round for up'ards a year,
Bwearin' Ireland shall bo free.

" There's two parties — O'McMa-
honeys and McO'Roberts. One thinks
tho best way is to go over to Canady
and establish a Irish Republic thero,
kindly permittin* the Canadians to pay
tho expenses of that sweet Boon ; and
tho other wants to sail direck for Dublin
Bay, where young McRoy and his fair
young bride went down and was
drownded, accordin' to a ballad I onct
hoard. But there's one pint on which
both sides agree— that's the Funs.
They're willin', them chaps in New
York, to receive all the Funs you'll
send 'em. You send a puss to-night to
Hahoney, and another puss to Roberts.
Both win receive 'em. You bet. And
with other pusses it will be sim'lar.

" I went into Mr. Dolmonico's* eatin'
house tho other night, and I saw my
fren Mr. Terence McFadden, who is a
elekant and enterprisin' deputy Centre.
He was sittin' at a table, eatin' a
canvass-back duck. Poultry of that
kind, as you know, is rather high just
now. I think about five dollars per
Poult. And a bottle of green seal
stood before him.

"How are you,Mr.McFadden?"Isaid.

• " Oh, Mr. Ward ! I am miserable —

_ . _ t » > * • , < • » t • * • .

• The first restaTiraiit'ih'New* J^<**f '"^Mre,
the best eatertainment' for 'the' higfUe'st prices
may be obtainecl.— Eo.' :''»',■"", ; ; ', ■",

miserable ! The wrongs we Irishmen
suffer! Oh, Ireland! Will a troo
history of your sufferins ever be written ?
Must we bo forever ground under by
the iron heel of despotic Briton ? But,
Mr. Ward, won't you eat authin' ?"

" Well," I said, " if there's another
canvass-back and a spare bottle of that
green seal in tho house, I wouldn't mind
jinin' you in being ground under by
Briton's iron heel."

" Green turtle soup, first ?" he said.

" Well, yes. If I'm to share the
wrongs of Ireland* with you, I don't
care if I do hav' a bowl of soup. Put
a bean into it," I said to the waiter.
" It will remind me of my childhood
days, when wo had 'em baked in con-
junction with pork every Sunday morn-
in', and then all went up to the village
church, and had a refreshin' nap in the
fam'ly pew."

" Mr. McFadden, who was sufferiii'
so thurily for Ireland, was of the Ma-
honey wing. I've no doubt that some
ekally patriotic member of the Roberta
wing was sufferin' in tho same way over
to the Mason-Dory* eatin' house.

" They say, feller citizens, soon you
will see a Blow struck for Irish liberty !
We hain't seen nothin' but a Blow, so
far — ^it's bin all blow, and the blowers
in New York won't git out of Bellusses
as long as our Irish frens in the rooral
districks send 'em money.

" Let the Green float above the red,
if that'll make it feel any better, but
don't you be the Green. Don't never
go into anything till you know where-
abouts you're goin' to.

-r W^

.•'* A-jdflieT" restaurant — only a trifle less
famohs abd ekpensive than its more celebrated
T|val.7^ED/, ,.' •, V

ARTEMUS WARD AMONG THE FENIANS.

101

Irishmen
ill a troo
0 written?
under by
)n ? But,
iin' ?"
's another
h of that
Idn't mind
under by

' he said,
share the
, I don't
)up. Put
le waiter,
childhood
id in con-
day mom-
he village
lap in the

sufFeriri*
f the Ma-
that some
B Roberta

way over
ise.

soon you
h liberty !

Blow, so
e blowers
Bellusses
;he rooral

B the red,
etter, but
n't never
)w where-

trifle less
) celebrated

" This is a very good country hero
whore you are. You Irish hav' en-
joyed our boons, held your share in our
offices, and you certainly hav' done your
share of our votin'. Then why this
hullabaloo about freein' Ireland ? You
do your frens in Ireland a great injoory,
too ; because they b'lievo you're comin'
sure enuff, and they fly off the handle
and git into jail. My Irish frens,
ponder these things a lil;tle. 'Zamine
*em closely, and above all find out where
the pusses go to."

I sot down. There was no applaws,
but they listened to me kindly. They
know'd I was honest, however wrong I
might be ; and they know'd too, that
there was no peple on arth whose gene-
rosity and gallantry I had a higher
respect for than the Irish, excep' when
they fly off the handle. So my foUer
citizens let me toot my horn.

But Squire Thaxter put his hand
onto my bed and said, in a mournful
tone of vols, " Mr. Ward, your mind is
failin'. Your intellect totters ! You
are only about sixty years of age, yet
you wiU soon be a drivelin' dotard and
hav' no control over yourself."

" I have no control over my arms
now," I replied, drivin' my elbows sud-
denly into the Squire's stomack, which
caused that corpulent magistrate to fall
vilently off the stage into the fidlers'
box, where he stuck his vener'ble bed
into a base drum, and stated " Murder"
twice, in a very loud vois.

It was late when I got home. The
children and my wife was all abed.
But a candle — a candle made from
taller of our own raisin' — gleamed in
Betsy's room ; it gleamed for I ! All
was still. The sweet silver moon was a

shinin' bright, and the beautiful stars
was up to tlicir usual doiiid ! [ felt a
sentymontal mood so gently ore me
stcaUn', and I pawsod heforo Betsy's
winder, and sung, in a kind of op'ratic
voia, as follers, impromtoo, to wit :

"Wako, Bossy, wako,

My Bweot galoot !
Rise up, fair lady,

While I touch my luto !

The winder — I regret to say that the
winder went up with a vi'lent crash,
and a form robed in spotless white ex-
claimed, " Cum into the house, you old
fool. To-morrer you'll be goin' round
coraplainin' about your liver !"

I sot up a spell by the kitchen fire
readin' Lewis Napoleon's Life of Julius
Caesar. What a reckless old cuss he
was ! Yit Lewis picturs him in glowin'
cullers. CsBsar made it lively for the
boys in Gaul, didn't he ? He slewd
one million of citizens, male and female
— Gauls and Gaulusses — and then he
sold another million of 'em into slavery.
He continnered this cheerful stile of
thing for sum time, when one day he
was 'sassinated in Rome by sum high-
toned Roman genl'men, led on by Mr.
Brutus. When old Bruty inserted his
knife into him, C3?sar admitted that he
was gone up. His funeral was a great
success, the house bein' crowded to its
utmost capacity. Ten minutes after the
doors were opened the Ushers had to
put up cards on which was printed,
" Standm' Room Only."

I went to bed at last. " And so," I
said, " thou hast no ear for sweet
melody?"

A silvery snore was my only answer.

Bftsy slept.

Artemds Ward.

I m

r nil:

ARTEMUS WARD IN WASHINGTON.

1 1 1

■n .i

' I

81 ^

&■

[The following papor was contributed by Mr.
Browne to Vanity Fair, the New York Punch,
which terminated its career daring the late war.
Some of the allusions are, of course, to matters
long past, but the old fun and genuine humour
of the showman are as enjoyable now as when
first written.]

Washington, April 17, 1863.

My wife stood before the lookin' glass,
a fussin' up her hair.

" What you doin', Betsy ? " I in-
quired.

" Doin' up my back hair," she replied.

" Betsy," sed I, with a stern air,
" Betsy, you're too old to think about
such frivolities as back hair."

" Too old? too oldf^ she screamed,
" too old, you Bald-heded idiot ! You
ain't got hair enuff onto your hed to
make a decent wig for a single-brested
grass-hopper !"

The Rebook was severe but merited.
Hen84th I shall let my wife's ba-^k hair
alone. You heard me !

My little dawter is growin' quite
rapid, and begins to scrootinize clothin'
with young men inside of it, puthy clost.
I obsarve, too, that she twists pieces of
paper round her hair at nights, and
won't let me put my arms round her
any more for fear I'll muss her. " Your
mother wasn't 'fraid I'd muss her when
she was your age, my child," sed I one
day, with a sly twinkle into my dark bay
eye.

" No," replied my little dawter, " she
probly liked it."

You ain't goin' to fool female Young
America much. You may t^amble on
that.

But all this, which happened in Bald-
insville a week ago, haint nothin' to do
with Washington, from whither I now
write you, hopin' the items I hereby
sends will be acceptable to the Gin-
Cocktail of America — I mean the Punch
thereof. [A mild wittikism. — A.W.]

Washington, D. C.,* is the Capital of
" our once happy country" — if I may
be allowed to koin a ffase ! The D. 0.
stands for Desprit Cusses, a numerosity
which abounds here, the most of whom
persess a Romantic pashun for gratooi-
tous drinks. And in this conjunction I
will relate an incident. I notist for
several days a large Hearse standin' in
front of the principal tavern on Penn-
sylvany Avenoo. " Can you tell me,
my fair Castillian," sed I this momin',
to a young Spaniard from Tipperary,
who was blackin' boots in the wash-
room— " can you tell me what those
Hearse is kept standin' out there for ?"

" Well, you see our Bar bisness is
great. You've no idea of the number
of people who drink at our Bar durin' a
day. You see those Hearse is neces
sary."

Isaw.

Standin' in front of the tarvuns ' on
Pennsylvany Avenoo is a lot of miserbul
wretches — ^black, white and ring strickid,

* District of Columbia.— Ed.

.UlTEMUS WARD IN WASHINGTON.

103

Q Young
mble on

in Bald-
in' to do
r I now
[ hereby
the Gin-
le Punch
■A.W.]
!!!apital of
if I may
he D. C.
imerosity
of •whom
: gratooi-
unction I
lotist for
;andin' in
on Penn-
tell me,
momin',
ipperary,
le wash-
,at those
(re for ?"
(isness is
number
durm' a
is neces

rvunson
miserbul
strickid,

and freckled — ^with long whips in their
hands, who frowns upon you like the
wulture upon the turkle-dove the minit
you dismerge from hotel. They own
yonder four-wheeled startlin' curiosity's,
which were used years and years ago by
the fust settlers of Virginny to carry
live hogs to market in. The best car-
rige I saw in the entire collection was
used by Pockyhontas, sum two hundred
years ago as a goat-pen. Becumin' so
used up that it couldn't hold goats, that
fair and gentle savage put it up at.
auction. Subsekently it was used as a
hospital for sick calved, then as a hen-
coop, and finally it was put on wheels
and is now doin' duty as a hack.

I called on Secretary Welles, of the
Navy. You know he is quite a mariner
himself, havin' once owned a Raft of
logs on the Connethycut river. So I
put on saler stile and hollered : " Ahoy,
shipmet ! Tip us yer grapplin irons !"

" Yes — ^yes ! " he sed, nervously,
" but mercy on us, don't be so noisy."

" Ay, ay, my hearty ! But let me
sing about how Jack Stokes lost his
gal:

" The reason why he couldn't gain hor
Was becoz he's drunken saler J"

" That's very good, indeed," said the
Secky, " but this is hardly the place to
sing songs in, my frend."

" Let me write the songs of a nashun,"
sed I, " and I don't care a cuss who
goes to the legislator ! But I ax your
pardon — Show's things ?"

" Comfortable, I thank you. I have
here," he added, " a copy of the Middle-
town Weekli/ Clarion of February the
15, containin' a report that there isn't
much Union sentiment in South Caro-
liny, but I hardly credit it."

" Air you well, Mr. Secky," sed I.
" Is your liver all right ? How's your
koff?"

" God bless me !" sed the Secky,
risin' hastily and glarin' wildly at me,
" what do you mean ?"

" 0 nothin' partickler. Only it is
one of the beauties of a Republican
form of gov'ment that a Cabnit offisser
can pack up his trunk and go home
whenever he's sick. Sure nothin' don't
ail your liver ?" sed I, pokin' him putty
vilent in the stummick.

I called on Abe. He received me
kindly. I handed him my umbreller,
ard told him I'd have a check for it if
he pleased. "That," sed he, "puts
me in mind of a little story. There was
a man out in our parts who was so mean
that he took his wife's cofiSn out of the
back winder for fear he would rub the
pamt off the doorway.

" Wall, about this time there was a
man in a adjacent town who had a green
cotton umbreller."

" Did it fit hun well ? Was it custom
made ? Was he measured for it ?"

" Measured for what ?" said Abe.

" The umbreller ?"

" Wall, as I was sayin'," continnerd
the President, treatin' the interruption
with apparent contempt, " this man sed
he'd Imown that there umbreUer ever
since it was a parasol. Ha, ha, ha !"

" Yes," sed I, larfin in a respectful
manner, but what has this man with the
umbreller to do with the man who took
his wife's coflSn out of the back winder ?"

" To be sure," said Abe — " what was
it ? I must have got two stories mixed
together, which puts me in mind of an-
other lit "

"Never nund, Your Excellency, I

Wf'>r'^

104

ARTEMUS WARD IN WASHINGTON.

»';0

called to congratulate you on your
career, which has been a honest and a
good one — unscared and unmoved by
Secesh in front of you and Abbolish at
the back of you — each one of which is
a little wuss than the other if possible !

" Tell E. Stanton that his boldness
honesty ^nd vigger merits all prase, but
to keep his under-garmints on. E.
Stanton has appeerently only one weak-
ness, which it is, he can't alius keep his
under-garmints from flyin' up over his
hed. I mean that he occasionally dances
in a peck-measure, and he don't look
graceful at it."

I took my departer. " Good bye,
old sweetness," sed Abe, shakin' me
cordguUy by the hand.

" Adoo, my Prahayrie flower," I
replied, and made my exit. " Twenty-
five thousand dollars a year and found,"
I soliloquised, as I walked down the
street, " is putty good wages for a man
with a modist appytite, but I reckon
that it is wuth it to run the White
House."

" What you bowt, sah ? What the
debble you doin' sah?"

It was the voice of an Afrikin
Brother which thus spoke to me. There
was a cullud procession before me,
which was escortin' a elderly bald-
hedded Afrikin to his home in Bates
Alley. This distmguished Afrikin
Brother had just returned from Lybery,
and in turning a comer putty suddent I
hed stumbled and placed my hed agm
his stummick in a rather strengthy
manner.

" Do you wish to impede the progress
of this procession, Sah ?"

" Certainly not, by all means !
Procesh !"

And they went on.

I'm reconstructin' my shpw. I've
bo't a collection of life-size wax figgers
of our prominent Revolutionary fore-
fathers. I bo't 'em at auction and got
'em cheap. They stand me about two
doUars and fifty cents ($2.50) per
Revolutionary father.

Ever as-always yours,

A. Wabd.

Afrikm
There
fore me,
•ly bald-
in Bates

Afrikin
I Lybery,
luddent I
bed a^
jtrengthy

progress

means!

)w. I've
Eix figgers
ary fore-
n and got
ibout two
1.50) per

rs.

Wabd.

THE DRAFT IN BALDINSVILLE.

If I'm drafted I shall resign.

Deeply grateful for the onexpected
honor thus confered upon me; I shall
feel compelled to resign the position in
favor of sum more worthy person.
Modesty is what ails me. That's what's
kept me under.

I meanter-say, I shall have to resign
if I'm drafted ; everywheres I've bm
inrold. «I must now, furrinstuns, be
inrold in upards of 200 different towns.
If I'd kept on travelin' I should hav
eventooally becum a Brigade, in which
case I could have held a meetin' and
elected myself a Brigadeer-ginral quite
onanimiss. I hadn't no idee there was
so many of me before. But, serisly, I
concluded to stop exhibitin' and make
tracks for Baldinsville. My only
daughter threw herself onto my boosum,
and said, " It is me, fayther ! I thank
the gods !" She reads the New York
Ledger.

"Tip us yer bunch of fives, old
faker!" said Artemus Jr. He reads
the New York Clipper.

My wife was to the sowin' circle. I
knew she and the wimin folks was
havin' a pleasant time slanderin' the
females of the other sowin' circle (which
likewise met that arternoon, and was
doubtless enjoying theirselves ekally
well in slanderin' the fust-named circle),
an' I didn't send for her. I alius like
to see. people injoy theirselves.

My son Orgustus was playin' onto a
floot.

Orgustus is a ethereal cuss. The
twins was buildin' cob-houses in a comer
of the kitchin.

It'll cost some postage-stamps to raise
this family, ^nd yet it 'ud go hard with
the old man to lose any lamb of the
flock.'

An old bachelor is a poor critter. He
may have beam the skylark or (what's
nearly the same thing) Miss Kellogg
and Carlotty Patti sing ; he may have
beam Olo Bull fiddle, and all the Dod-
worths toot, an' yet he don't know
nothin' about music — the real, genuine
thing — the music of the laughter of
happy, well-fed children 1 And you
may ax the father of sich children home
to dinner, feeling worry sure there'll be
no spoons missm' when he goes away.
Sich fathers never drop tin five-cent
pieces into the contribution box, nor
palm shoe-pegs off onto blind bosses for
oats, nor skedaddle to British sile when
their country's in danger — nor do any-
thing which is really mean. I don't
mean to intimate that the old batchelor
is up to little games of this sort — not at
all — ^but I repeat, he's a poor critter.
He don't live here ; he only stays. He
ought to 'pologize, on behalf of his
parients, for bein' here at all. The
happy marrid man dies in good stile at
home, surrounded by his weeping wif&

|i' i'-'-'

' i '(-<

106

THE DRAFT IN BALDINSVILLE.

and children. The old batchelor don't
die at all — ho sort of rots away, like a
pollywog's tail.

My townsmen was sort o' demoralized.
There was a evident desine to ewade the
Draft, as I obsarved with sorrer, and
patritism was below Par — and Mar too.
f A jew desprit.] I hadn't no sooner
sot down on the piazzy of the tavoun
than I saw sixteen solitary hossmen,
ridm' four abreast, wendin' their way
up the street.

" What's them ? Is it cavalry ?"

« That," said the landlord, " is the
stage. Sixteen able-bodied citizens has
lately bo't the stage line between here
and Scootsburg. That's them. They're
stage-drivers. Stage-drivers is ex-
empt!"

I saw that each stage-driver carried
a letter in his left hand.

" The mail is hevy to-day," said the
landlord. "Gin'raUy they don't have
more'n half-a-dozen letters 'tween 'em.
To-day they've got one apiece ! Bile
my lights and liver !'*

" And the passengers ?"

" There ain't any, skacely, now-days,"
said the landlord, " and what few there
is, very much prefier to walk, the roads
is so rough."

" And how ist with you ?" I inquired
of the editor of the Bugle Horn of
lAherty, who sot near me.

"I can't go," he sed, shakm' his
head in a wise way. " Ordinarily I
should delight to wade in gore, but my
bleedin' country bids me stay at home.
It is imperatively necessary that I
remain here for the purpose of an-
nouncin' from week to week, that
our Qov'mmt is about to take vigor-

ous measures to put down the rebel-
lion!''

I strolled into the village oyster saloon,
where I found Dr. Schwazey, a leadui'
citizen, in a state of mind which showed
that he'd bid histin' in more'n his share
of pizen.

" Hello, old Beeswax," he bellered ;
" how's your grandjnams ? When you
goin' to feed your stuflfed animils ?"

" What's the matter with the eminent
physician ?" I pleasantly inquired.

" This," he said ; "this is what's the
matter. I'm a habitooal drunkard. I'm
exempt!"

" Jes' so."

" Do you see them beans, old»man ?"
and he pinted to a plate before him.
" Do you see 'em ?"

" I do. They are a cheerful fruit
when used tempritly."

« Well," said he, " I hain't eat any-
thing smce last week. I eat beans now
because I eat beans then. I never mix
my vittles 1"

" It's quite proper you should eat a
little suthin once in a while," I said.
" It's a good idee to occasionally instruct
the stummick that it mustn't depend
excloosively on licker for its sustain-
ence."

" A blessm," he cried — ^" a blessin
onto the hed of the man what invented
beans ! A blessin onto his hed 1"

" Which his name is Gilson ! He's a^
first family of Bostin," said I.

This is a speciment of how thmgs was
goin' in my place of residence.

A few was true blue. The school-
master was among 'em. He greeted
me warmly. Ho said I was welkim ta

i
</

THE DRAFT IN BALDINSVILLE.

107

the rehelr

ber saloon,
a leadin'

3h shoyred
his share

bellered ;
^en you
nils ?"
le eminent
lired.

what's the
kard. I'm

)ld,man?"
ifore him.

erful fruit

eat any-
beans now
never mix

ould eat a

' I said.

r iitotruct

t depend

;s sustain-

a blessin
t invented.
5d!"

! He'sfr

things was

he school-

e greeted

welkim to

those shores. He said I had a massiv
mind. It was gratifyin', ho said, to see
that great intelleck stalkin' in their
midst onct more. I have before had
occasion to notice this schoolmaster.
He is evidently a young man of far
more than ord'nary talents.

The schoolmaster proposed we should
git up a mass meetin'.

The meetin' was largely attended.
We held it in the open air, round a
roarin' bonfire.

The schoolmaster was the first orator.
He's pretty good on the speak. He
also writes well, his composition bein'
seldom marred by ingrammaticisms.
He said this inactivity surprised him.
" What do you expect will come of this
kind of dob's? Nihil fit "

" Hooray for Nihil !" I interrupted.
" Fellow-citizens, let's ^ve three cheers
for Nihil, the man who fit !"

The schoolmaster turned a little red,
but repeated — '■^Nihil fit."

« Exactly," I said. " Nihil /f. He
wasn't a strategy feller."

" Our venerable friend," said the
schoolmaster, smilin' pleasantly, " isn't
posted in Virgil."

" No, I don't know him. But if he's
a able-bodied man he must stand his
little draft."

The schoolmaster wound up in elo-
quent style, and' the subscriber took the
stand.

I said the crisis had not only come
itself, but it had brought all its relations.
It has cum, I said, with a evident
intention of makin' us a good long visit.
It's gom' to take off its things and stop
with us. My wife says so too.

war as they like. I'll bet ye. My wife
says so too. If the Federal army
succeeds in takin' Washington, and they
seem to be advancin' that way pretty
often, I shall say it is strategy, and
Washington will "be safe. And that
noble banner, as it were — that banner,
as it were, will be a emblem, or rather,
I should say, that noble banner — as it
were. My wife says so too. [I got a
little mixed up here, but they didn't
notice it. Keep mum.] *

Feller-citizens, it will be a proud day
for this Republic when Washington is
safe . Gloucester, Massachuse tts, is safe .
Gpn. Fremont is there. No danger of
Gloucester, Massachusetts, as long as
Gen. Fremont's here. And may the
day be not far distant when I can say
the same of Washington. But if it is
saved, it will be strategy. Vermont
will soon be safe. Gen. Phelps is
comin' home. Let us all rejoice that
Vermont is about to be safe. My wife
says so too.

The editor of the JBugle Horn 0/
Liberty here arose and said : " I do not
wish to interrupt the gentleman, but an
important dispatch has just been received
at the telegraph office here. I will read
it. It is as follows : ' Q-ov'ment is about
to take vigorous measures to put down
the rebellion !'* [Loud applause.]

That, said I, is cheering. That's
soothing. And Washington will be
safe. [Sensation.] Philadelphia is
safe. Gen. Patterson is in Philadelphia.
But my heart bleeds partic'ly for Wash-
ington. My wife says so too.

There's money enough. No trouble
about money. They've got a lot of

;,.•«• 'k.'iik. «••••••

Uke this war, it's jusi:'6jut;n'pi:kiia.(7f :a] ingtoni^^hldhoplace, I regret to say, is

• •

• • • • • •

• •• • •

• •••«» • •

\ • • • • • •

• • • * •

mr'/fprnw'-"^ ■'^■"'

I.'t-'i ' ■■ . «

108

THE DRAFT IN BALDINSVILLE.

by no means safe) who turn out two or
three cords of money a-day — good
money, too. Goes well. These bank-
note engravers make good wages. I
expect they lay up property. They are
full, of Union sentiment. There is
considerable Union sentiment in Vir-
ginny,more especially among the honest
farmers of the Shenandoah valley. My
wife says so too.

Then it isn't money we want. But
we do want men, and we must have
them. We must carry a whirlwind of
fire among the foe. We must crush the
ungrateful rebels who are poundln' the
Goddess of Liberty over the head with
slung-shots, and stabbing her with stolen
knives ! We must lick 'em quick. We
must introduce a large number of first-
class funerals among the people of the
South. Betsy says so too.

This war hain't been too well man-
aged. We all know that. What then ?

We are all in the same boat — if the
boat goes down, we go down with her.
Hence we must all fight. It ain't no
use to talk now about who caused the
war. That's played out. The war is
upon us — upon us all — and we must all
fight. We can't " reason" the matter
with the foe— only with steel and led.
When, in the broad glare of the noonday
sun, a speckled jackass boldly and
maliciously kicks over a peanut-stand,
do we "reason" with him? I guess
not. And why "reason" 'with those
other Southern people who are tryin' to
kick over the Republic ? Betsy, my
wife, says so, too.

The meetin' broke up with enthusiasm.
We shan't draft in Baldinsville, — not if
we can help it.

Yours considerably,

A. Ward.

-^^1^*1^

If*'

The End.

■yV?:^..'

,t-if the
with her.
; ain't no
luaed the
le war is
i must all
le matter

and led.
3 noonday
)ldly and
nut-stand,

I guess
ith those
> tryin' to
letsy, my

ithusiasm.
B, — not if

Ward.

^•W*:?

I i

> ti''

•i,

< ,♦»!

gs^

WOAKS 0rii7£ii»S WAM;

liiii. II )» I I "III It III

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Artemtus Ward in London ------- 50o

Do do. ' BiM Travels among the

Mormons p 60c

do. His Book - - 26o

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